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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Caitlin -- first 13

   
Author Topic: Caitlin -- first 13
Grumpy old guy
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As Major Rick Greene walked across the gallows floor the metal grating beneath his feet sang with every footstep. He paused at the corpse hanging there and faced his Aide, Lieutenant James Powell.

“Jimmy, could you find something to cover her face?”

Lieutenant Powell saluted. “Yes, Sir!”

Rick Greene then walked over to stand on the threshold of the only cell with an open door. It was a concrete box, three metres a side and three high. His eye was drawn to four scattered sheets of what looked like paper near a drain. There was the broken stub of a pencil lying nearby.

When he picked up the sheets, the beauty of the alien calligraphy captivated his senses. The cursive script flowed across the page..

All thoughts welcomed.

[ December 27, 2012, 02:07 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]

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A Yeatts
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The names were a bit chunky to get hold of in the first two sentences. Maybe use abbreviations? Maj. and Lt. Would at least to the eye move more smoothly. But its info you have to get in...

I find myself wanting to know about her face. Why he wants it covered. Is it human decency or the alien abnormalities are disturbing? If it's important enough to be in your opening, it could be a great hook and give us a lot of information about the MC by his reaction.

Love the alien calligraphy. Very interesting juxtaposition of a handmade type of art against the metal gallows and concrete boxes.

Happy writing!
Anna [Smile]

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Long Writer B8
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I agree w A Yeatts on the names. Also, I think it slows this down to describe the cell as "three metres a side and three high." Is that needed here? If not, I would tighten this up.
I do find this intrigued & want to know about the alien calligraphy, who had been hung. I would read on.

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easterabbit
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As Major Rick Greene walked across the gallows floor the metal grating beneath his feet sang with every footstep.

-I don't like starting with AS. You could reformulate the sentence to avoid it.

He paused at the corpse hanging there and faced his Aide, Lieutenant James Powell.

-He paused....and faced? Didn't he pause, then face, or did he do both things at the same time?


“Jimmy, could you find something to cover her face?”

Lieutenant Powell saluted. “Yes, Sir!”

Rick Greene then walked over to stand on the threshold of the only cell with an open door. It was a concrete box, three metres a side and three high. His eye was drawn

--Wouldn't it be more immersive to just say what he saw?

to four scattered sheets of what looked like paper near a drain. There was the broken stub of a pencil lying nearby.

When he picked up the sheets

--Did this happen at the same moment as picking up the sheets? Or did one happen first then the other?

, the beauty of the alien calligraphy captivated his senses. The cursive script flowed across the page..

All thoughts welcomed.

[ January 12, 2013, 07:20 AM: Message edited by: easterabbit ]

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RyanB
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Echoing others, I think it would benefit from some tightening.

"The cursive script flowed across the page" doesn't do anything for me. The sentence before it is great, but that sentence makes it seem like regular human writing.

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