posted
Hi everybody, I've heard it said that it's very hard to hold a readers attention starting with dialogue.(especially internal dialogue) Here's a little somethun I started the other day, Does it hook you? I've got a page or two scratched-out, itch anyone feels the urge to... bite. O.k., here goes nothing:
I aint got... no Body!
They say the first stage of dealing with death is denial. I guess I'd be the one to know... me being dead, and all. Who says that anyway? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? I can't remember. Nevermind... This is the way it went for me. I went... wait. How can I be in denial if I know I'm dead? (nice piece of logic there, huh!) O.k., how does that help me? Come on. Use your brain, man. Damn... Don't have one.(then how am I thinking?) Cogito ergo sum (I think, therefore I am) O.K., I am... dead. Damn, no help there either. God, I can't see or hear anything. What's up with that? Where's the light? The tunnel? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere. And why can't I remember anything? Do(scratch that)did I have Alzheimers or something. Is this what happens when you die with Dementia?
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited May 28, 2008).]
posted
I'm thinking that maybe you could spread the funny out a little over a couple of graphs. First line or two is a powerful hook. A little description to give it some weight and anchor it all a little bit would be helpful to me. I like funny, but I like to know it's going to have some intelligence and some depth, too, and that doesn't really come across, although I've read enough of your stuff to know that it will be there. So show me some of that, too. Does that make sense?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yeah, some paragraph breaks would help. More concision - it's his/her thoughts, so the reader's forgiving of some meandering, but it shouldn't turn into a task of deciphering and hunting for meaning. Think of the pacing like a dialog. Maybe something like this:
quote:They say the first stage of dealing with death is denial. I guess I'd be the one to know... me being dead, and all. Who says that anyway? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? I can't remember. This is the way it went for me. I went... Wait. How can I be in denial if I know I'm dead? Come on. Use your brain, man. Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. O.K., I am... dead. Damn, no help there either. God, I can't see or hear anything. What's up with that? Where's the light? The tunnel? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? And why can't I remember anything? Do—scratch that—did I have Alzheimers or something? Is this what happens when you die with dementia?
If it were cleaned up a little, I'd definitely keep reading.
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 28, 2008).]
posted
Hi Debhoag,Pyraxis, Thanks guys. It helps to have outside viewpoints. This was once all in my head, as it is in my M.C's. Deb, description and depth are difficult when the M.C. has none. Can you expand on what kind of description you (want/need) from my M.C. or me at this point?) His only sense, if it can be called that, is his limited memory. He has to build from there, since he has nothing else. I enjoy ciphers and puzzle solving, and that's exactly what he has here. He's still in panic-mode, grasping blindly for an anchor. Soon... his thoughts will settle down, and he'll begin a more scientific exploration of where, and what he is. I'm still not confident on formatting on this site. Both the 1st 13 cutoff point with my browser,(hence, everything squished together to see what gets cutoff)and formatting changes I sometimes get shuffling between Microsoft Word and here. My fonts won't hold in word. (Maybe it's a computer problem?) I've got the cut/paste stuff down now, but am still testing my feet in Word. It's difficult when I haven't done much typing before. Pyraxis, I definitely agree with you on the paragraph issue. My M.C.'s line of thought is chaotic at this point, so that really helped. I noticed a couple of p.o.v. violations by checking your omissions. (I.E., "Nevermind", and "(nice piece of logic there, huh!) " Thanks. Nice editing. The only piece I miss having from your edit is one of the (O.K's). It's part of his characterization and connects up with the end of the story--where he decides he is "O.K." with what happens. But you couldn't know that so... no biggie. So... I think I'll keep that part, O.K.? Deb, a clarification here. The 'funny' in 'funny fiction' is not as in "ha,ha", but "wa,wa" (strange, unusual, weird). Imagine waking up paralyzed, then imagine waking up with 'no senses'-- blind, deaf, dumb, etc. . His humor is nervous humor. Humor helps when faced with an overwhelming situation. My inspiration for this story came from that song, "Oh, It's another Saturday night and I aint got nobody, I aint got nobody and I just got paid, oh, how I wish, I had someone, to talk to, ... I'm in an awful, I'm in an awful, Im in an awful way." I can't remember the title, but the lyrics are catchy. A recent "Medium" episode and the movie, "What dreams may come" also had an impact. O.K., It's 2:30 a.m. here, and I'm signing out. Good luck and good night.
posted
[QUOTE]His only sense, if it can be called that, is his limited memory. He has to build from there, since he has nothing else.[QUOTE]
That's an important piece of information that I didn't quite get from the first thirteen. And would explain his panic, and his jumbled thoughts. He knows he's dead, right? Has he known for a while? is that fueling his panic also?
It's just a thought. But it seems like a really weird situation, and seemed like he knew a lot of info we didn't. I'd like to know a little more about the circumstance.
And, he did strike me as darkly funny, humorous, ironic. Guess I read that wrong. As you know, I can find humor in just about anything.
posted
I got humor from it too. The idea of a dead guy talking to himself in the middle of a void somewhere, and the completely mundane questions he has to ask in order to figure out if he still exists, is funny.
Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Debhoag/Pyraxis, I'm glad you found it darkly humorous. That was my intent here. However, the distinction I was trying to make is that the piece (tone) as a whole is not meant to be humorous. It's simply his way of maintaining some equilibrium in an unknown situation. Bent Tree, Thanks. I don't have him stumbling around in the dark for long. Since he doesn't have a body, the logical thing for him to do is try and find one (preferably his). The use of parentheses is a habit of mine, it's not necessary and I will probably drop it-- and use the format Pyraxis suggested.
quote:His only sense, if it can be called that, is his limited memory. He has to build from there, since he has nothing else.
quote:That's an important piece of information that I didn't quite get from the first thirteen. And would explain his panic, and his jumbled thoughts.
Deb, Which piece of info.? ("his only sense?" or "his limited memory?") For his only sense I have-- ("God, why can't I see or hear anything"), for his limited memory I have-- ("I can't remember.") and ("... why can't I remember anything.") and ("...Alzheimers...") I don't see how I could include more without tipping the scales into infodumping.
quote:He knows he's dead, right? Has he known for a while? is that fueling his panic also?
As to the first and second questions deb; (Yes, and no). In the first couple of lines he knows he's dead...
quote:They say the first stage of dealing with death is denial. I guess I'd be the one to know... me being dead, and all. Who says that anyway? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? I can't remember. Nevermind...
The next line leads into the story/flashback where he's not so sure...of anything.
quote:This is the way it went for me.
As for your third question, (I think it's the not knowing that gets to him most).
quote:"... seemed like he knew a lot of info we didn't."
Deb, again I think you didn't understand that that most of the story is told as a flashback. (except the first few lines, of course) From the beginning of the flashback, you know what he knows... which starts as next to nothing. (hence my intro);
quote:"... here goes nothing:"
quote:It's just a thought. But it seems like a really weird situation, and I'd like to know a little more about the circumstance.
I agree, it is a really weird situation. ( I think a lot of people wonder what happens after we die, and most have their own expectations about it.) I hope most readers want to know more about his circumstances, I just don't think I can fit more into the 1st 13, without it becoming an infodump. (I already sacrificed functional formating to try and squeeze in more).
Again, thanks for your input guys. Its important to know where I might be losing people. Steve
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited June 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited June 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited June 01, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
