posted
On the Northern Frontier, the land of the Gauls, Marcus Julius strode forward towards a captured man. Marcus hoped that the appearance of a Roman Centurion would cause the barbarian to break, but His hopes where not high. Not even His trained extracter had succeeded, and the creature had seen too much to be left alive. just before He gave the order, Marcus noticed that the Gaul had not dyed His hair, as the rest of them did, and that He was dressed in dark brown leggings. could this be a potential ally for Rome?
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited February 15, 2007).]
posted
Pretty abstract. That is, I'd care a lot more about an individual, say, Marcellus son of Gaius, who's about to be assassinated by a rival house, than about groups like the Senate or the People.
I also have lost some trust in the narrator. "The very families that serve them": the powerful families serve the people? More likely that the people serve the powerful families. Such ambition can only lead to civil war: it could lead to several other things, too.
I think zooming in on a character will fix much of this.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 14, 2007).]
posted
Great description, put it in later. Am I reading a history book or a novel?
Give me a character I can care about. Whether its a good guy or a bad guy, I need someone that I can feel emotion for, one way or another.
Such ambition can only lead to one place: Civil War. Huh? Maybe such ambition will only lead to a democratic majority in the house and senate. Or the ambition may lead to a toga party. Give me a main character who believes that such ambition can only lead to civil war, then I might buy it. A main character can have opinions, the narrator should not.
posted
By editing your first post (not just a little fix, but a complete rewrite), you make the follow-up posts seem totally off-the-wall. (Also, it doesn't update the thread, so people who have already read the thread down to where it was when you did your edit will simply note: "No new posts" and go on, without realizing that you made a change.)
That said, the approach here is far superior to what you originally had (which sounded like a first attempt at a cover blurb, rather than the actual start of a novel). However, the execution still needs improvement.
Some things are mechanical: always capitalizing "his" or "he", for example. At first (because it was consistent) I thought it meant that Marcus Julius had the status of a god--but then you kept on doing it in reference to the captive. Another thing: make sure you remember to capitalize the start of all sentences.
Watch out for excess wordage, as in: "Marcus Julius strode forward towards a captured man." If he strode backward, it would be worth pointing out, but "forward" can be dropped. Also, we'll assume the captive is a man (especially given the time period) unless you tell us otherwise.
The whole thing with hoping to break the captive doesn't really make sense. You give good reasons for not expecting him to break, so hoping that he will, under the circumstances, seems pointless. Especially since the captive is hardly even given a chance; you abruptly jump to giving the order for execution. The scene as presented is almost funny: Marcus Julius striding toward the captive with a glower on his face, thinking: Maybe this'll break him. Okay, I'm halfway there, and he still hasn't broken. Three-quarters of the way . . . seven-eighths. Rats, he's still on his feet. "Okay, kill him." You should at least have Julius say something like, "This is your last chance, barbarian."
What color did the Gauls usually dye their hair, and what color are their usual leggings? And why did it take so long for Julius to notice? I mean, the guy's been around for long enough to be processed by the extractor. If the hair color is distinctive, it should have been noticed long since, and if it's not all that striking, what makes Julius notice it now?
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 15, 2007).]
posted
This is just me, but I'm not seeing anything to indicate this is speculative fiction. You probably will get to that later, but when I go to the scifi and fantasy section, I like to have some indication early on (even just a hint) that what I've picked up will fall into that genre.
posted
I'd like for Marcus to be struggling (since story is about struggle). Admittedly we could have a "life interrupted" story, and the life hasn't been interrupted yet. But I suspect it has: Marcus already has a problem, which the Gaul could help with. What is it?
Nit: wouldn't the torturer have already reported, "This Gaul is a dissident, and told me everything I asked," if Marcus's speculation is right?
posted
too true. maybe I should start with a different setting, like the order to go to the Frontier, and with rumors of another faction coming in. Gauls generally dye their hair red, and have green leggings. their only source of clothes.
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