posted
Asande did not notice the first tremor of the avalanche. Ujarak had just thrown her against the rock wall of his cave and she was on the ground, hugging her aching ribs and trying to breathe through a broken nose. She heard his footsteps and braced herself for the kick that would follow. It didn't come. In the main tunnels beyond Ujarak’s private cave, voices rose in alarm and running footsteps echoed. Lying on bare rock, Asande felt the bone-deep rumble as the mountain shook around them. Paliquit, the headman’s son, rushed into the cave without even clapping his hands to announce his presence. “Hradin! Father says come quickly!” he cried, before Ujarak could acknowledge him. The boy realized his mistake at once and paled. He covered his mouth with his hand and backed away.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
This is not linear. I'm left hanging while the story takes off in a different direction.
"Ujarak had just thrown her against the rock wall..." Here I assume this was for her own protection and yet..."...braced herself for the kick that would follow." Now I have to shift gears as it seems we are dealing with a cave dwelling spouse abuser.
"In the main tunnels beyond Ujarak's private cave, voices rose in alarm and running footsteps echoed." = "...running footsteps echoed..." is awkward - just "...footsteps echoed." Also what confused me was if this was his private cave, I assume it was not connected to other tunnels/caves and how could he possibly hear voices/footsteps? If it was connected how oculd it be private?
You have at least three possible "hook" elements here (avalanche - Asande being beat - and the headman's son who apparently violates some sort of law or taboo. Pick one. While all these elements may work in the story, I think the opening would be much stronger if you picked just one of them and fleshed it out to begin with.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 01, 2008).]
posted
Like nitewriter, I assumed Asande had been thrown against the wall for her protection. Why not just start with:
"Ujarak threw Asande against the rock wall of his cave. She slid to the ground, hugging her aching ribs and trying to breathe through a broken nose."
You can then change a bit later to:
"Lying on bare rock, Asande felt the bone-deep rumble that signaled an avalanche on the mountain above them."
Aside from that, I didn't have any trouble following what was going on. (I assume this cave is one of many in a cave system. I'm visualizing that it's connected to the others, but is smaller and set off a bit so it's considered "private"--as in, one person or family's domain--even if others see/hear what's going on in the cave because there's no door.)
posted
First off, the action is packed in there, and it will be exciting to read. So, from that perspective its good---there is something going on, and it is intriguing.
On the other hand. You introduce 3 charachters and 4 names, I am not sure who I am supposed to follow. I am assuming it is the beaten woman. I would recommend then maybe building it more from her PoV. How well does she know her assailant? Could she have thought about him as some other name than his birth name? (That crackpot had thrown her against the wall. . . or something like that).
I agree with the above comment as well that having a hook is good, but there may be to much here. I mean why should I care about what the new boy thinks or feels when there is serious abuse going on, and why would I care about the abuse when it sounds like in a page or two they will be buried under rock if they don't move? Know what I mean?
I was interested, and always like to get a feel for the work before giving a more thorough critique, so if you want to send me the first chapter I would be happy to ready through it for you, just put Hatrack Author in the subject line. My email is: backinpoint@yahoo.com
posted
I really liked this. It is one of the better openings that I have read in a while. I am going to partially agree and partially disagree with the other commenters. I liked that there was alot going on. That it was all a bit chaotic. The juxtaposition of the avalanche and the woman being attacked brought a sense of urgency to the moment. I do agree somewhat that the moment ended too quickly. And the boy running, and his laspe in protocol wasn't what I wanted to focus on. I wanted to learn more about the avalanche or Asande. My one trouble with this bit was that I had no clue as to what the relationship was between Asande and the man that was beating her. Was he her husband? Father? An unknown assailant? I would have been able to get more into the moment if I had known who was beating her. Overall though, great job. I would definitely read on if I picked this up in a bookstore.
Posts: 346 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I suggest connecting Asande and the new character with something like, “She tilted her head to see the headman’s son rush into the cave.” (Can we learn his name later? If he will be part of this continuing action, then no; keep it here.)
I agree with DebbieKW’s suggested revisions, and the “private cave” works for me too. Is “Hradin” Ujarak? I assume so, but it would help if you started with “Hradin Ujarak threw Asande…”
I don’t think you need “without even clapping his hands to announce his presence.” It slows down the action, and his mistake is enough that he cried out before waiting for acknowledgment, interrupting the Hradin while he is administering a beating. IMHO, this aspect of their society could be explained later, at a calmer time.
I get that Asande and Urajak don’t live together since its “his” cave (unless spouses have separate private caves?), but I too want to know what their comparative relationship is, and why he's beating her. Does he have a right to beat her? Is he a judge administering justice, or a small-time bully doing something that he might get in trouble for? Is she his prisoner, servant, mistress? (Sorry, I’ll stop now.) I don’t think you have to say this in the first 13, but very soon after…
posted
Hello Val. Wow, I like the way Asande's Vengeance starts. Right into the action.
I was confused on the situation, though. Is it an avalanche or an earthquake? From your description, it felt like an earthquake to me, but I've only been in a minor earthquake once so I'm no expert.
Tempo wise, rather than taking a step back in the time flow with Ujarak "had just thrown her against" the wall, perhaps you might consider making it more immediate. A sequence like: Ujarak throws her against the wall; she's down on the ground holding her ribs; then she feels the tremor through the rock and realizes an avalanche is coming.
I got the impression that the kid that ran in broke a taboo and felt ashamed or maybe in danger himself, but in the midst of an avalanche, maybe the regular social norms might be ignored? For example, when you're scrambling into a lifeboat, no one stops to make introductions and shake hands.
I like the way Asande is in danger right from the beginning. Very slam bang and energetic.
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