Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Kinetic

   
Author Topic: The Kinetic
Noah Fregger
Member
Member # 9911

 - posted      Profile for Noah Fregger   Email Noah Fregger         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This is sort of the prequel to something I've been working on for awhile. I haven't shared any of my writing with you guys yet, and am looking forward to your input. This is science fiction, set in the not-so-distant future:


It was a confounding assemblage of thoughts. How could they simplify it? Seven personas within a single sentient being–many said it was ludicrous. The machine lifted its hand, actuating the solenoids that sent its mechanical fingers to tap softly along its brazen palm. Did it work?
“What are you?” a voice asked of it. “Do you remember anything?”
The machine thought for a moment. That voice sounded so familiar. There was a muddled face attached to it, even; but the machine couldn’t bring itself to concentrate any further. Each of its thoughts had come highly lubricated, slipping through the chambers of its digital mind.
"What's your name?" the voice clarified. "You do have a name, don't you?"
"Scott," it answered through the thick of confusion. "Lieutenant Scott Stratford."

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
how long is the piece? if it's not too long, i'll take a read.
Posts: 381 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Noah Fregger
Member
Member # 9911

 - posted      Profile for Noah Fregger   Email Noah Fregger         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That's kind of you, Denevius. I wish i had more, but it's still very preliminary at this point. This machine is actually one of the characters in a novel I've recently written - a machine born from the first reckless crack at artificial intelligence.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
ok, cool then. good luck with the project.
Posts: 381 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tryndakai
Member
Member # 9427

 - posted      Profile for Tryndakai   Email Tryndakai         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's an interesting start. [Smile] I particularly like the wording of
quote:
The machine lifted its hand, actuating the solenoids that sent its mechanical fingers to tap softly along its brazen palm.
My only real problem so far is that the first line(s) doesn't fit with the rest of it. For the most part the scene is set in the groggy, waking-up kind of feel of the machine getting its bearings . . . and the first two or three lines are too lucid and non-immediate to go with that overall vibe.

Also, that after expressing the (rather nice) image of his/its thoughts slipping kinda one-by-one (by my impression, at least), it seemed like his awareness of his name came too abruptly.

Overall it sounds cool, I'd just like the "feel" of the piece to be a bit more unified, I guess. [Smile]

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2