posted
This is a WIP. It will be about 15k words when it's finished. Is anyone interested in reading what I have so far? Feedback is greatly appreciated.
Haley Vance seemed unable to avoid death. She jogged her usual lunchtime route around the perimeter of Glenview Park and was about to begin the two-mile stretch home when she noticed a small group of parents and children surrounding a cluster of bushes near the middle of the park. A woman covered her mouth. A little girl, no older than ten, stared at the bushes while the other children buried their faces in the skirts and pants of their parents.
Haley stopped. The noonday late autumn sun scorched the clear sky. She struggled to catch her breath and keep sweat from stinging her eyes. Her brown hair was pulled into a ponytail. As she neared the crowd, she saw a pair of shoes sticking out from under the bushes. She walked faster. She saw ankles first and then legs.
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2012
| IP: Logged |
posted
This isn't a bad opening. I liked the first line more when I read it as Haley Vance wanting to die but not being able to; when I got to the end, I realized that she keeps running into death. That made the first line a bit less interesting to me.
Just curious, why do you want the 3000 words of what you've written read? Is there some problem you reached that you need a new set of eyes to look at?
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Generally, the voice here is consistent, though mostly narrator without much character viewpoint, and a little on the everyday conversation side and emotionally neutral. The few diction and syntax glitches I see that pull me out of the story are "seemed," first sentence; conjunctions "when," second sentence; "while," fourth sentence; "As," second paragraph fifth sentence; and static verb "saw," second paragraph fifth and final sentences.
"Seemed" is a word that should be used extremely judiciously. It suggests uncertainty on the part of a writer, showing the writer's uncertain hand on the tiller, and implies doubt unassertively yet not as clearly and strongly as might be desired. Using "seemed" in an opening sentence is especially challenging for those reasons. Consider recasting to clarify and strengthen what "unable to avoid death" means for the story without using "seemed." That feels important for a murder mystery where the protagonist might be a reluctant detective figuring out the puzzle of it all.
"When," "while," and "as" used as conjunction words signaling contemporaneous times and actions splice clauses together that may as a stronger, clearer best practice stand alone without them.
Starting a sentence with a conjunction like "as" can be confusing to comprehend when no dynamic connecting context or texture immediately precedes it. Haley's previous actions are stopping, catching her breath, wiping sweat, and readjusting her hair. When does she start directly moving toward the murder scene that she can be seen approaching, "As she neared the crowd"?
"Saw" and similar static verbs mediate actions and sensations that might more strongly, dynamically just be described as their bald sensations. Both narrator or character can see these visual sensations, so just describing the sensation doesn't mix voices disruptively or cause viewpoint glitches.
A couple of quick comments on the first 13. The first sentence was misleading as I thought it was her death. My other quick reaction is you could pack more in with fewer words. Just by way of an example to illustrate what I was thinking.
Yet again Haley Vance encountered death in the city. This time it was as she jogged home along her usual lunchtime route through Glenview Park. She noticed several women and children clustered around a boxwood hedge. One mother, covering her mouth, stared at the bushes while her little girl cried with her face buried in her mother's skirt.
I'm sure you would do better, but you get the idea. The other thought was to use more specific description where possible. For instance, calling it a boxwood hedge instead of bushes.
Hope that is useful. Thanks.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback.
I'm really glad that you all had the same (unintentional) impression about Haley being unable to avoid her own death. In some sense, it's a bummer, because that does sound interesting, but it's not the story I'm writing. I'll definitely have to clarify.
Wfhack - believe it or not, I was trying to figure out what the heck kind of hedge it was. Boxwood won't quite work, but I'm trying to figure it out. It will definitely be in the final version.
Extrinsic - You always have an overwhelming amount of helpful advice, and I need to digest it. Thank you.
Denevius - I suppose there's no particular reason for me to share the 1st 3000 words yet. It's mostly that I have been a solitary writer for a long time, so I'm not convinced that I actually know what the heck I'm doing
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2012
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
