You can keep the style (and it's a cool style) without being confusing -- just clarify some points:>Those glittering rainbow shoelaces caught my attention from the morgue,
"caught my attention from the morgue": I can't parse this.
>those tan buttons drew me up from the heaviest sleep I’d ever known.
At this point I wonder why the undertaker or dead-body-slotter or whatever is asleep on the job, and if he's asleep, how does he know that the buttons are tan?
>And the most unusual ring -all black, bottom-of-the-well style
the most unusual -> a most unusual
- -> --
>but surrounded with neon-blue waves- flowed up and down with the movement of his awkward fingers. A certificate rested beneath a
Whose fingers? The dead guy's?
>blue ballpoint, which scrawled the doctor’s mark with the >finality of a guillotine. With tremendous effort, I opened my >eyes and read the name, my name: Chris Hubar. The death
Oh, it's the *corpse* that's telling the story! I think. This was my biggest confusion. I'm still not sure who's wearing the weird-looking shoes.
>certificate belonged to me, scheduled for the Hooper and Weaver Funeral Home that day.
>An urgent, deadpan voice shook my spirit. It echoed through my
What does a voice sound like when it's urgent and deadpan? I don't know.
>emptiness like a sonar whirlwind.
What does a sonar whirlwind echo like?
>Find the morgue. Find your body.
But we're already *in* the morgue, with the body -- aren't we?