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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Short story set in 2039

   
Author Topic: Short story set in 2039
JeanLG
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It’s December in Chicago and the forsythia have been tricked into blooming from the warmth. The grass is even still growing, for goodness sake. I asked my grandson to mow it yesterday, but he thought I was crazy. I am crazy.

I’ve got to be crazy. I think I’ve fallen for this guy and I promised myself I’d never do that again. His name is Judd and he’s in my tai chi class and he’s only 70. I am quite literally old enough to be his mother.

I know I’m just setting myself up for trouble, but it’s been years since I’ve felt this kind of craziness and I remember now why I liked it so much. Crazy and free. Like someone peeled back 50, 60 even 70 years and I was young again.

Ah, but this time young without any of the disadvantages of

[ January 11, 2013, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Grumpy old guy
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An interesting and laid-back opening. My only concern is that the story is written in the first person -- a tricky thing to maintain, and quite limiting.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. Hell, I've got a 90K word draft of a story written in the 1st person, immediate POV. Talk about limiting.

Just a few cents worth.

Phil.

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Long Writer B8
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I don't have any problem with 1st person if done right. I agree it is hard to maintain because you can't show anything the POV char doesn't know. And internal POV can get stale if there isn't enough going on.

On the other hand, it seems to me that while the laid-back opening sets a tone, it doesn't necessarily pull me in as a reader. I'm not sure the first paragraph does enough for you to warrant being the starting point.

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easterabbit
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This is present tense, first person--it's pretty hard to do well and I don't think you've cracked it yet.

The actual story isn't really engaging me--sorry to say. Can't find a hook.

I think if you are starting in first person, it may me better to show that straight away in your first sentence.

"...even still...' seems a bit redundant.

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Denevius
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how long is the piece? i'll take a look at it if it isn't too long.
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Bruce King
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Not sure if you're still open to input on this one but...

I like your plot.

The sentence: "It’s December in Chicago and the forsythia have been tricked into blooming from the warmth." A great sentence, but I would ask: Warmth from what? I know it is supposed to be obvious but you might want to say "warm weather".

The next sentence feels awkward. You might want to rearrange it to say: "Even the grass is still growing..."

I like the second paragraph.

The only thing I would take a look at in the third paragraph is the "...50, 60 even 70 years..." Feels like overkill to me. I would say just pick one.

Your first 13 hooks me. I especially like how you seem to express your theme in the first sentence. Very poetic.

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SR Dev
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Too much use of the same word "crazy" in the opening for my taste.
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