posted
First thirteen of a draft now in progress. Thanks for any and all feedback.
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Rortin wondered if the burning in his stomach came from the poison or the wine. If the latter, he’d misjudged the bottle’s potency. If the former, it meant he had less than ten minutes to end this game, gather his winnings, and then find a quiet spot to give himself the antidote.
He eyed his opponent across the table. A miniature field of glass and metal pieces filled the stone board. Each piece brought its own rules to the board, which also changed depending on what other pieces sat in conjunction to it. Rortin’s Stakeler stood by the Crumblemound, repelling any attacks, while the Beads paired with the Lances to drive back the enemy.
His opponent, Orthule, was a thin-haired old man with silvered
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 11, 2008).]
posted
I liked the prose and quick decription of the game. Reminiscent of chess but you gave the impression it was much more.
The burning in his stomach part leaves, what I feel, a lot to the imagination. If he is truly a gambler he would be betting on the wine being to strong, it he isn’t then he would make a quick win or loss and rush out in a hurry, the bet of his life being well above what he was willing to lose. I would be interested there to read on to see what kind of man he really is.
Things I didn’t like. “…And then find a quite spot to give himself the antidote.” And then, and then, and then… I doubt the rest is to this extreme but any time I see ‘and then’ I can only picture a 4 year old telling a ‘story’ about how the aliens broke the lamp in the living room. The other thing was the name ‘Rortin’ not easily read, and those of us with bad eyesight, it could have been read as rotten.
And I’m not sure but “give himself the antidote” might should be “give his self the antidote.” I’m not sure just something about himself seems wrong, I can’t put a finger on it though neither way looks right to me.
posted
Solid stuff here. Minor grammatical error, some awkward phrasing, but it reads pretty well.
Suggested rewrite of the antidote bit: "If it was the latter, he’d misjudged the bottle’s potency. If the former, it meant he'd less than ten minutes to end this game, gather his winnings, and seek out a quiet spot to take the antidote safely."
"Each piece brought its own rules to the board, which also changed depending on what other pieces sat in conjunction to it."
Move this sentance somewhere else. It's not needed, and the main character wouldn't be thinking about it - he already knows how to play the game. Put in something about what he's thinking - whether he's winning or losing?
posted
Oh yes, I like the tension here! I hope you don’t let us forget about it; mention his dilemma again very soon. And I like the game description, and the start of characterization. Here are my nits:
I read “Rotten” the first time. And at first I read “Rortin’s Stakeler” as a first and last name. Had to think, “oh, Stakeler is a piece”.
“…from x or y. If former, … If latter…” I would prefer to keep the sequence so I don’t have to think too hard. Or “…from x or y. If x… If y…” OR: “Either he’d misjudged the bottle’s potency, or he had less than ten minutes to end this game, gather his winnings, and [ ] find a quiet spot to [take] the antidote.” Maybe not.
The poison and the antidote sound generic: I found myself asking, how does he know which antidote? I think it might be good to name the poison so there’s no question of his competency to treat himself. How convenient that he happens to have it with him. (Or maybe you will soon tell us he was expecting to be poisoned and someone had given him a vial of the antidote just a short while ago… now I’m curious!)
It pulled me out when he eyed his opponent but then thought about the board, not the opponent. Leave eyeing the opponent until the next paragraph.
How does a field of stuff fill the board? I don’t think “field” quite fits.
“Each piece brought its own rules to the board, which also changed depending on what other pieces sat in conjunction to it.” Nice idea, but wordy and unnatural. And maybe put it after the next sentence? Or give us the rules as he thinks about the next move: the X’s proximity to the Y meant he couldn’t move it the way he wanted, so he had to get the Y out of the way. Well, bad example; that sounds like a blocked bishop.
posted
I could really like this. My only hesitation was that the poison seemed like a tease. He's been poisoned, it sounds like he did it, he has the antidote, and he's not stressed about it.
For me, it would work better and feel like less of a tease if you reversed the paragraphs. Tell me about the game, which is interesting enough to hook me, and then about the poison. You'd definately have me reading on then.
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