Itís December in Chicago and the forsythia have been tricked into blooming from the warmth. The grass is even still growing, for goodness sake. I asked my grandson to mow it yesterday, but he thought I was crazy. I am crazy.
Iíve got to be crazy. I think Iíve fallen for this guy and I promised myself Iíd never do that again. His name is Judd and heís in my tai chi class and heís only 70. I am quite literally old enough to be his mother.
I know Iím just setting myself up for trouble, but itís been years since Iíve felt this kind of craziness and I remember now why I liked it so much. Crazy and free. Like someone peeled back 50, 60 even 70 years and I was young again.
Ah, but this time young without any of the disadvantages of
I don't have any problem with 1st person if done right. I agree it is hard to maintain because you can't show anything the POV char doesn't know. And internal POV can get stale if there isn't enough going on.
On the other hand, it seems to me that while the laid-back opening sets a tone, it doesn't necessarily pull me in as a reader. I'm not sure the first paragraph does enough for you to warrant being the starting point.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Not sure if you're still open to input on this one but...
I like your plot.
The sentence: "Itís December in Chicago and the forsythia have been tricked into blooming from the warmth." A great sentence, but I would ask: Warmth from what? I know it is supposed to be obvious but you might want to say "warm weather".
The next sentence feels awkward. You might want to rearrange it to say: "Even the grass is still growing..."
I like the second paragraph.
The only thing I would take a look at in the third paragraph is the "...50, 60 even 70 years..." Feels like overkill to me. I would say just pick one.
Your first 13 hooks me. I especially like how you seem to express your theme in the first sentence. Very poetic.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013
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