posted
It was a Fire-August the year the carnival glass ship spiralled in-system and Valan city burned like it always did. The flames flared green at times, as wooden towers with minarets clad in cheap copper vaporised. Cesar Obri's shoulders slumped as he watched. "I think more people will die this year--the fires seem brighter, hotter than usual." Cesar turned away from the window and stirred his cuerva nut cocktail. "Why do you think they've come?" He glanced at me, his eyes in deep shadow. "Was I not clear enough last time, do you think? Have they forgotten what I did?" The last trader ship arrived forty years before and never left. Its shattered carcass still drifted above New Catalonia glinting in the evening sun.
posted
Wow, you've got an interesting world to work with! There's a lot of words and concepts I was unable to grasp. I'm assuming this is sci-fi or fantasy... One small thing: Cesar seems defeated, depressed as he watches the city burn, but then he turns around and starts stirring a cocktail. It seems like such a casual thing when one's city is burning. But this is very intriguing. This hook was enough to make me want to read more. Do you need a beta reader? I'd gladly take the job. :)
Posts: 298 | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
Thanks for reading the story and making comments.
I'm only looking for comments and insights regarding the intro at this stage...thanks for the offer, though. Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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posted
Not bad at all. Interesting start in the sense that the MC is not introduced yet, we seem to know more about the other character, or I mistaken (wouldn’t be the first time, lol)
My only other concern is watch descriptions, some might not agree, but I see a lot of writing that describes everything. Example, sometimes a cocktail is just a cocktail, unless cuerva nut cocktail is of importance showing the country they are in, or country he is from or similar.
Also, the fires burn like they always did, was slightly off, becuase Ceaser says he thinks they are burning hotter and brighter. so it was slightly misleading. It went from an every year occurrence to more this year.
Just my thoughts anyway.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Thanks for reading, Tiergan, and for your comments.
With regard the fires; the first observation (...like they always did.) is by the first person narrator, the only other person (apart from Cesar Obri) in the scene.
The second observation ("...brighter, hotter than usual.") about the fire is by Cesar Obri and, I guess, his opinion differs from the narrator's, which I would have thought to be acceptable?
Also I am not sure what you mean by 'going from an every year occurrence to more this year'. I guess the section in the opening line '...It was a Fire-August the year the carnival glass ship spiralled in-system' didn't work the way I intended.
I was suggesting that NOT every year had a 'Fire-August', but the year that the trader vessel arrived was a 'Fire-August' and so the city was burning (as it did when it was a Fire-August, as it was flammable).
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easterrabbit, you said: "I was suggesting that every year was a 'Fire-August', but the year that the trader vessel arrived was a 'Fire-August' and so the city was burning. "
I'm sorry, I did not understand that sentence. It's like you're saying "I was suggesting that every year was 'A', but this year was 'A'." If every year was a Fire-August, then it follows that this particular year was a Fire-August as well.
Going back to your first 13... "It was a Fire-August the year the carnival glass ship spiralled in-system and Valan city burned like it always did."
The first part of the sentence: "It was a Fire-August the year the carnival glass ship spiralled in-system" gives the impression that it was unusual for the year to be a Fire-August, but the second part of the sentence: "and Valan city burned like it always did." suggests that a Fire-August year was not unusual. The sentence contradicts itself and confuses the reader.
I guess one thing that would be helpful to know is if a "Fire-August" refers to just the month of August or to the whole year or what?
Personally, I wouldn't usually continue reading a book if it dumped a lot of information on me at the beginning like this. It feels like a lot of info for just the first 13 lines.
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quote:The second observation ("...brighter, hotter than usual.") about the fire is by Cesar Obri and, I guess, his opinion differs from the narrator's, which I would have thought to be acceptable?
It probably is. Just thought I would mention it as it did draw my attention.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
I have mixed feelings about this. The concepts (especially the city burning on a regular basis) grabbed me. I love the image and I definitely want to read on and find out what this is all about. On the other hand, I do find this a bit jargon-heavy for my first introduction to your world. Too many unfamiliar words and concepts to wade through, considering I don't have any connection to your world or your story yet.
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