posted
Does this sentence look and read correct to you?:
<<Movement caught Julie’s interest seconds before four butus burst from the brush to half-run/half-fly up the steep rise bordering the overhang.>>
I'm mainly concerned with the "half-run/half-fly" section. I wasn't sure how to do this and wonder if how I have it is okay... or if there's a better way to do it.
quote:Movement caught Julie’s interest seconds before four butus burst from the brush to half-run/half-fly up the steep rise bordering the overhang.
This is a mouthful. I think I'd recommend breaking it up. The half/half thing is a problem but you also have 'before/four' which is awkward. And reading it without setting, the end placement of things is hard to picture.
It'd be a lot more words, but I'd recommend something like this:
A rustle in the bushes caught Julie's attention. She froze. Rabbit, or monster? Julie sniffed the air. Suddenly four ugly butus burst out of the brush in a mad escape, leaping such long distances she thought they might take flight. In seconds they disappeared over the steep rise that bordered the overhang.
Of course, I don't know if any of that fits your story, and some of it is less than necessary. But after working it out, I think the single sentence is trying to accomplish too much.
Hope this helps. Thanks for letting me borrow your words.
posted
Thanks Genevive, and I think you're right. I'm adding a few lines before the one that bothered me, and took your suggestion in breaking it down. See how this sounds:
**************************************************************** A wide ravine led the riders to a small pond at the base of a stone overhang. Water dribbled over the top enough to call it a waterfall. Movement caught Julie’s interest seconds before a pair of butus burst from the brush. Flightless wings flapped in effort to help them run up the steep rise bordering the overhang. ****************************************************************
quote:A wide ravine led the riders to a small pond at the base of a stone overhang. Water dribbled over the top enough to call it a waterfall. Movement caught Julie’s interest seconds before a pair of butus burst from the brush. Flightless wings flapped in effort to help them run up the steep rise bordering the overhang.
Better.
I think you can enhance the description of the waterfall so it doesn't sound so static. And something still bothers me about the 'seconds before'. It feels like a pov or a cause/effect violation. Saying 'seconds before' indicates knowledge of what's about to happen. In that sense, I'm not a technician so someone else might be able to say it better, but it just throws me. And consider adding an adjective before 'effort', like 'futile effort' or 'prehistoric effort'. It might enhance the visual for what's happening.
quote:A wide ravine led the riders to a small pond at the base of a stone overhang. Water dribbled over the top enough to call it a waterfall. Movement caught Julie’s interest seconds before a pair of butus burst from the brush. Flightless wings flapped in effort to help them run up the steep rise bordering the overhang.
The second sentence, where you mention the waterfall, sounds a little akward. I'd change it by adding a comma and a single word:
"Water dribbled over the top, just enough to call it a waterfall."
To me, this just flows better. Also, the next sentence needs to be broken down as well. How about this?
"A shudder of movement in the brush caught Julie's eye. The grass was dancing, but not to the wind. There was no wind. That was when they charged her. Two butus burst from the grass."
I think in this case, more build up is necessary, at least for the moment. Everything else looks good to me.
[This message has been edited by jcavonpark (edited May 18, 2011).]
posted
One note - "butus" is hard to parse as a plural in English (very few English words are structured to end in a -u), and looks more like a singular (latin-derived) word. If "butu" singular has already been emntioned, les of a problem, but introducing the plural first off may cause stumbling in the reader. "Bootoo" may work better in this case?
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I have less of a problem with "half-run/half-fly" than I do with "before four butus burst from the bush." Say that five times fast.
Although I think you can find a better verb that encompasses half-run/half-fly. I see the idiot quail do it in front of my car all the time. (Although they do it in circles which helps nobody.)
posted
Putting on my professional editor hat to answer the slash-as-punctuation question: I would write "half run, half fly" (note also the absence of hyphens; consider "he half expected....").
That said, I think it's mostly a matter of preference than solid rule.
posted
Thank you, everyone for your input. Now I have a good idea what's wrong with this part of my short story and can go about fixing it.
Just letting you know that "an" should've been before "effort". It got left out when I typed that up .
Also, the butus are just a means to an end. I had to find a way to get Julie and Toka away from Degan (They are the riders) so Julie could talk to him alone. Butu eggs are a favorite breakfast food. A domesticated version of the butu is raised by the locals for meat and eggs somewhat similar to our Earthly chickens. So I didn't want to go into a whole lot of detail about them since they have nothing to do with the rest of my story .
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