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Author Topic: Brigand
Denevius
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Heath stepped out of the alley into Shibuya. The bright lights of the busy Tokyo district made him squint after spending the day in the dim plane between worlds. He reached for the blue-lensed sunglasses tucked in the front of his black t-shirt and slipped them on his face. He’d lifted the shades from a small boutique a year ago, and counsel had issued him his first of many warnings about following human laws even in death. Heath had ignored the seven angels assigned to his case, but after twelve months of petty crime and botched rescues, he’d used up all of his original grace. One more violation, one more failed job, and he’d be evicted from the plane between worlds into the abyss. He couldn’t screw up tonight. His eternity depended on it.
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Denevius
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Again, thanks Bret for the submission notification. To all else, thanks for any and all comments!
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babooher
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I think you've established concept here without establishing the premise (as explained here: http://storyfix.com/a-clearer-understanding-of-concept). There is some conflict, but nothing super exciting, nothing that draws me in. Having said that, the concept is intriguing. There's also a lot of conceptual ideas that are being hinted at as you establish the world. Because of that, I'm not sure it is concrete enough. The second sentence threw me because "plane between worlds" could mean a plane of existence between two other planes of existence or a flying contraption with a route between a Western, American world and an Eastern, Japanese world. That ambiguity on top of the rush of world building doesn't feel smooth to me. In the end, I think you've established a concept that is strong enough to pull readers in.
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Lamberguesa
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This seems an interesting world. But I don't know enough about who (or what for that matter) Heath is and what he is trying to accomplish. Why is his eternity at stake for petty crimes? The punishment does not seem to fit the bill. Why did he commit those petty crimes? Just for fun? Some ulterior motive? And what is so important about that pair of blue-lensed sunglasses? That's a lot to fit in 13 lines to be sure, but currently I feel disconnected from Heath and his story.
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Denevius
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Hey Bret and Lamberguesa, thanks for the comments!
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extrinsic
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Heath steps out of an alley and recollects past events, a train of thought triggered by bright light and sunglasses.

The stand-out strength for me of this fragment is the use of a digression--the bright light and sunglasses--to access an otherwise backstory summary and explanation tell one degree removed from overt narrator voice and perception. The digression steps through a recollection process somewhat close to Heath's viewpoint--narrative distance closer than might be expected from run-of-the-mill backstory.

However, overt, neutral narrator mediation, multiple past perfect verbs, and limited viewpoint attitude hold distance open. Which, for me, are stand-out shortcomings of the fragment.

"Heath stepped out of the alley into Shibuya." Sentence subject agonist name given first is an immediate clue of overt narrator voice and perception. Heath cannot see himself step nor do any conscious act--reach for sunglasses, slip them on. A squint reaction to bright light is a suitable reflex action; however, overtly mediated by the narrator. Note that each clause starts with a name noun or pronoun for Heath, except "and counsel." Invariant syntax--other sentence subjects are warranted.

"He’d lifted," "counsel had issued," "Heath had ignored," "he’d used up" sequential past perfect verbs. The first instance moves into the completed past a year before; the others perpetuate a nondefinite time between then and the now moment of Heath's recollection mediated by the narrator.

Each opportunity to express attitude for character development purposes is overlooked: the alley, Tokyo, Shibuya, the bright light, the sunglasses, the small boutique, counsel and its warnings, the seven angels, petty crimes and botched rescues, his original grace, violation, failed job, eviction from the plane between worlds, tonight, and his eternity.

Judicious and timely commentary need not express attitude about each and every one, nor overtly; however, a personal degree of commentary is warranted so that Heath's basic nature and behavior develops for readers' access and tension purposes. Heath is an undead petty thief and shoplifter, morally repugnant, not especially likeable. He's portrayed as emotionally neutral. The attitude scale should tip more one way or the other: likeable or worth the hate readers love to feel.

