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Author Topic: Rogue Waves
Denevius
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Title: Rogue Waves; Genre: Speculative Fiction/Urban Horror; Word Count: 6760

The final version of the first 13 below. If anyone interested in swapping a piece of comparable length, let me know.

[ December 05, 2012, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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History
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Line one & two: Disjointed sentence flow, poor parsing. For sentence one, consider just "Kim Jung Hyun gasped." Sentence two clarifies she's in pain. Consider splitting the sentence with a period after "...rough wall." Rewrite the second half of the sentence to share she is standing sentry and, since she would know, name the "tall building" she is guarding. You could give the building a name that indicates it is tall (e.g. He Ping or Pyeoung-Hwa Tower).

Line three: Consider splitting, rearranging and shortening. "Her quarry entered the Do Won apartment complex...". Why do lose the "Kim" in her name? The second half of the sentence is also vague. Does she have responsibilities necessary to refer to other than that of her being a sentry. Also, if she is a sentry, why would she have a "quarry" except in the building she is guarding? Why is she a lone sentry? Why doesn't she call in to inform someone she is leaving her position in pursuit of someone? How does she "scale" the building? Are there handholds in the crevases between stones or a drain pipe, or...? Avoid the repetition of "tall (yellow) building" and consider a more distinctive descriptive word than "yellow."

Line four: She scaled "twelve stories" in mere "moments"? Is the "stairwell shed" accesible by climbing over a railing on a roof or ledge? Does she land atop or beside it? I had trouble picturing this?

Line five It may be just a gap in my knowledge of geography, but I need help in strengthening the sense of place. The proper names used so far suggest an Asian locale, but I need turn to Google to discover Jeju Island is part of South Korea in the Western Korean Strait between the Yellow and Japan Seas. Perhaps sharing the Korean locale would be helpful (the young girl certainly cannot see the Korean coast even from that height but, since she is staring our over the water, suggesting she might be trying to do so hints at her troubles). Just a thought.

Line 6 ff: If Jung wasn't moving when the girl "dropped off the ledge", and you had not provided the sense Jung was very close to the girl, I cannot envision her being able to catch her.

I see the kernel of a good story here. I suspect Jung is the Fairy Godmother of the title, and her "pain" is the warning that her charge is in danger. Perhaps her ability to scale twelve flights "in moments" and to catch the falling girl is because of some fairy power of speed. However, this is too obtuse.
Hope this helps.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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Denevius
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Hey, thanks for the thorough comments, history. I appreciate it!

todd

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Denevius
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Revised opening for short story almost completed:

Penetration, deep into her guts, speared Kim Jung Hyun. She gasped, and reached out to steady herself against the rough wall of the building she stood besides. She glanced across the street at Do Won, the apartment complex her quarry had entered an hour ago. She’d been waiting in the shadows for almost an hour, yet still he hadn’t exited the apartments.
Another thrust ripped up from between her legs, and Jung Hyun retched. She looked up to the building’s roof, and when the jolt struck her again, Kim Jung Hyun ignored her responsibility as, staying in the dark, she quickly scaled the yellow wall. She hoisted herself over the metal railing twelve stories up moments later, and crept along the stairwell shed until coming to an abrupt stop.

[ November 23, 2012, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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babygears81
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The revision is easier to understand than the previous. I like it. However, I think the sentences get a little unweildy at the second sentence in the second paragraph. Is it necessary to say "staying in the dark?" If not, I would omit that and join the two sentence parts with and. "...Kim Jung Hyun ignored her responsibility and quickly scaled the yellow wall."

Also instead of saying the wall is yellow, I would describe it.

The phrase "moments later" feels misplaced to me. There are endless ways to rewrite it, but I would try moving it toward the beginning of the sentence, instead of placing it at the end.

I would keep reading though [Smile]

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Denevius
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Thanks for the comments, babygears. I'll be done with this piece in about seven days, and the estimated word count is 6000. If you're interested, I'll send it to you. Either way, I appreciate your thoughts here.

Cheers!

todd

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Denevius
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Title: Rogue Waves; Genre: Speculative Fiction/Urban Horror; Word Count: 6760; Looking to Swap

Penetration, deep into her guts, speared Kim Jung Hyun. She gasped, and reached out to steady herself against the rough wall of the building she stood besides. She glanced across the street at Do Won, the apartment complex her quarry had entered an hour ago. She’d been waiting in the shadows for almost an hour, yet still he hadn’t exited the apartments.
Another thrust ripped up from between her legs, and Jung Hyun retched. She looked up to the building’s roof, and when the jolt struck her again, Kim Jung Hyun ignored her responsibility as, staying in the dark, she quickly scaled the yellow wall. She hoisted herself over the metal railing twelve stories up moments later, and crept along the stairwell shed until coming to an abrupt stop.

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SR Dev
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and reached out to steady herself against the rough wall of the building she stood besides

"she stood besides" reads awkwardly to me.

her quarry had entered an hour ago. She’d been waiting in the shadows for almost an hour, yet still he hadn’t exited the apartments.

You already told us he entered the apartment an hour ago. You don't have to tell us again.

She looked up to the building’s roof, and when the jolt struck her again, Kim Jung Hyun ignored her responsibility as, staying in the dark, she quickly scaled the yellow wall.

This sentence feels a little too long and clunky to me.

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Denevius
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Thanks for the comments!
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