posted
Timothy Yarbro was at the spaceport an hour early waiting for the monthly shuttle from Earth to arrive. He stood about the observation window getting an eye-catching glimpse of the brick-red landscape that stretched to the horizon.
Keeping his mind on the arrival time of the shuttle was not easy. Taking his eyes off the sandy landscape, he could see the Argo Navis in its final preparations before launch. It stood a few kilometers away scaffolded by berthing tubes attached to a large bubble-dome. It would take the first permanent colony to Titan, just as the Ray Bradbury had taken the first settlers to Mars.
====
This is an old piece that I look at every few years and say I will revive it. It has a simple plot that I labeled in one of my self critiques as "obvious and trite". For some reason I was looking at it tonight.
What do you think of the opening paragraphs?
[This message has been edited by telflonmail (edited May 22, 2011).]
posted
In terms of information, its fine. Not a strong, hit-you-in-the-face new idea, but a good indication of where the story is starting. I would keep reading for a while, but I would need to know more about the implicit promise and what type of story this will be within the next page.
My main concern is the seeming passive feel to the opening. Not exactly passive tense, but the fact that so far Yarbro is a) waiting around, b) trying to keep his mind on an arrival time and c) is distracted by scenery, doesn't say that this story is really about him. In that respect, this could be a simple infodump, and the real MC yet to come on the scene. But, having said that, I have seen some passive openings work, which is why I would keep reading.
posted
I agree with Brendan regarding the passive opening.
I'm not really seeing anything to hook me, in large part because I've no idea what the conflict is here. You *can* have an opening in which the external world is passive, without much going on, and still have plot development by showing the character's internal world.
Another way to use a passive opening is if you plan to juxtapose it with a dramatic event. The passivity can be used to lull the reader into a sense of comfort just before something big happens.
In general, I believe the best openings give the reader as much grounding information as possible: Protagonist, Setting (time & place), Conflict.
posted
A colony on Titan could be an interesting read just on the logistical trials and tribulations alone. I got kind of stuck on a couple of things: 1. "Keeping his mind on the arrival time of the shuttle was not easy." -- why? Because of the red brick landscape? Because he was worried about his girlfriend? 2. Naming the ship the Ray Bradbury was distracting to the story. 3. he could see the Argo Navis in its final preparations before launch -- how? Like were they loading some crates? Were they pumping some fuel into the side?
I guess I would like more details. This story is close to making me want to read more though, cause Titan would be a bitch to live on for sure.
posted
Original title was "Stowaway to Titan" That gave away too much of the plot.
There was originally a lot of description of the spaceport and other distractions. It didn't flow very well. Some people wanted more description, others wanted less and get into the plot quicker. You cannot please anyone. Could not please editors who found it very obvious and not overly original.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
