Pebble stood at the mouth of the cave and gazed up at the night sky. Dragon’s Breath crackled in vivid sheets of color over the silent heavens. Stars glittered through that tapestry of light, incandescent Dragon tears frozen at the dawn of creation. The Dragon’s Eye was half closed, a silver crescent suspended over the horizon.
Pebble drew her mumak hide blanket tighter around herself, huddling in its tattered warmth. Ice crystals formed at the corners of her eyes where they watered from squinting against the blinding white of the snow that blanketed the mountainsides. She knew she should return to the caves where the rest of the kin-band slept, snug and dreamless as hibernating bears. But she did not move. In this moment,

quote:

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Pebble stood at the mouth of the cave and gazed up at the night sky. Dragon’s Breath crackled in vivid sheets of color over the silent heavens.[You are not taloing about "real" dragon's breath, and I am confused as to what you are really trying to describe.] Stars glittered through that tapestry of light, incandescent Dragon tears frozen at the dawn of creation. The Dragon’s Eye was half closed, a silver crescent suspended over the horizon.[This is the long way of telling us it is night.]
Pebble drew her mumak hide blanket tighter [around herself<--unnecessary], huddling in its tattered warmth. Ice crystals formed at the corners of her eyes where they watered from squinting against the blinding white of the snow that blanketed the mountainsides.[<--Long sentence just to tell us her eyes are watering, don't you think? Snow isn't "blinding white" at night.] She knew she should return to the caves where the rest of the kin-band slept[, snug and dreamless as hibernating bears<--Unneeded. By now you have a lot of description, but no hook; no reason to read on.] But she did not move. In [this<--violates tense] moment, standing here alone under the [vast empty sky<--How can it be emtpy and full of stars, "dragon's breath", and Dargon's Eye (which I take to be the moon. Also, You have now mentioned more about the sky than Pebble or the plot.], she could almost imagine she was free. The cold burned away the pain[What pain?; she could hardly feel the bruises[What bruises?], the sting of her swollen lip[What swollen lip?] where Krycha’s fist[Who's Krycha?] had split it open.

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Because the descriptions themselves are meaningless to this
twenty-first century American (and other) audience?

The “Dragon’s Breaths I get as being aurorae. She loses me at
the point of Dragon tears – I have no idea what they are.
Meteors, but those wouldn’t be frozen. And once she loses me,
I’m gone for good it seems because the descriptions that rouse no
images for me keep coming.

What is a dragon’s eye and this half closed over the horizon? A
moon? But I am piling up the questions and that shouldn’t be
when the very point of all this is to build images in my mind.
Isn’t it?

Also, the ice crystals was too round about way for me, too. And,
telling me what she should do but doesn’t isn’t working. It
rarely does. I prefer, usually, to read what she did do.

You could tell me that the rest of her kin slept snug and
dreamless as hibernating bears – yeah, that gives me an image.
Now, why isn’t she? Show me that. Maybe like – she couldn’t
sleep and came out to let the cold out here burn away the pain.

Use contrast? Or comparison to show why? Actually…you could
hint about this pain in the description of the sky/setting in
that first paragraph. Use the description instead as a metaphor
or something to make all this work tighter.

The Dragon’s Eye, the larger moon, hung half-closed at the edge
of the horizon. A few streaks of white, flashes against the
midnight sky (meteor shower?), fell to ground. The goddess
there weeping silver tears for all her hurt and bruised children.

Some nice ideas here. But you need to look at how to make them clearer and more effective.

Why?

It's a struggle to read as it currently stands. The images could be nice but I'm spending too much time wondering what they really are supposed to be.

My take:

quote:

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Pebble <-- Pebble? Pebble? Does she have a bone in her hair? It took me a while to figure out it was a name and not a literaty reference stood at the mouth of the cave and gazed up at the night sky. Dragon’s Breath Lightening? Just Lightening, which her people revered as Dragon's breath. crackled in vivid sheets of color okay maybe it's like the Great Northern Lights and not lightening over the silent <-- Silent? No. Something just crackled. How can it be silent? heavens. Stars glittered through that tapestry of light, incandescent Dragon tears this refers to the light not the stars. What are Dragon Tears? frozen Aren't stars really really HOT not cold? at the dawn of creation. The Dragon’s Eye was half closed, a silver crescent suspended over the horizon. I assumed this was the moon, but I'm exhausted now. Don't try so hard to describe the entire world. For now, tell me about one of these features not all of them

Pebble drew her mumak <-- this word is meaningless to me. Who is your POV? She wouldn't think of it this way hide blanket tighter around herself <-- around herself is unnecessary , huddling in its tattered warmth. Ice crystals formed at the corners of her eyes I have a plausibility problem with this where they watered from squinting against the blinding white of the snow snow is blinding when the sun shines on it not at night. If illumination works different on this world THAT I need to know now that blanketed <-- too close to blanket the mountainsides.

She knew <- - unnecessary she should return to the caves where the rest of the kin-band NICE!!! slept, snug and dreamless as hibernating bears oops - too cliche for me but at least you didn't say bugs. But she did not move. In this moment, standing here alone under the vast empty sky, she could almost imagine she was free.

The cold burned away the pain; she could hardly feel the bruises, the sting of her swollen lip where Krycha’s fist had split it open. [b] Ohh, something happened even if it was in the past. Too late to hook me.

---

I think IB hit it on the head, you are probably starting in the wrong place. Generally speaking its one of those breakable/inbreakable rules not to start with a flashback which it seems like you are about to launch into. Start with the beating/rape/violence or the events immediately before it that lead to it.

After 13 lines I know:

1) she has an improbable name;
2) these people are obsessed with dragons;
3) this is a low tech world;
4) she lives with her extended family as a near slave; and
5) someone with an equally improbable name harmed her in the recent past.

The problem is I don't have any reason to care about all of the above. If you started earlier I might care.

I also don't know who/what is you POV. If it's Pebble, sink into her head sooner.

NIT - On the names - it seems to me in a world where a girl is named "Pebble" would have men with names also based in nature rather than something odd sounding like "Krycha".

Edit - Dratted html codes

Take heart!

Beginning well is tricky. The feedback here proves that you have a compelling image, you've just dwelled on it a little too long for a fantasy novel--we expect high stakes, grand scales, intense quests.

Finish your novel. Then come back to this criticism and revise. You really have to do that, for any story. You have crafted this carefully, I can tell; you just will need to take equal care to perfect it in revision.

I found the setting compelling; it's not common, for sure. I'm sure you love writing this. Keep on going. Don't look back yet. Finish it, and then come look at what you can do better. Sometimes it takes a while to get into the story as a writer; if your love of how the world was going to look is what impelled you through to chapter 21, it was worth the revision you'll have to do later.