posted
Leaving a sigmoid trail of blood in his wake, the Oneirophage dragged his wounded body through Phantasmagorika. Torn flaps of snakeskin dangled loosely from his face and chest, and half-clotted scabs obscured his elaborate tattoos. Just navigating the mazes and slithering up the rampways of his palace was excruciating, the injuries he had suffered in combat against the Necrodelic alive with pain. Though Morpheus Rex had desired to continue his battle with the Death Addict, the were-mechanisms in his brain had been triggered by sunset, rendering him a zombie and hypnotically forcing him back to his lair with a primal force as irresistible as gravity. He briefly visited his weapons gallery and hung the Prismsword and Spectrumhammer upon their racks. The Rainbowspear had been summoned back to his open hand
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 12, 2009).]
posted
In just giving this a quick read through I found it to be a little too overloaded with created words and names. It's dense.
I also can't imagine a "sigmoid trail of blood". If he is in a zombie-like state going back to his lair (and injured) why wouldn't he crawl in a straight line? Also not clear how much of a zombie he is..."he briefly visited his weapons gallery..."
This needs more thought behind the scene... right now I can't get a coherent picture from it.
posted
I can appreciate the depth of the story that you've created. Your world and its characters are obviously well developed and deep. The only thing keeping me from truly enjoying and getting hooked is the style and word choice. I think that dense is a great way to describe it. I worry about the piece being sophisticated merely for the sake of being sophisticated. Is there a reason to say 'sigmoid' when 'S-shaped' or 'curved' works just as well?
I work with college students who deal with the same issue in their academic writing. There is rarely a reason to use an obscure word when a common one will have the same meaning and not alienate your readers.
posted
You've obviously put a lot of thought into creating your world and making it rich and deep. Your hard work definitely shows. I did, however, feel a little bombarded:
Oneirophage
Phantasmagorika
Necrodelic
Morpheus Rex
Death Addict
were-mechanisms
Prismsword
Spectrumhammer
Rainbowspear
This is a lot to throw at a reader in 13 lines. There was so much I didn't understand that I began to shut off even to the words and images I did recognize. By the end I felt like I was reading with very little comprehension, as if I were reading a foreign language.
Your world is obviously elaborate and exciting, but bring the reader in gradually. You want them to enjoy each new discovery in your world, not turn them off by making them feel like they have no idea what you're talking about.
You have an amazing imagination! Color me impressed. (What color is 'impressed' exactly?) Good luck!
posted
Thanks, everyone. Bearing in mind that this is the fourth chapter, all of those concepts have been introduced at various intervals throughout the first three, but I'll see what I can do with the whole pacing aspect, overall, as I continue to edit and re-edit the entire novel.
I have my own philosophies regarding verbosity and writing in general, which I won't get into here, but my style is reflective of my major influences and preferred reading materials, and not something that is done mistakenly or unconsciously.
Thanks for the compliments regarding my imagination and hard work; they are most appreciated. Stay tuned for Chapter Five!
Best regards to all,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 14, 2009).]
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