posted
Here are the first thirteen lines of a high fantasy quintet. Critiques would be much appreciated on the beginning. Working title for series = Elements of Power. This first novel is not presenting an easy title so now has to suffer a nameless existence. (hah!)
“In your future endeavors,” Danwen tightened his grip around the human’s neck, “recall no one enjoys being awoken at dawn by a bucket of frigid water in their face.” Ali, still face down in the thick mud, choked out an apology. The elf glanced upwards towards the three young girls sitting on the ditch bank. “Thank you, Miss Ruby, for warning me of your cousin’s attack,” Danwen shook a few strands of dark, dripping hair from his eyes, “although your laughter was slightly too late to do me much good.” He winked at the youngest, who giggled. “Traitors.” Ali growled, spitting mud towards the girls who ran squealing towards the main house. Danwen stood upright, wringing out his ragged, mostly shoulder length hair.
posted
Now I see why it's dangerous to begin with pure dialog.
This is what I know: Danwen is not human. There is a human that threw water at Danwen, who is not a human. I assume that Ali is the aforementioned human. There is an elf. It might be Danwen, but I'm not sure. Miss Ruby is the cousin of the water-thrower. Danwen is REALLY mad about the water. Not sure why he/she/it is so mad.
This is what I'd like to know: Who is the MC? Who's POV are we in? Is Danwen also the elf? I think so, but let me be sure. What is the setting? I know there is a ditch bank, but that's all. Your description says high fantasy, but I need more. Why is Danwen so mad? Be clear with who is who.
Beyond that: I like to see fragments here properly formatted. Put everything in a format like you would see in a book. It helps keep things readable and understandable.
This is probably a nit, but I see that you are a new member and that is your first post. That tells me that you didn't post in the "Next Please Introduce Yourself" forum, and that you might not have read through the "Please Read Here First" post. A lot of people come here, ask for critiques, but never do anything else to contribute to the forum as a whole. Because of this I was reluctant to critique your story. I hope you're here to stay and contribute.
posted
I found the "glanced upwards towards" a little tricky. I am a visual person, I process everything visually. These words look too similar to be next to each other without my brain requiring a double-take. This might be one of those things that is just part of my unique charm.
I also was a bit confused about who was doing the looking upwards, because the previous sentence deals with the guy face down in the mud. I expected it to be *him* who is looking up, but I don't think that's the case.
I liked the playful tone. That would definitely hook me.
posted
Some mechanics notes that will help a lot: * The object of "tighten" can be "grip," but it can't be "In your future endeavors." Danwen can *say* that, but he can't *tighten* it. "In your future endeavors" should either not be part of the "tighten" sentence, or it should be there linked in somehow. Same thing goes for Danwen shaking "Thank you, Miss Ruby."
When you switch agent or speaker, you need a new paragraph.
Not mechanics notes:
The elf glanced. Who's the elf? I had to read further and think about it to figure out it must be Danwen.
Tell us up front where we are.
Who's the POV character? Let us know.
These problems made me not get on the first reading that this was humor. Once fixed, I think it will work.
-- Ali knew he might deserve it [POV established!], but he still would have liked to put Danwen's smug elf face down in this riverbank mud. [So we get that Danwen's an elf, and that they're at the river. BTW, I'm not sure if it should be "didn't have" or "hadn't had." ??]
“In your future endeavors,” Danwen said, tightening his grip around Ali's neck...
posted
It took a couple of times through to realize that Danwen was holding Ali face-down in the mud. I'm having a difficult time with THREE things, at this point:
I can't picture the elf choking the back of Ali's neck.
I also have a difficult time visualizing him growling/talking threateningly to the back of his head.
Wouldn't Ali have drowned by the time he called the kids traitors?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 08, 2007).]
posted
Thank you all for reading and replying! I've shuffled around the book’s first few paragraphs so it’s clear why Danwen has attacked and to set up the POV.
Danwen tightened his arm around the human’s neck. Revenge was indefinitely more satisfactory than he had anticipated.
“Isn’t this retaliation a little fierce for such a harmless prank?” Ali cried, struggling to keep his head above the filthy water in the drought stricken ditch as the elf pushed him further into the mud.
