Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Indian v. John Wayne

   
Author Topic: The Indian v. John Wayne
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Hello everyone,
I'm returning to an old flash to hammer it out. I posted this once before, but it was totally different. It's 300 words if anyone wants to take a look. I appreciate any and all feedback.
This is not a fantasy story.


A herd of tourists stampede toward the petroglyphs, enveloping Manuel in the dusty brown soil of his hometown. He returns to this ghost town, when his childhood memories begin to fade, hoping another visit will revive them.
The tourists’ blond heads shimmer against the dust. Manuel folds his bay-colored arms across his chest, black hair draping one shoulder. An asteroid floating among stars, he gazes up at the ancient art.
A tourist wearing a cowboy hat stares up at Manuel, showing his crooked teeth. Manuel has seen this look on other white faces and knows what this cowboy’s thinking. He sees Hollywood’s Indian myth brought to life from all those old-time Westerns. The cowboy looks old enough to have seen his fair share.

[ July 27, 2013, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
The title serves to introduce development of the dramatic complication, which is a strong use of a title. The problem of clashing cultures. Theme an individual and society. I understand the wants and problems Manuel faces right from then on.

I think, though, that "Indian" in the title and later in the opening points to a couple areas that don't work for me. We don't self-identify as Indians, for one. For example, many of us call ourselves the one true people in one of our many languages. What Nation does Manuel belong to? Specificity in short forms is crucial and the principle on point here.

What petroglyphs where? Or are they petrographs? Either of which may be anywhere in the world, or certainly in the U.S. West. And which petroglyphs in particular does Manuel most identify with? Is his spirit companion a condor, or horse, or puma, or salamander?

Taken in those contexts and textures, Manuel visualizing himself as a Mestizo Pinocchio, a beautiful, meaningful, strong, and clear and specific image, by the way, then Manuel comes from a Meso American or South American nation. The Incans were most involved in stone working as part of their cultural expression.

Mestizo: mixed Native southern Americas, African, and Caucasian, mostly Spanish, ancestry. And Pinocchio: an Italian etymology formation. Columbus was a Florentine native. This is rich and exquisite and thematically strong and coherent, artful writing!

Hence, the line "I'm a real Indian!" doesn't work for me in the "Mestizo Pinocchio" context and texture given. Manuel imagines he's cut the oppressive puppet strings of Columbian conqueror dominion, but he uses the term Indian, which is possessively symbolic of that oppression.

I feel like the imagined liberation is contradicted by use of the "Indian" term. Though it could work for me, if it represents Manuel's failure to be acknowledged as his true and respectable and celebratable ethnicity. In other words, his noble identity. Though, on the other hand, it contradicts Manuel's want. Though, yet another hand, the vision declaration is a potent statement set up fairly artfully.

This opening as is, while artful, feels to me a bit too much like cultural malappropriation. Reconciling that could be as simply accomplished as naming a specific and well-known Native Nation Manuel belongs to.

[ July 26, 2013, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wfhack
New Member
Member # 10094

 - posted      Profile for wfhack   Email wfhack         Edit/Delete Post 
I like the image. I think I like the tone of the first paragraph better than the second. The second paragraph sounds to conversational. For something so short I would strive to use more evocative language, emotions, sights, smells, sounds.

Another thought was that he talks about returning to him hometown - what about words like "boyhood haunts". I mention this because when I think of petroglyphs I don't think of a town, rather a cave or cliff face.

Thanks for sharing your piece.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Extrinsic-Thank you for the feedback. Manuel is Mestizo, which is why I use that word with the Pinnochio image. And because he is Mestizo, he has no specific tribe that he belongs to. This flash is based on a true story. Manuel is my grandpa. His father was a curandero, or healer, from Mexico, and Mestizo. His mother was Mexican. My grandpa identified as both, and always referred to himself as an Indian. I never heard the term Native American, except at school.

