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No god ever spoke to Khadim. In his entire life, he had only seen two, and they were both drunk. In the crushing heat of the training yard, covered in sweat and sand, he wondered if competing was even worth it. There had to be an easier way to feed his family. “Again. Come on, Ogon doesn’t claim guys who half-ass it. You’d be lucky to get picked up by Erzuli with that kind of effort. Do you want to compete in a pink loincloth with flowers around your neck?” Zoss asked. The old coach poured cool water over Khadim’s head and wiped the wrestler’s face clean. “No,” Khadim muttered. “I didn’t think so. Now get it together.” Zoss slapped Khadim on the back and walked back to the edge of the ring.
This is a story I'm currently in the early stages of outlining, but I wanted to get atleast a scene or two down in writing. I anticipate it being in the realm of 10k words when all is said and done. It's going to be a fantasy story set in a west african- like culture.
posted
This is an interesting beginning. A little confusing, particularly the first sentence. Its phrasing sounds a bit colloquial, which isn't a bad thing if that's setting up the tone of the piece.
For an opening, though, I think you're introducing too many characters.
Khadim Ogon Erzuli Zoss Yekin
That's a lot to keep track of when only one of them, the old coach, has any type of defining characteristic. You also switch the camera lens from Khadim to Yekin, who suddenly becomes the focus of the prose. Like, I think I get it. Khadim is watching Yekin rise. But Khadim's inner monologue completely disappears for Yekin as if the story now belongs to the latter over the former.
There are some good points here. The idea of Khadim trying to get a god to notice him, but the two gods he's seen were drunk. You've given Khadim a motivation, to feed his family. That's a bit cliche, especially in comparison to the bit about the gods, but at least it gives readers something to root for for now. And it looks like you're setting up a nice action scene in which your main character can lose, which creates tension in the story early on. So we know the stakes, and we know what he has to lose and how he can lose it, as well as what he has to win and how he can win it.
From the way you describe this opening, I take it this is about all you've written so far. So far, so good. Keep writing!
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The distance in the first lines, in the hook, seem incongruous with the rest of the prose. The odd part (for me) is that it feels like the opening lines should be revealed in dialogue, while the rest could be better shown in exposition instead of hinted at in dialogue. That's just my aesthetic, not some rule, so ignore it if you'd like.
I'm guessing this is some kind of exhibition fighting Khadim is training for, but if so, why hasn't he seen more gods? Don't they come to watch the matches? If they're gods, isn't even the god with the penchant for pink still awesome? Are they just going to disparage Erzuli or is that god worse than no god at all?
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posted
I don't understand the appeal of Gods personally, and I can't help wondering why they can't just be really powerful people. I agree with Denevius that too many characters were introduced.
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posted
Clearly you posted more originally than I can now read, so I can't attest to any critiques regarding the introduction of Yekin.
However, I will say that I disagree about too many characters being introduced, at least in the section I can see. If it were confusing to follow, then it would be too many. But I am having no trouble understanding anything thus far. Khadim is the main guy, Zoss is his coach, and the two other names mentioned, Ogon and Erzuli, are two people who could possible "claim" Khadim for his skills (I naturally assume that these are two of the gods that Khadim mentioned, but I could be wrong). I don't know anything about those two yet, but that's okay. To me, it feels natural for characters in a fantasy setting to be talking about people/places/things I myself don't know about yet, and that's good, so long as I'm not left scratching my head confusedly. Your inclusion of those two gods makes me feel more included in their world. I think it is a good choice.
One suggestion I would make is to give Zoss's name sooner. As so: "Again," Zoss said. (And perhaps move the water-pouring here as well, so that we still get the info that Zoss is Khadim's coach.) Otherwise, the reader is given a full line of dialogue before learning who is speaking. This isn't a HUGE problem, but I do think it is best to introduce new characters as soon as they start speaking, so the words don't just hang in a blank space in the readers' minds, without any context.
I really loved your second line. God/gods vary greatly throughout fiction, and in a story where gods will be a presence, it is always a big question as to How, and What these gods will be like. Your second line, "In his entire life, he had only seen two, and they were both drunk," almost startles me because it is different from my expectations, but is therefore amusing (perhaps only I responded that way, but nevertheless). So it was a nice mix of giving me some idea of what kind of gods I can expect this story to deal with, while also making me crack a smile.
All in all, I like your writing and think that this story is full of promise. I would be very interested in reading the finished piece.
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posted
A wrestler practices wrestling. Middle strong scene devlopment, contains a few scene essentials, more than average. A few more setting essentials would solidify this start.
On the other hand, the superlative and intensive degree of several adverbs creates an empty emotional attitude: ever, entire, only, both, had to be. Emotional attitude is a best practice natural and necessary or probable, not forced and empty.
A motif of substance, the gods, demands mythology development. The gods are introduced through lecture as able to speak to mortals and drunks. They could as easily be Great White Hunters circa colonial era African exploration as fantastical beings. A cue of the gods' basic fantastical nature is warranted before moving into the scene, or the gods introduced in scene and their mythology developed through the scene.
So Khadim is a little reluctant to join a god's wrestler stable, yet wants to to some degree. He's in his own way a problem in opposition to the want. Dramatic complication adequately introduced, though what that bridge complication leads to is unclear. He wants to feed his family, no sign yet of how joining a god's stable is a problem wanting satisfaction. Maybe later, once he's joined the stable.
If Khadim is intended to become a god or upset the gods' status quo, and thus feed his family, a hint of Khadim's attitude toward being a subservient person is warranted. Perhaps that could come through Khadim's attitude toward Zoss as a god lackey, why Khadim halfheartedly wrestles. What might he rather do?
I understand Ogon and Erzuli are gods, perhaps the two drunk gods Khadim saw before. What makes them gods to these mortals?
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