If not Heath's attitude, the narrator's should be foreground. Attitude commentary converts lackluster summary and explanation and backstory tell into reality imitation show, develops characterization at least, if not events and settings, and expresses the moral human condition of a narrative. Attitude transcendentally develops narrative's otherwise basic summary and explanation nature into artful reality imitation.

The least of the features, for example: the small boutique. Boutiques are small by nature. Wasted word--adjective. Robust verbs, adjectives, and adverbs' prose function is attitude commentary. How does Heath perceive the boutique? Cutesy? Tourist trap? Run by idiots? Creeps? Breathers? And so on, Heath's attitude regardless, his basic nature and behavior.

Crucial information about the event of consequence is artlessly withheld: where, what, why, and how Heath urgently goes. Presumably some kind of rescue, since that's given. Rescue of a near-death person to join the undead? An already undead person in distress? A breather who suffered an undead's attack? Withheld goal details, curiosity is unevoked. Where Heath is bound is an overt want: he wants to go and succeed. Problems, besides counsel and seven angels and threat of permanent death, not given. Dramatic complication development is incomplete.

Dramatic conflict, though developed, is generic: life or death, eternity or the abyss, acceptance or rejection. Through the dramatic conflict, stakes and opposing outcomes do suitably develop.

Heath develops a sense of urgency toward the fragment end, as far as emotional equilibrium disturbance and pendent routine interruption, urgency will do, though would be stronger and clearer if Heath's destination and purpose were given. If Heath's destination or purpose were clearer, the fragment would contain needed information. He knows where he goes and what he's expected to do. Readers should too.

Grammar concerns:

Tense coordination: "made him squint after spending" simple past tense "made" present participle "spending" should be a coordinated tense. To begin with, the sentence overall is clunky from inverted causation. Heath spent the day in the dark then squinted outdoors. The sentence tells the reaction before the cause: squinted after he spent the day in the dark. Recast for chronologically linear sequence, the sentence would begin with suitable subject and subordinate clause, //After he spent the day in the dim plane between worlds,// Wordy, though, for a subordinate clause. Long clauses and sentences signal emphasis, undue perhaps in this case. The main idea and event is Tokyo lights made Heath squint. "Made" is a weak verb, though. "Squint" is the operative verb upon which to found the clause and sentence.

Comma and conjunction splice: run-on sentence formation. "a year ago, and counsel" Separate sentences or join with a semicolon and optional "and" conjunction. "And" is unnecessary in the first place and grammatically contradindicated in the second. Coordination conjunction "and" joins coordinated ideas. The ideas of the two clauses do not coordinate: different, unrelated sentence subjects, predicates, and objects. Separate sentences are warranted.

Similarly, "his case, but after" also a comma and conjunction splice: run-on sentence. Also, misplaced comma. Commas separate subordinate--parenthetical in this case--phrases and clauses mid sentence, or sentence start. Sentence-end dependent phrases and clauses' comma separation also depends upon whether the dependent phrase or clause is restrictive or nonrestictive: comma (or colon or dash for stronger and strongest emphasis) separation for nonrestrictive dependent phrases or clauses. Subordinate and nonrestrictive dependent clauses or phrases give nonessential information. "after twelve months of petty crime and botched rescues" is nonessential by a degree.

Recast for illustration:

//Heath ignored the seven angels assigned to his case. [After twelve months of petty crime and botched rescues,] He used up his original grace.//

Note also "after" used twice in short succession.

This start doesn't work for me, for the above reasons, and because necessary details about Heath and his situation, such that he becomes likeable or sympathy- or empathy- or hate-worthy, are withheld. Likeable--noble if trivial self-sacrifice. Sympathy-or empathy-worthy--more than urgency and fear of final death are warranted from a degree of noble likeableness and pitiableness. Hate-worthy--stronger moral and selfish depravity warranted.

[ October 10, 2014, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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Denevius
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As always, thanks for the feedback!
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