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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Priorities

   
Author Topic: Priorities
Long Writer B8
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This is my first sharing of a short story with Hatrack. It's about 2200 words. I'd love your thoughs as to whether this intrigues:

To say Megan Winthrop was furious didn’t begin to cover the depth or breadth of her anger – or confusion. One moment she was unlocking her Luxury Cruiser, late for a crucial meeting with the Undersecretary of Defense Technologies. The next, she was staring at her refrigerator, keys still in hand.

Without considering the implications, she raced for the front door. When she tried to open it, she couldn’t turn the knob. Not only that, it felt cold and the day had been warm enough that she’d started to perspire. She kicked the door as hard as she could and regretted the scratch on her new black clogs. Cursing that she’d ruined a perfectly good pair of shoes, she turned toward the living room. On her sofa lay a bundle that hadn’t been there before, a haggard woman who flipped channels on her

[ November 20, 2012, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Grumpy old guy
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G'day.

"To say Megan Winthrop was furious didn’t begin to cover . . ." Then why say it; show it. That's the first 'rule' of writing, well actually it isn't, but don't mind that right now. Whenever possible 'show' the reader what the character sees, feels and hears, don't tell me about it.

So, fix up the first paragraph and I think you've got a pretty good opening; and I'm asking questions . . .

Phil.

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LewisC
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I think I agree with Grumpy Old Guy. Really, I think you can lose the first sentence. You immediately start showing why she would be confused and I would guess you probably show why she would be furious very close to the beginning.

LewisC

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GhostWriter
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I have to make this quick, but I think the intro sounds fine to me. I have been reading a little book and I have heard, more than once, this style of opening. It gets me hooked personally, but thats only my opinion. Thanks for posting!
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Long Writer B8
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Thanks for the insight. I will ponder a better opening line.
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pidream
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Grumpy's dead on. Your telling us just about everything here. One trick I use is to imagine all the physical sensations you might experience when gong through a scene. Good luck!
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