posted
All right, this is the reason I'm here--- to get meaty feedback! Be brutal, I have thick skin.
At the Edge of Space SF/Horror About 5,000 Words
The recon ship Warrior dropped out of hyperspace.
Blue and green swaths of light angled off in all dimensions. They bent and stretched toward infinite horizons, thrumming with color, a glorious shower of spectra that danced in a million points of harmony.
The fragments, the color, the spectra collapsed from many into one. It formed a single object. An object made of wires, screws, and metal. An object with an inside, an outside, a top and a bottom.
A screen. It was blinking.
JUMP COMPLETED.
Captain William Malone stared at the screen, the blinking words. He tried to piece it together, the words meant [italics]something[italics], he just didn’t know [italics]what[italics].
[This message has been edited by MattJ (edited April 13, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by MattJ (edited April 13, 2011).]
posted
The first sentence was good grounding - Ok, ship has jumped out of hyperspace, its a recon ship, therefore there is information that it is looking for.
But after that, until (and including) "JUMP COMPLETE", it is showing a ship jumping out of hyperspace - again! It is fine writing, and would do well at another part of the story, but it is not bringing across what the reader needs to know at the beginning of the story. Tell or show - don't do both. In this case, tell worked better, partly because it actually told us more than the rest, and partly because it allows you to pack some more info into the first 13 that can hook the reader. You can jump from the first sentence to "Captain..." without losing anything with the story.
The final paragraph is good because it shows a consequence of jumping - disorientation. Not quite there yet for a good hook, but opening up the possibilities for one. It all depends on what comes up. (For a mundane equivalent, so far it's like
quote: William Malone came to the front door. Not seeing the street number on the door, he wondered if he had come to the right place.
Not a real hook yet, but heading towards something that might be.
One thing I do want to know in the first 13 is a hint for what he was looking for. Not necessarily everything about it, but enough to know why he would go there.
Nitpicks - add an "at" to make it "at the blinking words". And cut the "he just didn't know what" - that is implied already by the description earlier in the sentence, and creates a more distant POV than was developed earlier.
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited April 13, 2011).]
posted
I may repeat some of what Brendan said, but I reviewed your piece before I read his remarks.
The first line is a good establishing line of what, but the next lines are a waste. When I read it I felt like it was just show off. You already told us the ship jumped out of hyperspace and then proceed to "show off" with description of the same thing.
Don't get me wrong it is great description, but a double statement. Pick one or the other. Show me or tell me.
I think it is best for you to stick with the first line. While the description is good, I think it slows down too much to help in creating a good hook.
The last line is good for showing the cost of traveling at faster then light in your world. But it is not a good last line for the hook.
I like the writing style, so you likely have a good piece here. But the opening needs work to hook us readers.
P.S. use brackets [] and i at the start of the italicized word and brackets /i at the end. More on UBB code here.
quote: The recon ship Warrior dropped out of hyperspace.
Blue and green swaths of light angled off in all dimensions. They bent and stretched toward infinite horizons, thrumming with color, a glorious shower of spectra that danced in a million points of harmony.
The fragments, the color, the spectra collapsed from many into one. It formed a single object. An object made of wires, screws, and metal. An object with an inside, an outside, a top and a bottom.
A screen. It was blinking.
JUMP COMPLETED.
Captain William Malone stared at the screen, the blinking words. He tried to piece it together, the words meant [italics]something[italics], he just didn’t know [italics]what[italics].
Not too bad, I think I agree with the other two about choosing one or the other in telling what happened. I was a bit confused for a line or two. I thought the second line described some type of space phenomenon seen after they arrived, not what the Captain was seeing on the ship.
It seems to be a good idea to have some type of hint of the problem in the first 13 lines. We have a good idea of what the story is about now but something more might be good.
But even though the First sentence is a good, solid intro it is also very-what I call-cliche-ish or used a lot.
Over all it's not bad and it is a good basic idea but it needs a little tweaking.
I like the first line. If such have been used a lot, it’s because it works. I like knowing immediately that I’m in a SF story, in space, and that the spaceship is a military one. This is presented and reinforced by the name of the ship and the use of the (primarily) military slang “recon” for reconnaissance. It also tells us that they are looking for something, because that’s what recon does. So our MC is either searching, or trying to report back. But we are grounded in the story right away, that’s a really, really good thing. Very good use of your prime real estate.
Then you proceed to show us what you’ve just told us. It’s a beautiful description of a ship exiting hyperspace; perhaps you can find an excuse to use it later in the story. Here it just ends up as redundant, and as such is a poor use of the very limited space available for your hook.
Showing us your MC as disorientated from the jump is great. Give us a reason why he needs to re-orient quickly; it will add to the immediacy, and up the stakes just a little.
quote:An object with an inside, an outside, a top and a bottom.
Don’t most objects have these things? Also, since you are in space, isn’t the orientation largely irrelevant (top/bottom) or at least subjective? “The enemy’s gate is down.” I’m just not sure what you are trying to say with this line, or why it matters. I only bring it up because that’s so at odds with the rest of what you have written.
Hope it helps, good luck with the rewrite. By the way, when you revise, just edit the original post. Don’t change the original 13, but add the revised version below it. That way we can track the changes and be more helpful.
If you're meaning to get us into the MC's head to know that this jump out of hyperspace is meaningful (or not meaningful, or confusing, or odd, or...) -- you need to situate us in his head sooner, I think. As it is, we see that these things mean *something* to him, but he's not sure *what* at the very end of the fragment, by then we've begun constructing ideas about the space, how the world/space works, etc.
So, I suggest keeping your beautiful writing style, but perhaps finding a slightly different place to start the story? Because I have the sense that the main character is going to have something interesting to say next. And I agree with the premise presented in previous comments - we see the ship has jumped out of hyperspace, then we're told it in detail. Reminds me a bit of another famous book (bible...) If there's a reason for this, great, if not, consider other options.
Good luck. I mean it on the writing stuff. Keep up with the tone, word choices, etc. As a sci-fi reader, I would read more (but as an over-committed person in general, I'm afraid I can't offer to do more at the moment.)
Good luck! As with all feedback, take what works, leave the rest.
posted
I agree with the others, but what about moving the first line to the third line, then you have the effect first and the result next. Just a suggestion because it seems like you step back a little with the effect happening after the ship comes in.
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