I have also spent a great deal of time reading Native American literature and they do self identify as Indians. I happen to know there are a great many Natives who reject any term other than Indian because they feel terms like Native American are a product of white guilt. It's about appropriation. Yes, Indian was an oppressive term, but many indigenous people have appropriated that term to mean something positive. A term they can identify with, but isn't appropriate for outsiders to use, so I disagree with you on that.

I will say, that the Native American community is as diversified as any other, of course, so you will find those who don't prefer the term, but based on my life experience and the background of this story, it is the appropriate term to use.

As far as where the story takes place, here was my thought process: This story really took place in Sego, Utah. My grandpa's true hometown, which is now a ghost town. I had hoped that the term ghost town and the references to old-time Westerns would signify that it took place somewhere in the United States, but given that this story cannot exceed 300 words, I felt location wasn't all that important. You're right, this story can take place anywhere in the world where petroglyphs exist, and to me, that's all that matters. If the reader wants to see this story happening in Columbia, or Mexico, or the U.S. it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change the story. As a result, I consciously chose to omit that detail. Do you disagree? If so, please share why so I can reconsider adding that detail if necessary.

The Pinnochio image, and I think if you were able to read the whole story you would better understand this, is symbolic of breaking the strings of his oppressor, while simultaneously acknowledging that he is still oppressed. When he holds his arms up and says "I'm a real Indian" an audience cheers. Even that was part of the show. It also acts as a metaphor for what is about to happen next. Wayne is going to ask Manuel if he can read the petroglyphs. He feels like he hit the jack pot because he's standing next to a "real" Indian and he's going to get some insider knowledge. This question is audacious because 1.) Manuel doesn't belong specifically to any tribe that ever drew petroglyphs, but the man never bothers to ask, assuming one tribe is as good as another, and 2.) even if he were, no modern day Indian could read them.

Manuel senses this. He knows he's being stereotyped because its happened before. He recognizes that look on a white man's face now and that's what triggers the image. Manuel is a modern day Indian, his strings have been cut, but he's still expected to dance and sing on cue.

This is a humorous piece, where the Indian wins. The punchline is at the end. In the middle, there is a twist and the tone takes a slightly more humorous turn, setting up the punchline at the end.

[ July 28, 2013, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: babygears81 ]

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks wfhack. Using more evocative language is something I've been working on with this piece. I'll try harder. [Smile]

The petroglyphs are on on a cliff face, but the cliff face is in this man's hometown, which is now a ghost town. Extrinsic seemed to take issue with that too. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for commenting.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
As I understand, the Sego Canyon rock art is of Ute origin. To me, that's meaningful for readers who are in the know--a biggy reason, that one--but not so much of a detail it would disrupt reading for readers who don't. The Ute people are, or were, the northernmost nation of the culture-linguistic group Ute-Azeteca, which compassed much of the south U.S. Sierra Nevada and north Mexico nevados. North and west of there are Pacific coastal nation culture groups, and east and central North America the Algic and Siouan.

By naming a place, readers may; one, evoke images of the place and its people; two, explore for themselves the place and people; and three, be more engaged by the story from the place of setting's exotic time, place, and situation being given in an absolute context: who, when, and where and to a degree what, why, and how texture.

I understand many people approach their ethnic heritage from many perspectives. Mine, anything Columbian applied to my people signifies a biased superiority and imposed perception. Whether self-identification as "Indian," "Mestizo," Amerindian, Native American, Chickasaw, or whatever else suits the story, is at present your decision.

However, for publication's sake, a closer look at the narrative's meaning, its subject matter, the occasion portrayed and the cultural climate in which it might be published, and the target audience (Kairos and overall decorum) might recommend reconsidering how "Indian" and "Mestizo" are used. By the way, "Mestizo" is disparaged as widely as "Indian."

