"Crush the snake's head before it bites." This law, the First Law, was the first that Winter broke. And because of her mistakes, the snake took its chance, brewed a venom that tasted like honey to the men. Men that had once been WINTER'S.

Chance had been so kind to her on that day. That is why she and the snake--who now in mockery called herself SUMMER--now stood opposite each other in the field of battle,smoke in their eyes and the taint of blood in their nostrils. Winter's neck tensed. The clamour of weaponry and screams faded. Not merely because her hungry gaze was eating only at Summer, but because every single man, friend or foe, of the hundred thousand that stood upon the grass that day, had dropped his weapon. They all turned to watch the two women and the duel that would shake the stars from the sky.

The third sentence is grammatically dubious. While you can remove the central clause and arguably still have a sentence that makes sense, an "and" before "brewed" would probably be preferable.

I get no sense of who or what winter is, here, and no real indication of who the good guy/bad guy is (if either) - the "Men that had once been Winter's" line kind of implies (if it's in Winter's POV, and that is also questionable) that she has an enormous arrogance (but hey, maybe she's a goddess).

I didn't get the "chance had been so kind to her on that day" line.

"Taint of blood" didn't work for me. And don't change it for the obvious "scent" - blood doesn't really smell of anything.

And I don't buy the fact that every one of a hundred thousand people just drops their weapons and turns to look at the big duel. Why were they fighting in the first place, if this duel is going to happen?

I'm trying to give it a rather mythical feel, not aiming for realism here.I guess I should emphasize that both these women are godddesses, in a sense. Both of them are extremely arrogant, and hate each other's guts. Oh, and I capitalized those names for lack of an italics option. I've noticed they're rather distracting, methinks I'll get rid of them.

Good point about the dropping-weapons part. Winter didn't expect to get this chance, because Summer is so well-guarded.

Most of that was thinking aloud.^^ I know I need to change alot of things.

[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 01, 2007).]

I saw quotes in the first sentence and thought someone was speaking. Since no one is speaking, you might consider italicizing that instead of using quotation marks.

Not a big deal by itself, but then as I adapted my thoughts to that, I read that Winter broke the law -- and I wasn't sure whether Winter was a person, a mythological character that represented Winter, or the actual season Winter. Then I see a snake brewing venom, and I can't be sure whether this is really a snake or whether "snake" is metaphorical.

I think I would like it more if I understood who was who earlier. I would even be able to believe that all of the men stopped fighting if I already knew that these were goddesses who were just that incredible to watch.

I didn't understand the bit about chance.

If this were published somewhere, I might turn the page because you do achieve a certain sense that this is mythological, and I like that kind of story. If I were trying to get through slush I'd probably put it down.

Try to clarify who the players are, without losing the mythological feel, and see what you get.

_Crush the snake's head before it bites._ This law, the First Law,was the first that Winter broke. Even a daughter of the Eldest King could make mistakes. The difference between her and mere men was that she couldn't afford to, for the snake had mastered the First Law. But they were also sisters, and thus was the reason that Winter had hesitated. And thus was the reason that the snake called Summer had acted so boldy, had brewed a poison that tasted like honey to the men--men that had once been _Winter's_.

But Fate had decided to give her another chance. That was why, in a smoky field brimming with corpses and throbbing with the scent of burnt _ether_, Winter and her sister now stood face to face, naked swords in hand. The survivors of the battle, weary

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I'm still a little confused. Is the sister literally a snake? How has the snake mastered the First Law -- did the snake crush a snake's head? I don't follow. Is the snake called Summer the same snake, or another? How did Winter own the men -- as slaves, or did she "own" them as suitors? Is this literal poison, or is it metaphor?

The second paragraph sounds almost like the climax of the story and not its beginning. After all, they fight, someone wins, someone loses and then the story is over.

While you don't have to answer all of the questions in the first 13 during those few lines, what you say in those lines has to be clear. I'm still confused.

Unanswered questions that would make me stop reading:

1)Is the snake a snake or another person? The story says Winter and the snake are sisters but the sister is constantly referred to as a snake. I need to be clear on what the "snake" really is.

2)How did the snake master the First Law, which is to crush its head before it bites?

3) Is Summer the sister snake? I assume so, but again, I don't want to be guessing.

