posted
Just thought I'd post the prologue to my first attempt at a YA (realistic fiction/mystery/thriller/fantasy) novel here. Might make the first 13 of chapter one more meaningful. Hack away, gang - I love the comments and feedback that you have given to other firsts!
Prologue Power and pain filled her. Power so sweet, so intense, MC didn’t know if she could bear it. And pain…pain of loss and grief. “Gramma Annie?” she whispered, afraid to open her eyes, afraid of what she would see revealed in her grandmother’s dying face, afraid of losing the power now filling her, afraid of not losing the power. “Gramma? Is it always like this?” “Yes, Meg, hush now. All is as it should be. I love you. You have done well, so well…” Her grandmother’s voice grew dim as MC lost herself in this new world of power and pain, sweetness and loss. As her consciousness faded away she knew with utter certainty that her life would never be the same.
[This message has been edited by screynolds (edited December 28, 2008).]
posted
Good stuff, it was entertaining to read, which is obviously good. A few suggestions, if I may:
quote:afraid of losing the power now filling her, afraid of not losing the power.
This line frustrates me quite a bit. I can understand there might be a reason she fears both losing it and keeping it, but until I know that reason, it just irks me.
As Snapper says, if this is the entirety of the prologue, I don't think it would be necessary, and perhaps better upon a flashback, or something of the sort. I wouldn't want to start off with something so short, and then afterwards, be thrust into the story.
posted
I would read on, though I wonder why you call this a prologue. If it's not the first lines of the first chapter, then I agree with Snapper's and Gan's recommendations to move the scene into a flashback. Prologues don't have the best reputation.
posted
Interesting! I would use something other than "utter certainty" though. It's one of those phrases that is almost a cliche ("almost a cliche" or "almost cliche"? Whichever one of those is right). Even just "certainty" would work. Or maybe I'm prejudiced against the word "utter." You might look for a second opinion.
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