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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Hinglefingle's Lesson

   
Author Topic: Hinglefingle's Lesson
LDWriter2
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This is a very short, 581 words, general fiction story. Kinda Romance. What I call a simple story, the tension is verbal and emotional. I tried to make it a bit humorous with the names and some rhyming but probably not enough rhymes. And I'm not sure about the title I just used it to have one.

But if anyone is interested I can send it to you in a day.

Looks like the format here changed 12 sentences to nine so I added two more, we'll see if Kathleen's count is the same.

Tommy Hinglefingle sat on a large rock, for by now he was single. The seat felt hard and rough but he didn’t care. A tear formed in one eye. Today it would be final.
He didn’t notice Jeff Kerkerfell rush up to him from behind. The newcomer slipped around the rock seat, Tommy saw him just before Kergerfell rang his bell.
Tommy hit the ground, stayed there long enough to realize he might taste blood on his lip and that one hand rested on a thorny weed, he jumped up.
He raised his fists and said, “What was that for?”
“You messed around with my girlfriend.”
“Me? You stole her from me...I should punch you twice.”
Jeff waved his hand as if to dismiss what Tommy said.
“Don’t change the subject, you messed with Emily.”

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Brent Silver
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If you'd still like a reader, I have time to check this one out.
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LDWriter2
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I have time. I'm still waiting for another crit. Of course he's waiting for one from me too.

I will send it tomorrow night. It's late now.

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Twiggy
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'for by now he was single'
The words in this phrase seem to be trying too hard.I think you can make it more natural.

You might want to check your commas and full stops. The sentence starting 'Tommy hit the ground' runs on, but I think it can be easily sorted.

I hope that helps.

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