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Man’s next step in evolution began with bang, and then blood. Dr. Zimflat had been shot in the chest. He was shocked at the pain, but realized quickly that he’d be dead soon if he didn’t take action. His experimental chamber was across the room -- could he make it? Blood spurted out of him with every heartbeat, and his vision blurred. He crawled, and flailed his way over to the console with every bit of life he had left. He had no time or strength to program in a plan, so he just fumbled with a random setup, hit start and then exhaled weakly falling backwards into the chamber. His last thoughts were of revenge. The door became electrified and closed slowly sweeping the doctor’s limply hanging legs inside gently as if not to wake him. The console outside processed data and then

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Hey, here's a short story I've started. Not sure if it's going to be comedy or horror. I bet it's hard to take a man turning into a bush seriously though -- but he's out for revenge! Let me know your thoughts or if you'd perhaps like to read more or how I could make it more enticing. Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 23, 2011).]

The idea itself just reminds me of "The Fly". So the idea seems old of itself, and doesn't draw me to read. So, after that first really strong sentence, where you raised my hopes, I felt disappointed.

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Man’s next step in evolution began with bang, and then blood. Dr. Zimflat had been shot in the chest. He was shocked at the pain, but realized quickly that he’d be dead soon if he didn’t take action.

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Ok, let's begin. The first sentence works fine, although I would throw in an "a" right before "bang". The second sentence is fine as well. The third is where the trouble really begins. This is where you start "telling" the reader what the character is feeling. It can work in a first person narrative, but not in third person. "He was shocked at the pain, but realized quickly that he'd be dead soon if he didn't take action." Look at all the telling words. To fix this, just use more concrete language. Instead of saying he was "shocked at the pain", say what it was like for him.

Try to describe the sensations in detail: "The blood pooled out of his chest and down to his sides. It was surprisingly warm and thick, like the sludge that accumulates from rotting food. The smell was intense, like rusted copper. He gagged as he struggled to breathe."

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His last thoughts were of revenge.

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What you have here is another telling phrase, but in a different way. For this, we need to see those thoughts, not told. Give us something we can get behind. Show us his reasoning for it, his process. Otherwise we just brush it off and it is difficult to empathize.

jcavonpark -- your comments and sample sentence are very helpful. Thanks. I'm going to drink some coffee and take a crack at this again! No where to go but better.

Brendan - Not sure what "POV so distant" means, but I'll look into it. The audience address in the 4th was actually supposed to be him thinking to himself but I see what you mean for sure. Yeah, it is too much like the fly. Perhaps I'll have him inject himself with some concoction instead or some such.

NoTimeToThink -- haha thanks I like your examples. Also Thanks for teaching me what incongruous means! I had to look that up. You and Brendan says it's distant from the character so I'm going to have to read up on how to fix this. I think I saw that OSC has a book on character writing so perhaps I'll start with that.

Okay I'm going to get some coffee and try again with the same story line -- basically a man that turns into a plant. This also might be too much like Swamp Thing come to think of it :-\ Swamp Thing rules if you have never seen it fyi.

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The hypersonic bullet came as if from nowhere – a window broke thinly, followed by an explosion of blood and flesh from the doctor’s chest. His eyes bulged big and white, as thick red glop spurted out him puddling on the floor below. He slipped on it, and fell hard on to his back causing him to wretch out more blood; and his lung popped like a water balloon. He rallied though, and flailed his half-dead body across the room to where he’d been working. Reaching up to the metal counter above, he grabbed a large quart sized syringe, which had glowing contents and was labeled “Forsythia Bush Extreme”. He stabbed its needle deep into his neck and his thumb pressed the plunger all the way down. His eyes quickly became bright yellow and he moaned; and his legs went crazy as if running a sprint, but then they became stiff like chopsticks and cracked loudly.

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The hypersonic bullet came as if from nowhere

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Stay away from "as if" when you write. It just sounds off-putting. We're experiencing things that the character experiences, so just say it came from nowhere and leave it at that.