But for me, the most potential I see is using "Indian" and "Mestizo" ironically. "Mestizo Pinocchio" does that in part beautifully from the simple analogy of The Adventures of Pinocchio being written by Florentine native Carlo Collodi. Chris Columbus was also originally from Florence. That's an exquisitely artful comic and cosmic irony. If "Indian" was used similarly, at least as verbal irony, perhaps courtly irony, maybe situational irony, I'd find that equally appealing.

Underlying the whole figuratively would then be a moral or message about cultural-ethnic identity and, hence, not a cultural malapropriation due to being at once specific to a unique individual, not an entire culture group, and larger-than-life transcendence of that specificity into a wide and persuasive commentary on a social-cultural condition.

And use of the term versus in the title I think gives away too much of the plot. Simply and would serve I feel more artfully. //The Indian and John Wayne//

I think you've got a powerful narrative here, but considering who the audience is for what to me feels strongly literary in nature I think could strengthen the parts and wholes.

[ July 28, 2013, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
Hmmm. Not sure how I could use Indian ironically, but I'll think on it. Thanks extrinsic!
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
Irony is a best practice, for close narrative distance's appeals, when it comes from a character's voice. How might Manuel use "Indian" ironically? Irony is simply saying or doing one thing, literally, that means another, figuratively.

Building on the "Mestizo Pinocchio" motif I think is where how to use "Indian" ironically is. The base is already in the vision declaration, "I'm a real Indian!" Overstatements tend toward irony when they are hyperbole.

Also, perhaps where irony lies is the goldfish bowl effect Manuel experiences at the touristas attraction of the Sego Canyon rock art.

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by extrinsic:
Irony is simply saying or doing one thing, literally, that means another, figuratively.

While I know what irony is, having it put so simply made me realize that I use it already. I guess it would be considered situational irony? The beginning of the story builds the stereotypical Indian image with references to Hollywood's depiction of natives in the old Western movies. When asked to read the 'glyphs, Manuel plays along, acts the part, until he actually speaks and tells Wayne the petroglyphs say, "Yan-kee go home." Wayne gets mad. Manuel has a good laugh, then gallops back to his truck on an invisible pony whooping like an Indian warrior, noting that in the movies the Indian never wins. Non of the other tourists appreciate his antics much and then comes the punchline, which I won't include because there's a curse word. But Manuel acting like the stereotype he isn't, that was imposed upon him (the act, really, being one of opression), to humiliate his oppressor, is irony, yes?

[ July 29, 2013, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: babygears81 ]

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, you've got the irony mastered. But verbal irony, though not per se verbal can be vocal and visual as well or exclusively one, is when a figurative meaning is intended. Situational irony is when a figurative meaning is more clear than a literal one but the figurative one is unintended. More so, the scenario you portray is courtly irony, irony that contrarily praises with faint condemnation and condemns with faint praise or, similar to praise, overstating the glory of a circumstance to show the circumstance is pathetic (emotional) or depicting a circumstance as pathetic in order to show it is glorious.

Similarly, irony that has threefold depth, Manuel uses courtly irony to express his dissent about stereotype images of his ancestry that transcends that twofold level and becomes an exquisitely artful cosmic, global irony about the human condition.

Consider rather than Hollywood old-time Western movies the stereotype film and film motif "Spaghetti Western," since that too is Italian in all its beautiful cosmic ironies?

Cosmic irony is where supernatural forces, like fate, destiny, coincidence, natural world phenomena, cultural and spiritual belief motifs, etc., play cruel and tragically beautiful, sometimes amusing tricks on mortals.

[ July 29, 2013, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygears81
Member
Member # 9745

 - posted      Profile for babygears81   Email babygears81         Edit/Delete Post 
I have never heard of courtly irony. You have given me much to study, extrinsic.
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
"Courtly irony" takes its name from the contentious court entourages of royal courts verbally jockeying for favor and prestige, though a cultural tradition in most any culture group, anytime, anywhere: work, bureaucracies, social cliques, you name it.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2