Looking for feedback on my opening. Been writing this for a while and was sidetracked by having a baby. Am getting back on it and want to know what you think of the first 13.
Clutching Jacob’s arm for support, Faye still stumbled as she climbed out of the manhole. At seventy years old, it was difficult to keep her balance. She cringed, shrinking away from the bright light of the high afternoon sun. When her eyes adjusted, her surroundings gradually came into focus-Devastation. Burned buildings and mangled corpses littered the streets. Shadows passed overhead; crows and vultures circling above, their aerial dance beautiful and sickening. On the ground they fought, jockeying for position and the choicest parts of the feast. “Where is everyone?” a voice asked, echoed by mumbles of “What happened,” “Oh my God,” and “Holy Crap” from others in the group. Thirty-two of them fled into the sewers three months ago, only twenty-three were climbed out.
quote: “Where is everyone?” a voice asked, echoed by mumbles of “What happened,” “Oh my God,” and “Holy Crap” from others in the group. Thirty-two of them fled into the sewers three months ago, only twenty-three were climbed out.
I think that's your starting line, or something like. The rest felt a little confused to me, tho the people are pretty direct, which is good. Try just swapping it around and see how it reads.
posted
I too found it a little difficult to work through the first paragraph. The reason, I think, is that it was trying to focus on too much. The first half focused on Faye, and the second half focused on the devastation. I was still trying to assess the information about the devastation through its impact on Faye, which probably detracted from the impact of the situation.
Reziac suggested putting the second paragraph first. I can understand why he would say that - the situation is inherently more interesting than the character so far. However, what should go first depends entirely on the rest of the story, and what you are looking to do. If it is an idea or milieu story, then his suggestion makes good sense - it emphasises the strangeness of the situation first up. If it is a character story, about how this changes Faye, then you need to start with Faye, and especially her interactions. However, if that is the case, it may be better to start earlier, inside the sewers, to establish her relationship with the rest of the group, and have the reveal of the situation at the end of the first scene. (Problem, even starting inside the sewers is possibly too strong a strangeness to form a strong "character promise", drawing the attention to the situation over the characters - it depends on the interactions.)
A couple of nits.
quote: At seventy years old, it was difficult to keep her balance. Perhaps a better verb than that, currently it reads too infodumpy.
Thirty-two of them fled into the sewers three months ago, only twenty-three were climbed out. Another infodumpy line, especially as you seem to have established the POV as closish to Faye, but here you go more distant,
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited April 24, 2011).]
posted
Thank you for your feedback, Brendan. It is definitely about characters and I clearly have to find a way to fix this. I tried a beginning in the sewers but I didn't like the result.
Based on the feedback from you and Reziac, I may try a broader focus on what has happened to the world, and then bring it in closer to Faye and see what happens.
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