posted
This is the beginning of a story that is, to some extent, background work for my novel. It chronicles the creation/birth of one of the nine assassins that play an important part in the novel. It's also an exploration of the difference between physical life and the soul and the idea of a sentient who is not biologically alive. The entity is both similar to, and very different from a Golem, created by a White Road wizard who finds physical life base and inefficient. I'm glad to hear comments on the opening, and once it is finished I will be looking for readers. I'd guess it's not going to be terribly long...probably 3-5k unless it goes off on a binge on me.
The body was nearly finished. One more spell, and the physical half of Adonal's masterpiece would be complete. He raised his hands toward the milky giant in front of him and as he intoned the spell of creation the White Road stretched out before him, a glimmering alabaster causeway in his mind’s eye. A nimbus of pearly light formed around the humanoid construct’s head, its shape guided by Adonal’s gestures. At length it solidified into an ivory framework sweeping outwards and upwards like a crest from the figure’s brow. He’d got it right the first time; the body of the first member of his new race was complete. He ran his hands along the smooth expanse of the construct, feeling a twinge of revulsion at the soft weakness of his flesh, compared to the unyielding strength of his creation.
posted
Overall, I like it. It gives a nice amount of information without being info-dumpy and has good description. I immediately get a sense of the world I'm stepping into. You also do a good job of infusing character attitude , especially toward the end of this fragment - and I know there'll be more to come. I would easily keep reading.
Things that throw me a little:
Hevojeh sounds like an inversion of Jehovah. Even if you meant it that way, it feels a little obvious.
"At length it solidified into a crest or framework sweeping outwards and upwards from the figure’s brow." --This sentence left me scratching my head. I can't visualize it.
"feeling a twinge of revulsion at the soft weakness of his flesh, compared to the unyielding strength of his creation." --The last bit, 'compared to...' doesn't actually make sense with the rest of the sentence. I think a period after 'flesh', and then start a fresh thought for the contrast that you're trying to create.
I'll be happy to read it when you're done. Just send it.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ditto on the comments from the previous poster regarding the name Hevojeh. In reading the passage, the word "construct" seemed to jump out. Perhaps just repeating the "giant" description would be a little smoother --
A nimbus of pearly light formed around the giant's head...
A few nitpicks with syntax... the comma is unnecessary after 'creation' and it's should be its.
I would also pick "crest" or "framework", but not leave it as written with both mentioned.
Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks for reading guys. I have a question, about the name. Are you saying it's too obvious that it is a reshuffling of "Jehovah" (which it is, intentionally) or that using such a name in a story such as this is to obvious a reference, or both?
About the framework/crest, I'm trying to convey that it's form has aspects that could be interpreted as similar to a creature or an object...but I know the "or" thing there is a little weird. I'll have to think on that as I go.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
No complaints, really. Excellent wording and flow, mostly. Other comments were already addressed on that matter. The opening itself was nicely done, however. I have not met a White Road wizard yet, but from this opening I surely want to. It sounds like it is going somewhere good. Surely, I would want to read more too. Send it over whenever you are finished with it. I most definitely want to see where this goes.
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011
| IP: Logged |
quote: He raised his hands toward the milky giant in front of him and as he intoned the spell of creation the White Road stretched out before him, a glimmering alabaster causeway in his mind’s eye.
This sentence was a big long for my tastes. It has a natural break in the middle of it.
Other than that nit, I like it. I'd read on.
Posts: 500 | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
The opening is interesting. I agree with the previous posts, with one tiny little thing. You repeated the word pearly. I simply dislike the word anyway, and seeing it twice was a bit jarring. I guess it was all those years of having "pearly gates" rammed down my throat. Purely subjective of course.
Posts: 884 | Registered: Feb 2012
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ahh...yes that's a problem I have sometimes with my Universe of the Nine Roads stories...I run through color synonyms and shade-names like nobody's business and sometimes I repeat one without noticing. I will fix that eventually, thanks for catching it for me.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
