posted
I started this piece for the bookends challenge but didn't get to finish it in time, so I figured I'd submit the first 13 and see how they went over. I'm not married to this piece so all types of crit welcome.
Six feet of earth is never enough to truly bury the dead. It is, however, adequate when trapping those who will not die.
“You have your orders” Cearbhall growled and the soldiers scattered, intent on performing their duty before their Captain decided to take his frustration out on them.
The four warriors moved swiftly through the rocks, Cearbhall’s soldiers close on their heels. The small band ran hard for a long time, until only their footfalls could be heard. Slowing, Kathel put up his hand, his breathing heavy. “We are near Ormarr’s farm. “Perhaps he will aid us in our journey home.”
They approached the rambling farmhouse cautiously. Gunner went forward to speak to his friend, returning quickly to lead them inside. It would prove to be the start of a very long night.
Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2012
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posted
Love the first couple of lines. The only thing that caught me slightly was the bit about them moving through the rocks. I'm not exactly sure what you mean or what they are doing. One of the hazards of fantasy is that sometimes there is a need to be quite specific with ones wording, since anything can happen...I'm not sure if you mean they are moving through a rocky area or literally moving through rocks. From context, that seems unlikely, but it did make me pause. A tiny bit more clarity on what they are doing, overall, before the running to the farmhouse begins is about all I see you needing, really. I like it.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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You introduce the main character quite late, so have very little time to introduce and develop his opening dilemma. The writing is smooth and intelligent. The opening line works for me.
Seeing the line about Gunner and his friend, makes me doubt that the main POV is Kathel's. Is this in omni POV, dipping into everyone's heads? If so, you seem to have introduced the fact well, even though I can't see the reason for it yet. If it is in Kathel's POV, then you might have to make that point earlier.
I think we should know Cearbhal's orders, so we know what the soldiers are trying to do. Not telling us right up front what he wants them to do doesn't help us relate to their task.
You don't say how long you imagine this story will turn out to be. Good luck developing it.
posted
Thank you all for your comments. I'm very pleased at the reactions so far.
Merlion, I see what you are saying and perhaps simply changing it to "they moved quickly over the rocky ground" would help that issue. I also love the first lines, though I owe that first bit to whoever contributed it to the competition. I am so excited that you like the story so far.
Dame, you are correct in that this will be omni pov over the course of the story. I was trying to introduce enough characters in the 13 lines to at least be interesting. The difficulty in the 13 lines is telling enough in a small space. If you could have gotten another 10 lines, Cearbhal's orders would have become clear. Everytime I tried to cram more into the 13, it felt stilted, so in the end, I left it like this. The story will go from the distant fantasy past to modern day, so it's not a short story...the bulk of the story will happen after this one day, hence the "start of a very long night".
Lloyd, thank you for that. It's very helpful just knowing you're doing enough right that someone would be interested in seeing more.
My sincerest appreciation, everyone!
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