posted
This started out as a high fantasy but there seems to be a bit of horror creeping in. I’m looking for feedback on the hook and once I get more done I’ll be looking for a reader. Thank you for your time in advance!
First Draft Zaiden bent his head to the side to avoid smacking his forehead on the door frame as he stepped into the pantry. He approached the caged feeders, flawlessly balancing a tray laden with bowls in one hand and the keys in the other. Standing six foot four inches, he had to stoop down to put the key in the lock. “Stand away from the door,” he growled at the female behind the bars. The petite female elf was sitting against the bars, her back to him, arms wrapped around her knees hugging them to her chest. She lifted her head and turned to look at him with silver intelligent eyes that were a shocking contrast to her pitch black skin.
Second Draft The pale elven woman burst through the wooden door, her long blonde hair and white dress stained with scarlet. Tetsuya was jarred from sleep by the sound of the door slamming against the stone walls. She looked up from where she lay on the floor of her cage and it took her a moment to realize that the woman was covered in blood. Tetsuya met the pale woman’s soulless gaze for only a moment before dropping her eyes and shuffling as far back from the cage door as she could. “That one!” the woman hissed, pointing a slender white finger toward the cage that held Crysus. Tetsuya’s bodyguard was already up, hands on the bars, red eyes seething with hatred.
[This message has been edited by Wylde (edited August 28, 2011).]
posted
If this is a novel, I will read a few more paragraphs because you've got an interesting thing--an imprisoned elf of unusual (to me) appearance. If it is a short story, then you don't have me yet. Nothing in the first thirteen lines hints at what kind of story it is or what row some character has to hoe. My guess is that the jailer is the protagonist since you have named him and he seems to have the freedom to act, but I'm not sure.
The wording needs tightening up. The "second draft = first draft less ten percent" guideline would probably help and would free up some space to include a little more information in those thirteen lines.
In any case, it looks interesting. I don't read a lot of high fantasy but, if it's a short story, I'd be glad to have at it. Hope this helps.
posted
This is the section for short stories, so I assume it's a short story. Novels go in the books area.
I like the writing itself in this very much. It flows nicely, and has a bit of a dyanmic feel, to me. Unlike most here, I have no interest in being "hooked." however, this is interesting to me because of the phrase "caged feeders" and because of the captive elf.
The captive elf herself is the only real problem I see here. I don't know if it's intentional or if you're even familiar with the concept, but your description sounds an awful lot like a Dungeons and Dragons style Drow elf. I don't really have a problem with that in and of itself, personally. However, many will see it and immediately assume you're aping R. A. Salvatore and Drizzt D'Urden (or however you spell it), some will dislike anything remotely reminiscent of DND and last there may possibly conceivably be copyright issues. I don't know if they own the black-and-silver drow elf...I know they have Displacer Beasts, Beholders, Mind-Flayers etc trademarked. Just something to think about.
posted
I like your writing, your sentences are well-constructed and it's easy to read (IMO). I am intrigued by Zaiden, who seems graceful for such a tall man, and by the captive elves.
Tiny nits: You say "female" twice and close together. You only need it the first time; the second time you could just say, "The elf..." because the female is the only one we've been introduced to.
The second teeny teeny tiny thing that snagged me was "silver intelligent eyes." Somewhere in my brain there is some unnamed thing telling me that it should be "intelligent, silver eyes."
HOWEVER, these are teeny things that are subject to your stylistic preference, so feel free to ignore me. I like your writing, and I would be willing to read when the time comes.
posted
I like it so far, but I think it would have a lot more impact if you reordered it. This is my suggestion:
“Stand away from the door,” the guard growled at the figure behind the bars.
The petite female elf was sitting against the bars, her back to him, arms wrapped around her knees hugging them to her chest. She lifted her head and turned to look at him with intelligent, silver eyes that were a shocking contrast to her pitch black skin.
Standing six foot four inches, Zaiden had to stoop down to put the key in the lock.
posted
Anarresti, This is a short story and Zaiden is the protagonist. Thank you for the feedback, I am still working on finishing it and then I’ll begin taking the pruning shears to it. I will definitely keep your advice in mind when I do. I can already see where some of what I wrote can be moved around.
