posted
I watched the Janesk playing with her drink like some regular customer. She swirled the blue fluids around the glass and occasionally sipped them, all the while her brown eyes scanned the room. Transhumans are often sexually blurred. But she looked like a she, walked like a she...I waved her over. "Are you the master of the Dreven?" she asked as she neared. I nodded. "And you're the Janesk." She smiled and slid into the booth opposite me. Her fingernails drummed lightly on the table-top--likely weaponized bioware. "I need passage to Chola." "So you said."
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 30, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 30, 2011).]
posted
Yes, this is very good first thirteen. You could nitpick at on some parts, but I think it accomplished everything you want in your first thirteen.
posted
Blech! Underwritten and overwritten all in 13 lines!
quote:I watched the Janesk playing with her drink like some regular customer.
Like this sentence, for example. The 'I watched' is usually a stopper, but I believe it's best in this 1st person narration. The 'like some regular customer' is too vanilla for my liking. A better visual is in order.
I watched the Janesk play with her drink, acting as if she were a bored single white femaled human in search of a bit of one-on-one action for the night.
quote:She swirled the blue fluids around the glass and occasionally sipped them, all the while her brown eyes scanned the room.
'around the glass' sounds like it's outside of it, as if its a holograph. Wouldn't 'in' be more accurate than 'around'?
quote:Transhumans are often sexually blurred. But she looked like a she, walked like a she...I waved her over.
First, shouldn't there be a comma after blurred? And the second sentence is too opened ended. It would be a good spot for a bit of inner monologue to build on the parameters of your universe.
but she looked like a she, and walked like a she...close enough, for most. I waved her over
quote:"Are you the master of the Dreven?" she asked as she neared. I nodded. "And you're the Janesk."
The framing of her question makes his answer sound odd and forward. She asks as if she doesn't know at all, while his response comes off as cocky. A minor rewording of both would change this. either...
"You are the master of the Dreven?" she asked as she neared. I nodded. "And you're the Janesk."
or...
"Are you the master of the Dreven?" she asked as she neared. I nodded. "And you must be the Janesk."
quote:"I need passage to Chola." "So you said."
He did? When? I assumed they were meeting for the first time.
Truthfully, this opening reads fine, but you were getting way too much love for it, and that makes me jealous.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 30, 2011).]
posted
Overall, I do like this opening. It's not overwrought and it catches my interest. However, I agree with most of what the previous poster says: there is room for improvement.
The one thing that no one seemed to comment on:
"She swirled the blue fluids around the glass and occasionally sipped them, all the while her brown eyes scanned the room."
This is grammatically incorrect!
The easiest fix to make it correct would be to replace the comma with a semicolon. However, I still think this sounds awkward. I would try something like thi:
"She swirled the blue fluids around the glass and occasionally sipped them, all the while scanning the room with ..."
Which I would end by adding some sort of adjective before "brown eyes." I can't really suggest an appropriate one because I don't yet know enough about her intent.
Anyways, that's my two cents.
[This message has been edited by zewology (edited July 30, 2011).]
posted
<"Are you the master of the Dreven?" she asked as she neared.>
This sentence really bugged me with the close proximity of both "she"'s. I'm not real sure how to get around it, but maybe find a way to say she drew near, have her speak, then end with "she asked". At first I thought both persons involved were "she" and not sure who was who with the two "she"'s in the sentence.
posted
Okay, read it last night or was it early this morning, anyway thought it wasn't bad even though that transhuman line sounded clunky to me. No, not clunky but it does feel off. Like the flow it off. Maybe it' s because it comes after the long second sentence. BTW that long sentence doesn't read long.
I can see that they had an appointment even though I didn't get that in the first run through. Did you change anything since this morning?
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