posted
Needing some opinions on this first 13 - as it is, I feel it comes across as a bit.... boring. Do you get that impression too? The story is only 4400 words long, perhaps the first 13 needs some more action up front?
First 13
The lights made me squint. Even so, I swiftly passed a thread of shadow through the eye of the needle I held. Practise makes perfect. I had been practising a long time. The shop bell rang. After a spilt second of indecision as to whether I should quickly do something with my shadow hands, which I had unpicked in order to make working easier, I set down my needle and thread carefully on the counter and folded my arms. As I walked out of the back room I realised I was still squinting from the bright lights and blinked a few times. My eyes adjusted to the dimmer light of the storeroom and I looked first to the shadows of the two people standing at the counter. Ah, Katy MacIntosh. I had mended her shadow the summer before with thread containing two droplets of my own blood. I had had the foolish notion that that might somehow
[This message has been edited by Delli (edited October 09, 2011).]
posted
The idea of shadow mending is intriguing. The one thing I'd suggest is that you start with Kathy entering and the Mc thinking "Ah, Kathy McInthosh I mended her shadow etc."
posted
Intriguing, but it seems a little wordy and slow. You say you think it's boring, and those are the reasons why. I think you have all the ingredients in here for a stellar opening, it just needs to be rearranged and trimmed a bit. I think you may be trying to explain too much of the mechanics and details of what's going on here when you should be setting up the novel concepts as hooks. This sentence is most in need of help:
"After a spilt second of indecision as to whether I should quickly do something with my shadow hands, which I had unpicked in order to make working easier, I set down my needle and thread carefully on the counter and folded my arms."
Here's an example of how you could improve its flow:
"After a second of indecision- should I hide my shadow hands?- I carefully set down my needle and thread and folded my arms."
I'm not sure if 'hide' is the vibe you meant by 'do something with', but substitute for whatever makes sense there.
[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]
posted
I agree with Foste. That would be an excellent place to start. As written, I spent a lot of time figuring out why she was squinting and trying to figure out the lighting situation.
Possible titles: Shadow Mender, Ragged Shadow, Shadow Needle
[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited October 10, 2011).]
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