Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled Short Story [Sci-fi/Drama]

   
Author Topic: Untitled Short Story [Sci-fi/Drama]
SR Dev
Member
Member # 9986

 - posted      Profile for SR Dev   Email SR Dev         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
On the anniversary of her mother’s death, Monica sits at a campaign dinner listening to her father’s assistant blather on about how this will be the year. Finally, finally the war with the Others will be over.

“Your dad’s working on something big.” Patrick’s not looking at her, or at his plate, even as he shovels some mushy pasta into his mouth. No, of course he’s looking at her father, who’s schmoozing in the corner near the impromptu stage.

Idly, Monica rearranges the forks and trying to gain the will to stomach another course of too-dry chicken. “Yeah? What?” It looks the same color as the wallpaper of the generic hotel ballroom.

“I can’t say the details before the press conference in two weeks, but we’ll need you there.”

“Sure, I’ll come.”

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Grumpy old guy
Member
Member # 9922

 - posted      Profile for Grumpy old guy   Email Grumpy old guy         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
SR Dev, As a hook to get me to turn the page, it doesn't work for me. The reason is that the foreshadowing is too contrived. particularly these parts:

about how this will be the year. Finally, finally the war with the Others will be over.

“Your dad’s working on something big.”

“I can’t say the details before the press conference in two weeks,

All that is overkill.

Then there are the 'writerly' nits. You can't speak while you're shovelling food into your mouth. And Monica saying "Yeah? What?" I would write as "Yeah, what?" and I would also describe the colour of the chicken before that statement by Monica. But my preference would be to start that with "Yeah, what?" Monica returned to idly...

Just some thoughts.

Phil.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Yeatts
Member
Member # 9500

 - posted      Profile for A Yeatts   Email A Yeatts         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I like the voice. She's snarky, jaded, and ready for a change. Her mother is dead and her father ignores her... already I've got a grain of sympathy for her that makes me care about what happens.

I wanted a better idea of the setting. War with the Others... there are lots of "Others" out there in popular scifi/fantasy these days. A tiny hint of genre clues would go a long way. Are they on Earth? Present day? Alternate reality? Spaceship? Bunker underground? Need a tad bit more to anchor it.

Not sure if I'm hooked but I kind of like the MC so I'd probably give it a bit further to grab me.

Hope that helps! Happy writing!
Anna

Posts: 207 | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2