Short story to novelette in length. I would consider it science fiction/fantasy. The proper title eludes me - so 2011A to distinguish from other works I may put up later. Work is currently incomplete with some middle sections in outline or scene/dialog format.

Would you read it passed the 12th line?
Do you get a general feel of direction?
Any other first impressions or expectations?
This is my first posting of fragments so I am treading lightly.

(V2)

[This message has been edited by telflonmail (edited May 10, 2011).]

The second sentence seemed to have breathing issues for me, which usually means adding commas, splitting the sentence etc. It also presented the same information twice ("she felt", and "in her eyes"). I would write it this way

"Miranda stood alone, in disguise - a stratagem that she felt was honorable, given the circumstances."

"was going up in smoke". I am expecting more about why her conflict with her brother occurred, and I expect this immediately after this sentence because the author had flagged it. But it moves on to a new paragraph without grounding me in the conflict - he/she has just told us there is conflict. So it feels the author is hiding the information from us.

Is her brother the dead one? There is conflicting messages in this opening, if it were.

For better grounding, I'd swap the information around, putting Miranda's observations of who were present and the conflict with her parents straight after the opening "ghost whispers" line. Then, in the next paragraph, put the elements of disguise and the breach with her brother. That way, if his body is the one on the pyre, one can state that case so we know clearly, and then state her wish to / regret for not reconciling. That way we begin to understand her issues with her parents, as it seems that they were caught between the rivalry of their two offspring.

Would I read on?

Yes

Do I understand the direction?

Here in my issue. The conflict for this story is said in this first 13 to be between the mc and the brother. But the Brother is dead and burning.... so conflict resolved right???

The sentence is wooden and has "breathing issues" as Bredan put it. Breaking it down it contained what I considered problems in 3 words that I used.

• disguise
• strategem
• honorable
  

disguise - the garment or mask should be described, but describing such is not be central to anything. Besides, if she was alone - why does she need a disguise? Also, "alone" is not a correct adjective for the scene.
strategem - a very loaded word that is not easy on the reader. It is too much presumption to character trait on first meeting of the character.
honorable - same as above. It is actually false honour since it's "in her eyes."

The protagonist introduction is without any emotion to the situation - "she felt was honorable..." just doesn't cut it. Another issue - her location at the scene; Another issue - what is her brother's name so we can start to know the antagonist.

I have edited the above to include my 2nd revision to the 2nd sentence. (Also changed the 3rd sentence to omit "almost" which is a superfluous adverb.)

I am a "newbie" on this site so I'm critiquing my own work before critiquing others (and stepping on toes). Yes, this was micro-critiquing on a single sentence, but I wanted to convey some thought process in how I edit.

Does it read better?

I like it better with the changes you have made. It seems to flow better. I still don't have a clear picture of what is going on, but that is ok, that is what the rest of the story is for, there is enough there to hook me.

only one comment.
"From her vantage point she could not discern old lovers or friends that she shared in common with her brother."

But in the revision: "From her vantage point she could not discern old lovers or friends that she shared in common with her brother." got cut for many reasons.

It initially was to convey they were similar in age, but later in the story we find the age difference, about 3-4 years with her brother being younger. But the big issue is that sentence is very stiff. The words "vantage point" and "discern" are too stiff and stuffy. And the point of not seeing friends is so not this story.

We need to bring along the story and set cultural atmosphere. Near the middle of the story I started thinking this was the same character as in another story I had not completed and made the culture fall into place. So, the main character's name changes from Miranda to Malina.

The adjective "shiny" was cut from before "sickle" in 1st sentence as it was unnecessary. The next 2 sentences are new.

The last 2 sentences were: "She could see her parents near the front closely flanked by mourners and well wishers. Miranda wished to stand with them but she knew that time had not healed the wounds between them." It was tighten up a bit.

Some additional changed were made in 1st paragraph. The last sentence ended with "... reunion was going up in smoke." That sounded cute - fire...up in smoke - a bad pun with the wrong meaning, so it was changed.