The music creates a sense of tension but I find the incessant repetition of the same short measure puts me off. If possible, start with something more tranquil to match the copy "The human race has enjoyed centuries of peace" and either build to, or make the abrupt transition to, the tension raising theme following "Until now". Ideally, this should also vary, even if just in slowly increasing volume.
The copy didn't grab me. First, as mentioned, the name "Serenity" is too jarring because of its sf fandom association with the Joss Whedon film and television spaceship of the same name. This may be lessened if you at least provide her full name (e.g. "Captain Serentiy Jones" or whatever it is).
Second, if "War is unthinkable", why is there a "Martian warship" and why is there an "Earth Navy"? Either war is "unthinkable" because of the equivalent of USSR-USA Cold War Mutually-Assured-Destruction or, after "centuries of peace", war is simply no longer part of the human moral consideration (excluding the "terrorists"). This is unclear to me.
Is "Captain Serenity" part of the Earth Navy and why would she be the target of assasination (by terrorists?). Need a little more to go on here.
Why is a Martian warship a "clue"? Are Martians not permitted, or have professed not to have, warships? Or did something happen to it that may incite war?
The "Discovery", "Friendship", "Betrayal", "Love" tags are simply generic words floating in space without specific reference to the story. I need to know how they are relevent.
The humans have enjoyed centuries of peace. War has become unthinkable. Until now. Terrorists have attacked the Earth Navy (Who are they? what are their goals? Are they asteroid miners seeking independence? Religious fanatics? Anarchists? Luddites?) Captain Serenity _____ is the target of assasination (Why? Is she a hero who put down some prior insurrection? Or is she the leader of a faction opposed to or a threat to the terrorists' goals? Or is it personal?) The only clue is a Martian warship (Is it a "secret" Martian warship? Stolen? Abandoned? Target of a prior terrorist attack?) She must get answers before the sparks of war ignite (Don't like "sparks of war". Also, if she is seeking "answers", can you include a "question", directly or indirectly, as part of your copy?) Discovery... You've shared a little of the external conflict. Here is where you should share about the Captain's personal conflict/stake and make the viewer care enough to buy the book. e.g. Serenity's lover/brother/father is one of the terrorists; or one of the terrorists have infiltrated her crew and she must discover him (or her).
As always...just my two shekels. Opinions will vary. Choose those most helpful to you, and congratulations on publishing the novel.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Posts: 1475 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
I agree with Dr. Bob so I won't repeat what he's already said so well.
Let me start with how impressed I am that you've got your own trailer going. That's awesome.
Honestly, what I was missing, was character. As far as the Captain, I wondered why she was so important that her assassination was significant. For me, an interesting character will make me want to read a story faster than any fancy plot. I'd love to see why this character is important and what challenges she's going to face. You mention friendship, betrayal, love, but there's no one to care about to give those points power.
I agree about using Serenity. It'll feel like you're trying to tie to Whedon's work. Or at least it will be distracting.
And I can't say I love the title. Sorry, but it makes it feel like a big political sf book. If that's what it is, great. But it's not the kind of book I usually pick up. The title is rather passive which doesn't seem right if they're on the brink of war. I think it comes from the word - Dissolution. I'd recommend something stronger.
posted
The book trailer took a lot of work. I stayed up to 5am the morning it came out getting it just right. Timing things with the music is the hardest part.
Not to much I can do with the title now. But the books centers around the slow dissolving of peace, rather than the sudden outbreak of all out war. As I hinted at above, the original title was Serenity, but that was before there was a movie.
I've done my best not to be tied into Firefly in anyway. But Captain Christina Serenity is too strong a presence in the story to change. My editor seems to agree her name shouldn't change. I was hesitant to use any names in the trailer for just that reason.
The back cover blurb is almost completed and I will be adding that to the video description soon.
All the comments are welcome. Don't know how much I can/will change at this point. But is great advice as I move forward with a lot of other projects.
Posts: 725 | Registered: Jan 2011
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quote:Originally posted by History: Is this a self-pub, indie pub, or traditional pub since you mention an "editor" but you created the promotional video?
When and where will it be released? And, again, congratulations.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
I can't answer the top question for EVOC.
However, in this day and age, even with traditional publication, it's not at all unusual for the author to supply the book trailer if there's going to be one. Sad, but true.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
This is a self pub. I hired an editor to ensure I wasn't just another writer throwing crap out there. I wanted to make sure that this story was the best I could possible put together at this time. Don't know if I succeeded, but it feels ready to be read by the world
It will be released October 16th on Amazon.com. It will be it Paperback and Kindle.
Posts: 725 | Registered: Jan 2011
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