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Author Topic: Into The Four.
Zcythe
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Member # 9490

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This book/story is mostly just fiction with some fantasy and science fiction. Its hard for me to classify it, but anyway here are the first thirteen lines, i only have about 5000 words so far, so if you want to read the whole thing I would be honored.
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The man wasn't expecting anything exciting today, just as previous days had led to nothing on his search. He had looked for some years now and had no luck on finding anyone to help with his job. There were only a select few that could help with his job, so out of six billion people on earth, he was used to the boring, solitude of his office and desk. That's why Thomas Howard was shocked to have actually some excitement in finding someone, and according to his acquaintance, this person, this kid, was the answer to one of their biggest problems. Howard was a middle aged man, he was in his late forties and was six feet tall exactly, he wore a suit and tie and looked like every other bureaucrat in the nation, but he had a far more important job...

[This message has been edited by Zcythe (edited April 24, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Zcythe (edited April 24, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 25, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Zcythe (edited April 28, 2011).]


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MYMoore
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Hi,

I'm confused with your use of "the man" with the plural possessive "their" in the first sentence.

"The man wasn't expecting anything today, just as previous days had led to nothing on their search."

It seems like it should say "his search." The second sentence does the same thing, beginning with "they" as though referring to a group of people, then going to Howard.

The "solitude of the norm" was a hiccup for me, others may feel differently but I had to read it again to get a clear understanding of what you meant.

In the following:

"Howard was a middle aged man, he was in his late forties and was six feet tall exactly, had hair that was starting to show some gray under his brown, combed over hair."

You tell us that he's middle-aged and then say that he's in his late forties which seems a bit repetitive. Also, this sentence sounds (to borrow a word from someone who recently used it to critique my work) infodumpy. It's like you want to give us an exact description of him so instead of revealing it in the story you tell us all at once. Another section:

"Calling him by his name was considered rude where he was from, but he did not mind if Thomas did . . . "

This made me stumble a bit, too because I thought you were referring to Howard. Perhaps you could clarify who you are talking about earlier in the sentence, maybe you could say, "Calling the 'helper' by his name was rude, but . . . " That sentence also seems like it's several sentences lumped together by the word, "so." It might read more smoothly if you broke it up into two or three.

I am curious to know what the has to do with any of this and what they're looking for. I do hope that this helps you a little bit.

~MyM


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Zcythe
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Ok I have edited it, I hope that reads better.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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