This is the opening to a short story I'm working on. Just wondered if it hooked and if people would read on. Thanks.
************* First Attempt *************
This wasn’t my first death. Neither was it the first time I had been murdered. Even so, the pain still surprised as the second blast of the pulsar rifle hit me in the shoulder, sending me crashing back into the kitchen counter, sliding to the floor and looking up at the killer striding towards me through my darkening vision. A well dressed man in a fashionable blue suit levelled the rifle at me. His face was pale, dark hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. Old self-defence mechanisms I had long thought I’d forgotten swept to the fore. I let my eyes slide closed, let my arms fall limp to my side, let my chin fall to my chest, and, despite the agonies raging through my body, I let my breath slow and then still.
************* Second Attempt *****************
This wasn’t my first death. Neither was it the first time I had been murdered. Even so, the pain still surprised as the second blast of the pulsar rifle hit me in the shoulder and sent me crashing back into the kitchen counter. I slid to the floor and looked up at the killer walking towards me. His face was pale, dark hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. He levelled the pulsar rifle at me, his expensive blue suit creasing at the shoulders. I let my eyes slide closed, let my arms fall limp to my side, let my chin fall to my chest, and, despite the agonies raging through my body, I let my breath slow and then still. My killer had been nervous, he would be glad it was over. I tried to focus my mind, battle the pain that I knew wasn’t mine, was only the pain of this organic suit I had chosen to wear. The pain
posted
I think you have embraced the hook with this fragment. I love the first line. The fragment raised a number of questions concerning the mortality of the character and a very unusual self defense response. It flowed well and painted a clear picture for me.
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posted
Thanks for reading, r33fking. I'm hoping to have this finished by the end of the week.
Would you be interested in a crit swap? This story for the start of your novel? Could send me your work now if you like and I'll get this to you when it's done if you're interested.
By the way, I'm hoping this will be about 8k when it's done.
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A swap would be great. What's the word count of The Limen Project expected to be? I'm working on a 2 part short story that may be more of a fair swap. Should be under 3500 to 4000 words when it's done.
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>This wasn’t my first death. Impactful first sentence.
The second sentence lowers the mood, although it does give more info. I believe I would reveal a bit more about the manner of murder, especially the pain involved, in order to support the third sentence.
The third sentence rings with many "ing" words and feels choppy with many definite articles (the). I believe I would make two or three past tense sentences of it, incorporating imagery from the fourth sentence.
"Well dressed" and "fashionable" are redundant in the fourth sentence.
The fifth sentence reads like a list to me. I would try to incorporate features like this along with action that drives the story. Then they will flow more naturally.
>...I had long thought I’d forgotten... I believe this sentence can be more compact if it were positive rather than negative (i.e. remembered self-defense rather than forgot).
>swept to the fore. This phrase, along with "long thought", gives the sentence an archaic feel that isn't in the rest of the narrative. This may be intended, but I wanted to point it out. If it is unintended, a character study of the POV may be in order.
The words "self-defense" and "swept" get me ready for action rather than playing 'opossum. It helps raise tension that has already been piqued by knowing the POV is going to die.
My interest is up at the first sentence, but it wanes rapidly in a scene I find somewhat cliché. If Blue Suit is an important character, the narrative is correct to linger and describe him. But if he is unimportant to the rest of the story, I believe the narrative should get to the promised death.
Multiple deaths/lives are found in gods and monsters, dreams and nightmares. The idea has been made fresh with a stunning array of concepts. I believe more emphasis should be placed on this most interesting portion of the fragment. Characterization and setting can include hints of its meaning to the rest of the story.
posted
Thanks, Kent, very helpful again. This opening was a tough one to write, not sure if I was trying to cram too much in here.
Thanks for your helpful comments on this and Shalanih though, if you want to send me something you're working on, feel free. I'd be happy to return the favour.
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