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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » 1st 13 - untitled

   
Author Topic: 1st 13 - untitled
blitchfield
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Revised to fit the courier 10pt format for 13 lines.
1st draft of story is complete at 3000 words. Lines added between paragraphs. But exactly 13 lines without that.

Two months after his wife died, Cody shattered the mirrored wall in a local gym with a dumbbell.

Mandatory grief counseling followed. A hallmark of a late twenty-first century justice system that focused on corrective rather than punitive measures. Right. All about altruism and caring. Dollars had nothing to do with it. During the past fifty years, the cost of incarceration had skyrocketed. Security, health care, rehabilitation, and miscellaneous items like clothing and activities rang in at a whopping $2,000-per day for a single inmate. Compare that to a social worker with a bus boy's salary.

And in the case of Cody's counselor, oneRiley Phelps, you got what you paid for. Phelps began their first session with a stammering testimony on the glory of Christ as his, uh, lord ....

[ January 28, 2013, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: blitchfield ]

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RyanB
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I like the 1st two sentences though something about the flow of the 2nd sentence seems a little off to me.

The second paragraph seems like an info dump. It does set the setting, but it takes a lot of words to do it.

Third paragraph seems to get back on track.

It's a slow start, but I don't mind that, I would keep reading for a while.

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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You have the right idea, blitchfield, but it has to be the first 13 lines of a manuscript using 12-point Courier font (not Times New Roman or whatever) -- to make it the same for everyone.

If you go to the Please Read Here First area, you'll find topics on the 13-line rule, and ways to be sure you have only 13 lines.

We've tried to make it as simple as possible.

[ January 30, 2013, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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SR Dev
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I agree that the second paragraph felt skim-worthy to me. I think a reader can make the logical conclusion that this is why he's in counseling.
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Grumpy old guy
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10-point, Kathleen? I was told somewhere that standard ms format was 12-point courier, and not the 'courier new' I found on my word-processor. Was I handed a smelly red herring?

Phil.

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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Oops. I was thinking pitch. Yes, it's 12-point.

Thanks for the catch, Phil.

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pidream
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Two months after his wife died, Cody shattered the mirrored wall in a local gym with a dumbbell.
Mandatory grief counseling followed.
And in the case of Cody's counselor, oneRiley Phelps, you got what you paid for. Phelps began their first session with a stammering testimony on the glory of Christ as his, uh, lord ....

It's a bit wordy, for me, but take the lecture narrative out and you might have something. That really is your story.

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