Marlion, I am very familiar with the DND Drow stories and honestly didn't stop to think that my elves may be seen as something similar. It was my intention to have a light and a dark in the story so I made the captive elves dark skinned. The silver eyes on this particular character is not the normal look of the other characters in the story but I can see where you’re concerns are valid.
In regards to copyright, I don't think that dark elves with light eyes would be taboo simply because the Drow from DND have them. That would be like saying Tolkien copyrighted fair-skinned, blonde haired elves that are used in similar works everywhere.
Beyond the look, the social structure and religious beliefs of the elves in my story are very different from anything Drow. The only thing that would be similar would be the fact they have black skin.
With that said, your point is very valid and I will look into it more to make sure I’m not stepping on any toes. Even if I'm not stepping on copyright toes, the fact that I may turn off some readers who are familiar with the Drow is something to make me stop and rethink the idea. Thank you for your feedback!
Mythique, You are absolutely right! Your comments gave me exactly what I was looking for. I tend to overlook the little things so feel free to be as nitpicky as you like. It only makes me a better writer in the long run. Thank you for your time!
quote:In regards to copyright, I don't think that dark elves with light eyes would be taboo simply because the Drow from DND have them. That would be like saying Tolkien copyrighted fair-skinned, blonde haired elves that are used in similar works everywhere.
You're probably right. It just makes me a little uneasy, because I know they trademarked Displacer Beasts and a few other iconic DND monsters (during the 3rd edition era there was an open license thing they had going on where most core DND stuff was open for anyone to use, but a few things...DNDs specific breeds of dragons, the displacer beasts and beholders a few others were witheld from the "system reference documents" that were open content.) I actually need to find out how far that extends myself as I have a love of displacer beasts and I want to know how close I could get to one in a story and be safe :-) But since your elves are not Drow, and simply share some of the same aspects of appearance you're more than likely safe.
quote:It was my intention to have a light and a dark in the story so I made the captive elves dark skinned.the fact that I may turn off some readers who are familiar with the Drow is something to make me stop and rethink the idea.
Knowing this, that your doing something totally different (and very interesting-sounding) I wouldn't change it just for that. Some folks may not like it but that's true of anything. Your familiar with the concepts and the similarities are totally coincidental so you've probably got nothing to worry about. I just didn't want somebody lambasting you for coping Drizzt or whatever and you maybe not even knowing what they meant.
posted
I went ahead and took a different approach to the opening sequence. I backed up the story just a bit to the night before which gives the reader a better idea of what the conflict is.
posted
Hmm...I have to say, I'm not really following this new version. It's giving me the sensation of being pelted with crazy blond elf-women and large wooden doors. Let's see if I can express clearly why...
quote:The pale elven woman burst through the wooden door, her long blonde hair and white dress stained with scarlet. Tetsuya was jarred from sleep by the sound of the door slamming against the stone walls. She looked up from where she lay on the floor of her cage and it took her a moment to realize that the woman was covered in blood.
Here, I'm experiencing considerable disconnect between the first and second sentences. I think a bit of inversion and modification would improve the flow and clarifify the seen. Have Tetsuya be awakened by the sound of her cage door slamming against the stone wall. Then she sees the crazy blond elf pyscho lady. Also, I'm a bit thrown because I'm used to cages having bars, not doors.
quote:“That one!” the woman hissed, pointing a slender white finger toward the cage that held Crysus.
Aren't they already in a cage? And if these cages are more like cells, with solid doors rather than bars, how does she know for sure who is in which? She may of course know this if she's the one that put them there but "That one!" for me, personally, indicates a visual singling out.
quote:Tetsuya’s bodyguard was already up, hands on the bars, red eyes seething with hatred.
Ahh here are some bars. Is Tetsuya's bodygaurd Crysus? Probably so, but it still feels disjointed to me. And the bars sort of appeared out of nowhere after the sucession of doors.
Personally, I like the first version better overall. And, especially if Zaidan is your protaganist...in this version, Tetsuya feels like the protagnist. Have you in fact decided to switch?
The second version does have a great intensity, but for me it feels quite unclear and disjointed, plus the protagnist issue.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited August 28, 2011).]
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