Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Family Madness - 2800 words

   
Author Topic: Family Madness - 2800 words
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey guys,

I haven't posted up here in awhile--been really busy, school, two jobs, struggling with some internal matters that have been slowing me down...

Anyway, that's not important. Here's a story I wrote for my Creative Writing class I am currently taking just for fun. It already went through a few reviews from my classmates today (but I haven't changed anything as of yet) and now I would like to see what my fellow Hatrackians have to say about it. All comments are welcome. I am also looking for full reads. They would be greatly appreciated and I would be MORE than happy to return the favor. [Smile]
______________________________________________________________

Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold. The sky cried, lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, shifting the contents in the bag on her back.
She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity. “Tenny, I’ve brought you something.”
Plop! The sound of an object dropped into the thick marsh. “Tenny, where are you?”
“Did you do the deed?” Tenny’s sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere.
“I did.”
“Then please, let me come to you.”

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lizluka
Member
Member # 9916

 - posted      Profile for lizluka   Email lizluka         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I would suggest cleaning up the prose a bit. The first two sentences might provide more tension if you broke them up a bit. Also, I think 'Plop!' contradicts the mood--it suggests a more light-hearted story to me, while the rest of the lines seemed to lean more towards something dark and mysterious. Anyway, take it all with a grain of salt;)

There is a lot of mystery in the setup--who/what is Tenny, what is the relationship between Tenny and Haley, what is the deed, who instigated the doing of the deed, why are they in a marsh, etc. It could make a very interesting read:)

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
GhostWriter
Member
Member # 9963

 - posted      Profile for GhostWriter   Email GhostWriter         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I was wondering what we are called here at hatrack. "Hatrackians" yea, I can get used to that... Anyway back to business as usual.

I agree with lizluka on cleaning up the prose. Short sentences keep things intense, while longer sentences give a certain elegance to it.

"The sky cried, Lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, shifting the contents in the bag on her back" I like the description, but the length took away from the feeling. (Unless this was your goal to begin with.)

"She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity." Confusing. unless she as x-ray vision (which she could...) or can control air, it sounds as if the fog doesn't inhibit her in the slightest. (which, as you said before, it does.)

Lizluka, I agree with you again. "Plop" does slow down the moment and adds a bit of comedy to this darker moment. (All of my critique is based off the assumption that this is a intense moment, If I am wrong, just let me know.)

Love the description: "Tenny's sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere." It makes me ask some BIG questions about Tenny. How is she soft and sweet in such a gloomy and dark place? Who is Tenny? What is the deed? How is Tenny being held back by Haley? Nice job.

UG, I always write a book when I do this, but hey, better than a "great job" short post... Anyway it was a pleasure to read! Good luck in the class fellow Hatrackian!

Posts: 30 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold."

Consider describing the actions, sensations, and emotions of Haley's struggles "through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold." Using sensations rather than summarizations grounds readers in the physical world of a narrative with a perspective character's struggles and allows for expressing commentary about the sensations, what they emotionally mean to a perspective character.

Posts: 2771 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you guys. This is quite helpful. Quite helpful indeed! [Smile]

Oh, and Ghostwriter, I actually don't know if that's what we are called--"Hatrackians". Just something I spit out I guess. :]

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
GhostWriter
Member
Member # 9963

 - posted      Profile for GhostWriter   Email GhostWriter         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Haha, I figured as much [Wink] , but I think it is going to stick anyway. You are on to something there and I'm gonna run with it!
Posts: 30 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Uhm, well, most people around here have called themselves "Hatrackers," for whatever that may be worth.
Posts: 7804 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
GhostWriter
Member
Member # 9963

 - posted      Profile for GhostWriter   Email GhostWriter         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Eh tomatos, tomatos. (doesn't really work when I type it out...) Good to know though, Thanks Kathleen.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heh heh. I figured there was some name. I just haven't been on in awhile to really keep up with them or remember them.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the first one to come up with it. Heh heh.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SR Dev
Member
Member # 9986

 - posted      Profile for SR Dev   Email SR Dev         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Haley struggled through the marsh, the fog obscuring her vision, her clothes sticking to her wet skin in the cold. The sky cried, lashing out with a thunderous roar, startling her and making her jump, ((startling her and making her jump seems excessive)) shifting the contents in the bag on her back.
She stared through the fog, ripping a hole into its obscurity. (how does she rip a hole into its obscurity with just her eyes?) “Tenny, I’ve brought you something.”
Plop! The sound of an object dropped into the thick marsh. “Tenny, where are you?”
“Did you do the deed?” Tenny’s sweet, calm voice floated through the wet and cool atmosphere.(it feels a little clunky to have four adjetives in one sentence)
“I did.”
“Then please, let me come to you.”

Overall I found myself wondering what was going on, not in a want to know more way, but in a confusion way a little bit.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2