Before I say anything about it, I apologize if I'm a bit rough - I've never actually critiqued anything before other than some of my sister's ramblings (that's ... uhm, that's nice, sis). Anyway, on I go.

Also, I'm assuming that basic things like bold and such work on this board, and that I know how to activate/trigger it. If you see things in brackets, that means I was wrong.

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I screamed uncontrollably as pain coursed its way through every nerve fiber of my body.
Interesting hook, but the MC's knowledge gives me the impression that it's contemporary or sci-fi - if it is, then no problem. Also, 'uncontrollably' can, IMHO, be assumed.

...like a fish out of water.
Similes aren't generally necessary for things like gasping after torture, though at this point I don't know the MC is being tortured.

In the next instance, I felt my upper torso begin to rise up off the ground while my feet remained rooted in place.
Maybe change 'instance' to 'instant.' Also, with the idea of pain and such, I first assumed that the MC was being bent backwards, whether by magic or machine, not being stood up.

Tears streamed from my eyes and snot flowed from my nose and snaked its way down to my chin.
This sounds like a run-on to me, though I may be wrong - I don't know the technicalities like I should. Other than that, I just wonder whether 'snot' is the right word. Granted, I can't think of a better wording....

...I blurted out.” Why can’t I...
Simple technical error here, though you may well have simply mistyped (I'm a perfectionist...). Instead: [...I blurted out, "Why can't I...]

I watched in awe as the eyes of my torturer changed in color and appearance to those of a serpent.
The MC knows it's a dream, that's already clear, so why is he/she awed by the change?
Also, rather than 'changed in color and appearance to those of a serpent,' you might use 'changed from the eyes of a man to those of a serpent.'

“Garic, this is no dream. I captured your mind and conveyed it to this realm while you remain comatose in the other. Accept me as your master and I shall return your mind.
First question in my mind - who's talking? I realize it's the torturer after a second, but it distracts me.
Also, instead of '...and I shall return your mind,' maybe simplify a bit, use 'and I shall return it.'

That said, it seems to be the beginning of a very interesting story, and I'm intrigued.

P.S. I apologize again if I sound too critical or mean. This is all only my opinion, and you can (obviously) ignore part or all of it if you don't agree.

P.P.S All the edits noted on this reply are because I'm trying to get the bold effect to work (I didn't get it right on the first or second run through), not because I'm seeing more issues. :P

Cheers,
Kirona

[This message has been edited by Kirona (edited January 13, 2009).]

I've posted a few first 13 all on the same story, just to see if I can get close, for I know I'm no writer. I accept that fact.I have read books suggested, and it's like a foreign language to me.I would never have thought of writing, if this story had not materialized in my mind.It's like I have read the book and placed it down somwhere, but don't know where.I have struggled, but I have 34k done and haven't scratched the surface.I'm sure it needs a lot of work, but someone will help me polish the gem, once I show it to them.

Craig

Anyway, keep at it. You're not bad, and improvement is inevitable. I'm not all that great myself, in my eyes, and I'm also unpublished.

At least you're sticking with one story, eh? I've posted dozens of first 13's since I first joined, most of them on different stories in different worlds and genres entirely. Hah, I still have all the text files....