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a window broke thinly, followed by an explosion of blood and flesh from the doctor’s chest.

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I'd take out thinly. For starters, it's an adverb, and adverbs are evil. Second, it's a weak word, and you don't need it anyway.

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His eyes bulged big and white, as thick red glop spurted out him puddling on the floor below.

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I don't think you need the "big and white," stuff. Just saying his eyes bulged implies they got big, and white doesn't add anything because we all know eyes are white.

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Reaching up to the metal counter above, he grabbed a large quart sized syringe, which had glowing contents and was labeled “Forsythia Bush Extreme”.

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The wording here is a little weird. Maybe you can fix this by saying "Reaching up to the metal counter above, he grabbed a large quart-sized syringe. It was labeled "Forsythia Bush Extreme" and it glowed a pale yellow in the faded light."

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He stabbed its needle deep into his neck and his thumb pressed the plunger all the way down.

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I think you could leave out "all the way", or even half of the line itself. You could say ""He stabbed the needle deep into his neck" and just leave it at that. If not, then just take out "all the way", because it's an akward phrase.

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His eyes quickly became bright yellow and he moaned;

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I'd replace "quickly became" with "grew". It just flows a little better.

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and his legs went crazy as if running a sprint,

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Rework this image a bit. I don't know what this means, exactly. If his legs are going crazy and he's not standing up, how can he run, or even look like he's running? Maybe you could say they spazzed or flailed uncontrollably instead.

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but then they became stiff like chopsticks and cracked loudly.

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The sudden change to a new image in the same sentence is a little too fast. I'd slow it down a bit. Separate the two thoughts by making this its own sentence. "Cracked loudly" is an interesting image, but maybe you could switch it up a little. "Loudly" is an adverb, and I don't think you need it here. Try saying something like "His legs went numb and rigid, like rigomortis setting in. Then there was a crackling sound, like tires passing over dead leaves."

Feedbacks:

1. Interesting. I wrestled with the "as if" and did take it out for a bit, but then felt like if I took it out people would say I needed it there. It was tricky, so I pictured myself saying it haha and I think I would actually say it like, "The bullet came as if it was like from nowhere" -- but that's even worse lol.

2.I wrestled over using thinly in that sentence too, and also tried quietly and subtly in there both of which might be a little more effective -- but still adverbs. I guess I need to read up adverbs! haha. I am ignorant as to why they are bad so I'll check it out. I was trying to describe to the reader that the window broke but that it was very soft or subtle and not like a big crash of glass -- perhaps that whole thing is irrelevant. So I guess I need to learn the difference between describing stuff and using adverbs?

3. haha but I wanted the reader to picture big white eyes from him being shocked -- instead of just saying he was shocked. I was trying to get away from telling. Man this is tricky.

4.Yeah thanks. That sentence was messing with me. I tried it several ways -- I'll work on it more.

5.I did try it without the plunger going down but then it seemed not graphic enough. I wanted the reader to imagine this crazing glowing stuff going into the doctors neck and not just think of it as a simple injection. Tricky again.

6. grew is interesting. I'll try it, or perhaps turned or something. hmmm i wanted to express how fast they changed -- is this all stuff that I want the writer to imagine unnecessary? I'm seeing a pattern now haha. Perhaps what you are saying that it's better to leave all this kind of stuff out and the reader will still get it? :-\

7.Yeah haha I was trying to explain that he was doing like a sideways bicycle motion -- remember when you were a kid and you would lay on your side and do a sideways air-bicycle?

8. yeah I'll work on that one too. Man I'm going to read up on adverbs and then take another stab.

http://io9.com/5437610/seriously-whats-so-bad-about-adverbs

still reading...

hahaha holy crap! You know maybe it's because I grew up reading what this guy calls "pulpy sci-fi" so when I have been writing I have always thought that the adverbs belong there and it's actually wrong no to have them haha this his nuts. It's like I'm going to have to learn to write from scratch.