4)"Thus was the reason . . ." What reason? Did the snake bite Winter when she hesitated? How does Winter not killing it, lead to the rest?

5) "brewed?" Hu? Snakes make venom - the idea of a snake "brewing poison" is odd to me.

6) Men that had once been Winter's. Hu? How? What men?

7)I assume Fate is "fate" personified. I could live with this though.

8)How did we get on a battle field?

9) Can a scent throb?

10) They are godesses? Um, I'd like to know this before now.

11) still don't buy that the battle stops.

I'll assume that the swords are out of thier scabards and they are in fighting stance given the battlefield the characters are on.

Depending on who is telling the story i.e. your POV, the last sentance could be a POV violation. For example if Winter is the POV, she's not going to notice the troops standing around and watching. All her focus will be on Summer.

Slow the story down for clarity and establish a clear POV.

_Crush the snake's head before it bites._ This was the First Law, and it was also the first that I broke. Even a daughter of the Eldest King could make mistakes. Only I, unlike mere men, could not afford to. For my snake was also my sister, and not only had she learned the First Law by rote as I had, but also knew _me_. My every hate, my every love. Every flaw within me that should have been concealed from the world.
It was through her knowledge of my mind that she had managed to steal the hearts and minds of the men--men that belonged to _me_. We were of the same mother and father, and that was a sacred kinship that I always held above The Laws. But I had learned how to play my sister's game since then. That was why I stood before her now, a naked sword in my hand.

[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 02, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 02, 2007).]

My version of the answer: Yes and no.

Yes, if you raise the points I listed in my last post their meaning within the first 13 lines MUST be clear. Also anything out of the norm i.e. that they are godesses should be at least hinted at in the first 13 or as soon as that topic natually comes up.

So, as an example, when Winter says she is the daughter of the Eldest, tell me who the "Eldest: is. I assume he was a mortal king but apparently he's not. Even with your latest revision I still don't know if Summer is really a sentient snake or a person. What Summer is must be explained in the first 13 the way you have it written.

No, you don't have to spell out everything in the story. I don't even think you need to get to the battlefeild to have a hook. I like your writing. So if I understand what is happening, then I would probably turn a page or two to see what this is all about.

That's what I mean by slowing down and I think Slartibartfast's comment on "Too much going on" is telling you. Tell me about Winter and her mistake. Make me understand why she spared Summer. Let me sympathize with Winter and why the world has fallen apart because of her inaction. Then I'm ready for some good "girl on girl" fighting! Right now you have two sisters trying to kill each other (okay, I find that plausible. I have a sister after all and she drives me crazy!) and I don't know (until this most recent version) who I am supposed to want to win. Slow down because the back history you spend three lines or so on in the first paragraph is critical to the rest of the story.

On the most recent version, why did you switch to first person?

While in some ways this version is better you still gloss over important points. It seems a bit clearer that "snake" is an analogy but spell it out or cut the quote.

As an example that probably doesn't work with your story:

"Strike when the iron is hot", Lord Eldest, who created this world told his oldest daughter, Winter. "It is the law of the people. Do you understand?"
Winter shook her head too young to understand what her father meant.
"It means take advantage of opportunities when the arise. A blacksmith can't bend an iron bar into a horse shoe when the iron is cool. Only when the iron is hot and ready can he fashion it to his will."

Now I, the reader, understand he's talking about opportunity. While I assume "Crush the snakes head before it bites" is a warning against betrayal or more accurately against leaving dangerous opponents alive to later challange you. The metaphor needs to be clear. You are writing a novel, you have time to flesh all of this out. SLOW DOWN.

The first thirteen should ideally address one item. What that item is, of course, is wide open but you have too much going on.

Address the First Law in enough detail so that someone who is looking at the story for the first time understands everything she needs to know about the First Law at that moment. If there are other parts of the First Law that become important later, you can address them at the proper time.

Then you can address how Summer became Winter's "snake" and what Summer did.

Also, think about if you are starting in the right place. How many novels do you know where the opening scene is a battle? I can't think of one but I suspect there are not many. Why? Because there is too much backhistory to fill in before the opening scene works. I suspect there is a better opening somewhere before the betrayal or shortly after it and before open war. It seems to me that the battle should not be a prologue item.

[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 07, 2007).]

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