posted
Looking for crits on a first thirteen (welcoming volunteers if anyone wants to crit the entirety. It's fantasy --------------------------------------------------
quote:“It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re a magus, boy,” the High One said to Alak. “They’d kill you just as quickly as they would me. They saw the water listen to your command.” She looked him up and down with her bright blue eyes. Magi eyes. Alak’s eyes were good and brown. Had been since the day he was born. His mother had told him the Valanian doctor didn’t even look him over when he’d come to check for magi blood. “But they already marked me clean.” He held up his left arm so she could see the brand the Valanians had put on him when he was an infant. “And yet the water froze when you told it to.” “I didn’t tell the water to do anything.” He hung his head. All he had been doing was playing pegs with Bensi.
Second attempt: ----------------------------
quote:Alak withered under the High One’s glare, eager to be anywhere else. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re a magus, boy,” the High One said. “The masters would kill you just as quickly as they would me. They saw the water listen to your command.” She looked him up and down with bright blue eyes. Magi eyes. Alak’s eyes were good and brown. Had been since the day he was born. His mother had told him the Valanian doctor didn’t even look him over when he’d come to check for magi blood. “But they already marked me clean.” He held up his left arm so she could see the brand the Valanians had put on him when he was an infant. “And yet the water froze when you told it to.”
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited August 16, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited August 16, 2011).]
posted
I don't think you need to say "The High One said to Alak." Just the High One said will probably do.
Mainly I'm wondering why, if mages are "unclean" and she's a mage, is she called the High One?
I have a slight sense we're maybe wanting a little scene-setting before the dialogue, but that may be partly because I usually feel a little mentally confused in stories where magic-users are a "special breed" or outcast. It flows pretty well apart from that I'm trying to figure out what the deal is with mages in this world, but I think a lot of that is me.
posted
Interesting point, Merlion. It's probably why the rule is generally not to start with dialogue. The only reason I used "The High One said to Alak" is because Alak is the POV character and I didn't want to name someone else first, though I have sort of already done that by calling the speaker a High One (she has a name; I just wanted to give her position first).
I'll reconfigure.
I also think it's interesting that you came away with the impression that they're outcasts... I hadn't thought of that.
posted
I don't have any inherent problem with a dialogue begining as a concept...and what issue I had with this one probably has a lot to do with my particular perceptions of certain things.
When I say "outcasts" I'm just refering to the fact there is mention of mages being killed and that children are apparently tested for it in the context of it being a stigma of some kind. I've never written a story wherein magic was outlawed, stigmatized, look down upon or inherently feared, and while it would be incorrect to say I dislike such stories, it sort of clashes with my usual mindset.
I like the flow of the second version slightly better. That "said to Alak" just felt stumbly to me.
posted
@Merlion - Did the change to "The masters would kill you..." from "They'd kill you..." make their situation a little more clear?
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posted
No, not really. But then, I'm not of the opinion that everything has to be fully clear in the first 13. There is a reason why the begining is called the begining. There is still an implication that mages are somehow "special" in this place and that they are in danger of being killed, implicitly by virtue of being mages...whether its everyone (they) or someone specific (the masters) doesn't really change that or the question of why, in such a situation, someone who is a mage would have the title "High One." But my assumption as a reader would be that this will become clear as the story continues.
I like the current version. It flows well and has various points of interest (which is my version of a "hook"; I like interesting, I dislike being "hooked.")
posted
I like this. I'd read on, though I am confused. I get the impression that these masters kill all magi, yet this High One seems to be a magi and is still alive. Her calling them 'masters' seems to imply that she serves them in some capacity. How come she is still alive.
Send me a copy if you like. I could do with a break from editing
[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited August 19, 2011).]
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