Felix surveyed the central monitoring station when he arrived. Lukas, head of security at Hoechst Research, scanned the CRT monitors switching through video feeds. Another officer puffed a cigarette while a third sipped stale coffee.
Felix was ready to get to the bottom of this. “Ok, tell me exactly what’s happened so far tonight.”
Lukas shook his head. “Seriously? What’s it going to take for you to admit your system is broken? I’ve been here for,” he looked at his watch, “twenty-two hours now. Which means you’ve been here for nineteen. Just admit it’s broken and let's go home.”
Felix thought about his cozy bed, the smell of fresh cappuccino instead of burnt coffee, or just fresh air. “The equipment is fine. Your guys helped me test every one of those motion sensors.
Revision: some large number:
In quick succession Felix asked his questions and got his answers. A motion sensor went off. Two guards rushed to the location, but didn’t find anything. About seven minutes later another sensor lit up. Rinse and repeat. They never saw anything on the cameras, never found anything out of place.
The security team did this thirty-three times the night before. Their two-way radios had never transmitted so much cursing in one night. And tonight was looking like a repeat performance.
“Are you ready to call this off? Say the system is broken? We can shut it down and run manual patrols, then you guys can come replace it tomorrow,” Lukas said.
“It’s not broken. Your guys helped me test every one of those sensors. They’re working correctly,” Felix knew if he was wrong he might be looking for a job with these guys.
Original Felix was startled awake by the bright light and harsh voice. "Let's go, Mr. Engineer. We’ve had two tripped motion sensors. Time to do your thing."
Felix rolled over and looked at the clock: 1:12 AM. "So they came back?"
"If by ‘they’ you mean whatever is causing your system to malfunction, then yeah, they are back. Should I tell the guys to keep a watch for little green gremlins?"
Felix ignored this last comment and pulled his hair into a pony tail. The security guard beamed a condescending grin from under his buzz cut. Felix chuckled silently. Would you like to compare paychecks? Who would be laughing then? But Felix reminded himself that none of this was the security team’s fault. He’d try to make tonight go smoother than the day shift.
1st revision:
Felix shifted his body around. This cot had to be the worst bed he had ever used. He was exhausted, but there was no way he could sleep. He couldn’t stop his mind from trying to solve this problem.
He heard the door open then bright fluorescent lighting seared his eyes. The security guard spoke 3 times louder than normal. "Let's go, Mr. Engineer. We’ve had two tripped motion sensors. Time to do your thing."
Felix looked at the clock: 1:12 AM. "So they came back?"
"They? Should I tell the guys to keep a watch for little green gremlins? Or are you going to fix your system."
Felix was certain the security system was working correctly. He pulled his hair into a pony tail. The security guard beamed a condescending grin from under his buzz cut.
** I'm looking for people to critique the whole story. Let me know if you're interested.
The 'harsh voice' remains disembodied until you clarify it in the line 'The security guard beamed...', until that point I had no idea if it was male, female or an electronic voice, or someone speaking over an intercom, etc--harsh doesn't necessarily mean male.
When someone talks it is important to clear up who is doing the talking so we have a peg to hang the voice on.
Not sure I like your protagonist--his comment about comparing pay checks makes him seem shallow. Not sure I like the direct thought in the middle of the 3rd person--consider italicising it, perhaps a line on its own, or (my preference) don't use a direct thought e.g.
...under his buzz cut. Felix chuckled silently. 'Course, they could always compare paychecks--that'd wipe the smile off the man's face. But, Felix reminded himself, that was none of...
posted
It is a common cliche that beginner writers will often use without realising it is identifying them as such.
It is simply an over-used opening device.
There are pros who may use it, but they may get away with it. Editors may simply dump a story from an unknown writer the minute they see it starts with the MC waking, as it usually (99%) marks a lower quality story.
Of course, it is a legitimate way to start a story--just risky. I wouldn't do it.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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posted
So, what's the protocol here? I edited the beginning in response to comments above. Do I add it in a post, edit the OP, or what?
Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013
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posted
If you edit your original post leaving the original version of the intro intact, but post the new version just below the original, using a heading such as '1st Revision', then people can see the evolution of the piece based on crits you received (some of which you may choose to ignore).
It keeps all versions at the top of the thread--sometimes threads can be quite long and you don't want people to comment on the original version simply becuase they have failed to read the whole thread and were unaware of a revised version 10 posts down.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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posted
Ok, I rewrote and rewrote this opening. Then I chopped off the first two pages. I think I finally got it to where it starts with the essence of the first part of the story.
Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013
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posted
Sounds intriguing, but could you maybe offer us a little more than "location"? I had a hard time getting a mental picture of the happenings, i.e. is Felix commanding the guards remotely, is he with them and seeing them firsthand? I figured since you used the word "guards", they must be in some kind of prison, but it was hard to figure out where Felix was in relation to the guards and what his role was.
I'm also unclear on the relationship between Felix asking questions & getting answers and the motion sensors going off. Why did the motion sensors go off? How are they working correctly if the guards didn't find anything?
And the last line - why would Felix be looking for a job with the guards if he was wrong? I was confused because I've never heard of a prisoner being promoted to guard for doing something wrong.
Granted, I'm not an experienced writer, but I hope that helps. Maybe it can give you an idea of what an everyday Joe Schmoe (or in this case Jane Schmane) thinks while reading your story.
Posts: 298 | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
Oh, by the way, I'm interested in reading and critiquing the whole story. Sorry, I forgot to mention that earlier. :)
Posts: 298 | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
opening with someone surveying feels a little weak to me. Again Felix was ready to get to the bottom of this.
That feels so vague to me it doesn't prompt specific enough questions to make me want to read onward. More importantly, There were no clues from the previous sentences to inspire this thought, so it read as a little bit of a non sequitur to me.
I feel a little bit as if I"m being plopped in in the middle of the story. Which isn't a huge problem, but then I feel like I'd like to have some more details. What exactly is the problem with the feeds? I mean show us how the character knows there's a problem. Give us a concrete symptom. That could be a really strong hook itself. Show us the officer watching the footage, and maybe it looks like there's nothing wrong, but then have him focus on what he thinks is wrong. I needed more specificity to get too interested instead of vaguely confused. But maybe I'm just an idiot.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2012
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