“No one enjoys being awoken at dawn by a bucket of frigid water in their face.” Danwen said, smiling grimly. “Furthermore, as you have also stolen my boots, poured salt in my canteen and burnt off most of my hair in the past five days I consider a little mud quite generous.” Tossing a few strands of dark, dripping hair from his eyes the elf used his free hand to push Ali’s face into the muck.
posted
Yes, this one reads much better, however, you've misused a word in your first line.
quote:Revenge was indefinitely more satisfactory than he had anticipated.
I think you meant, "definitely."
quote:“Isn’t this retaliation a little fierce for such a harmless prank?”
How about, "harsh," instead.
quote:“No one enjoys being awoken at dawn by a bucket of frigid water in their face.” Danwen said, smiling grimly. “Furthermore, as you have also stolen my boots, poured salt in my canteen and burnt off most of my hair in the past five days, I consider a little mud quite generous.”
This seems kinda wordy for dialogue from a ticked off character intent on humiliating an underling for some noisesome pranks..
quote:No more fierce than a bucket of ice water to greet my morning with, eh lad? What about the theft of my boots, or salt in my canteen, or the little fires you set in my hair? I think a little mud suits me just fine!"
The only other problem I had is that you mention Danwen had his, "arm," tightening around Ali's neck. This makes me picture a headlock. Wouldn't this be a difficult position for him to force the boy's head down into the mud?
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 10, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 10, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 10, 2007).]
posted
I find most of mommiller's post accurate. The only point I disagree on is this:
quote: The only other problem I had is that you mention Danwen had his, "arm," tightening around Ali's neck. This makes me picture a headlock. Wouldn't this be a difficult position for him to force the boy's head down into the mud?
I've held someone down in a headlock similar to this. It is entirely possible--and more believable--to have his arm around his neck. He could either be on his back, or sitting beside him, and it would work. I would believe this position more than the original.
However, it would take more than a wrestling match to keep me reading. I want some plot-conflict making itself apparent: a reason to care.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 10, 2007).]
posted
I love the tone of this and the re-write is much clearer. Since this is a novel, that's enough to keep me reading for another page. I agree with mommiller's comments and only can add:
quote:...filthy water in the drought stricken ditch as the elf pushed him further into the mud
I'm confused...how can a drought-stricken ditch contain mud let alone water? If you drop "drought stricken", then the sentence makes more sense, but perhaps I'm missing something? I'm not sure if the ditch is 1) completely dry or 2) mildly muddy or 3) very muddy with filthly water at the bottom right below the kid being held down or 4) some other option.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 10, 2007).]
posted
I think this is much improved. I would like a little more rearrangement:
quote:Danwen tightened his arm around the human’s neck, PUSHED HIS FACE INTO THE MUD OF THE DITCH, AND REFLECTED: revenge was indefinitely more satisfactory than he had anticipated.
“Isn’t this retaliation a little fierce for such a harmless prank?” Ali cried, struggling to keep his head above the filthy water.
“No one enjoys being awoken at dawn by a bucket of frigid water in their face.” [FUNNY!] Danwen said, smiling grimly. “Furthermore, as you have also stolen my boots, poured salt in my canteen and burnt off most of my hair in the past five days[,] I consider a little mud quite generous.”
I think it could be funnier. This might help: more attitude; and let Danwen's attitude be a little overblown. His words could be either more plain and easy (not "revenge was satisfactory" but "this was fun!"); or they could be *more* formal, and do overstatement or understatement (replacing "No one enjoys..." with "Few persons enjoy..."). It sounds like you're going for Jack Vance-style formality, something like:
quote:"What kind of a fool do you take me for?" Gronk said angrily.
The grandee looked him over, and said, "The question, although interesting, is not strictly germane. Shall we return to business?"
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 11, 2007).]
posted
Too much pov Jumping. If it was more streamlined, it would read better, though I get a bit of melodrama feel, and I'm not sure that was your intent.
Watch your use of 'he said' and such. Your speech is coming off slightly stilted. Over all though, pretty good. I might keep reading, at least to the bottom of the page. But there really isn't any danger.
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