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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled

   
Author Topic: Untitled
easterabbit
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I toyed with my drink, swirling the liquid around the frosted glass, and glanced again at the woman sitting opposite me in the cafe.
There was a softness to her gaze, an artless grace to her gestures that belied the mass of circuitry crammed behind her ceramic eyes and the electro-muscles bunched beneath the glossy skin of her slender legs. She was too perfect.
"So, you think you can...kill him?" I asked.
"I would imagine so." She smiled, parting her red lips for a moment. "He is well protected, though."
"Yes." I nodded. "I doubt a cyborg, even one as sophisticated as you, will get past his security."
She chuckled and lifted an eyebrow. "They told you I was a cyborg?" She shook her head. "No, I am a little more exotic than that..."

[ January 13, 2013, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: easterabbit ]

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enigmaticuser
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Interesting. I'd keep reading.
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babooher
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How long is it?
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easterabbit
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I was just looking for comments on the first 13, really. I generally try and get the start working before writing the story.
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JSchuler
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I toyed with my drink...

Does nothing for me, really. I'd suggest starting at "You think you can kill him?" Get me right into the plot.

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History
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While I agree with J Schuler that "You think you can kill him?" is a stronger initial hook, I love the way you establish the scene, characters, and conflict. They indirectly build the tension.

When the first hook is the set, it is set deep. You quickly follow with a second hook:

""They told you I was a cyborg?" She shook her head. "No, I am a little more exotic than that..."

There is no escape. You've got me.
Very well done!

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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axeminister
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I have to agree with Dr. Bob. I liked the establishment of setting and character before the hook.
OSC is always saying the first paragraph is free. While I admit I don't entirely understand his meaning, I'll repeat what he says FWIW.

Good ending hook too. In and out in 13. Nice.

I might suggest adding an internal bit of character after, "I asked." That seems like a good spot to take a quick aside and let us know a little about the MC. Male, female, motivation, etc. However, in this case, I'm willing to wait for that info.

Axe

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easterabbit
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Good point about the MC's sex. I think I'd insert that info in the response from the woman, e.g.


"I would imagine so, Mr. T'riq." She smiled, parting her red lips for a moment. "He is well protected, though."

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History
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The way the MC describes "the glossy skin of her slender legs. She was too perfect...* I readily understood him as male.

Thus, I did not share Axe's confusion nor require any change.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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easterabbit
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Good guess...but I'd prefer to be clearer than a guess--after all it could be a woman who appreciates glossy, slender female legs!
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babygears81
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Hooked like a fish. Love it! And I agree with History that sex distinction isn't entirely necessary, but it's your story. [Smile]
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RyanB
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I agree with the others that it's a wonderful hook. I think the first sentence is great.

I wonder about the very last sentence. At first the woman under-promises. "I imagine so." And then she over-promises. Even though she says a "little" more exotic I take that sentence as meaning she's "a lot" more exotic. I would prefer something slightly more subtle.

Also the chuckle and the lifted eyebrow seem to be two different reactions to me. Amused vs. confused. I mean she might be amused and raise the eyebrow to act like she's confused, but then she shouldn't chuckle too. Maybe this is just me.

Keep in mind these are all thoughts I had after mulling it over for a while. When I initially read it I was thoroughly intrigued.

[ January 17, 2013, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: RyanB ]

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