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Author Topic: The Sorcerer's Bounty - the beginning
Owasm
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My last fantasy project ended up being a romantic piece. I scratched my head over that. Can't argue with the magic fingers. Anyway, I wanted to prove my masculinity, yet again. So here's the start of a new novel. Sword and Sorcery all the way with the massively built warrior-mage Brull. Tell me what you think.

Three's the Charm?

Ah, the final guard to get through. I’d thought they’d never end. Brull grunted as he raised his weapon again, drops of sweat running from his arms.

With the guard dispatched, he entered her chamber. His target, a female warlock, extended her bony hands to cast a spell.

Brull stood catching his breath. Let’s see… blue lightning? He raised the sword, mentally loading the Spell of Reflection into the blade.

A stream of brilliant blue power shot towards Brull. It coalesced on the weapon's dull black surface then cartwheeled back towards her outstretched hands. Flames wrapped around her body, then she vanished.

Yep, blue lightning, Brull sighed. Quietly sitting down, he pulled out a parchment. Now, who’s next?

Second Try:
Ah, the final guard. I’d thought they’d never end. Brull grunted as he raised his weapon again, drops of sweat running from his arms. With the guard out of the way, he entered her chamber.

The female warlock raised her hands to cast a spell.

Brull stood catching his breath. Let’s see… blue lightning? He raised the sword, concentrating to push Reflection into the blade.

The spell was cast. It coalesced on the weapon's dull black surface then cartwheeled back towards her outstretched hands. Blue flames wrapped around her body, then she vanished.

Yep, blue lightning, Brull sighed. Quietly sitting down, he pulled out a parchment. Now, who’s next?


First Try: (I was being too melodramatic and needed to key more on Brull's attitude than this first cut gave me.)

Brull's sword swung so close that a retreating lock of hair fell to the floor. He grunted as he raised his weapon again, drops of sweat running from his wrists.

The magician threw her weapon down to cast a spell.

Brull could both see and sense the incoming attack. “Think you’ve got me Zenta? Think again.” He raised the sword, closed his eyes and pushed Reflection into the blade.

The magician’s eyes grew as the thrown spell coalesced on the weapon's dull black surface then cartwheeled back towards her outstretched hands. Blue flames consumed the body.

“Another day, another piece of gold,” Brull sighed. As he sheathed his sword, he was already thinking about his next contract.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 19, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 19, 2009).]


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DB
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Pretty straightforward introduction to Brull. Things I learned--he's a sword master and a magic master. They have been fighting for a while in as much as sweat is dripping from his wrists, so she (the magician) must be very adept with a weapon also. By seeing and sensing the magical attack coming, I assume he is knowledgeable about the mechanics of the specific spell, and maybe he has an intuitive sense about what this magician would try, depending on how well he knows her.

He's apparently an assassin, but he is either bored with it or troubled by it because he 'sighed' rather than just 'said.'

Questions that come to mind. Will Zenta have any further role? Or did she have a past role the affects Brull in some way? If not, I wouldn't waste a name on her--she is just so much carrion. I think I would put his words to Zenta into internal dialogue. I see him maybe saying to himself something like "That spell? Nice try." (in internal dialogue--I don't know how to italicize yet on this forum). I don't sense he would gloat like all the dumb bad guys in the movies, or give a chance for her to change her spell. I get the impression he is action in human form.

Your last sentence--I would get out of passive voice and put it into an active affirmation (ie "As he sheathed his sword, he thought about the path that would lead him to his next contract.")

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by DB (edited March 19, 2009).]


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BenM
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Brull's sword swung so close that a retreating lock of hair fell to the floor.
I had two thoughts about this:
1) my first thought - which I suspect is just my own problem - was 'oh no, not again'. If I pick up a book with a sword swing as the opening line I'd probably put it down again.
2) in the context of him grunting at raising the weapon, implying to me a broadsword, I somehow found it curious that it was sharp enough to cut off a lock of hair.
3) It was not immediately apparent that Brull was the main character - the reader might think that Brull is attacking the POV character.

The magician threw her weapon down to cast a spell.
To me, it made no sense for the magician to do this. It implies they didn't need the weapon in the first place.

and sense How? was the first thought that came into my mind. If it's a sixth sense (ie, he didn't also smell, taste, feel, or hear it) then this is not obvious.

closed his eyes Does he do this often when fighting? Does it make sense for him to?

and pushed Reflection into the blade
I'm 50/50 about this, undecided as to whether I'd keep reading to find out what Reflection is, or whether I'm reading some form of D&D story.

The magician’s eyes this almost feels like a run-on sentence and not the snappy action sequence it should be. Further, it's not obvious to me if you mean her eyes grew literally, due to some effect of the spell, or if it's a figurative description.

the body whose? It is not instantly obvious, and could just as easily been a body of observers. If you'd said 'her body' it would be clearer. The anonymity of this statement is in stark contrast to the earlier naming of this character.

piece of gold this felt awkward and ambiguous; surely he would refer to a specific measurement, like a talent, a penny, ... in modern language I say another day another dollar - not another day another deposit in my bank account.

sighed is probably sufficiently obvious from the dialogue, and risks calling attention to itself.

As he sheathed his sword, he was already I agree with DB's passive voice concern here, and the subject of the sentence (sheathing the sword?) might need to be rethought - if it should instead be the next contract - and the consequent meaningless of the life he just took - then perhaps it should read altogether differently.


[[Edited to add:]]
Brull could both see and sense the incoming attack. “Think you’ve got me Zenta? Think again.” He raised the sword, closed his eyes and pushed Reflection into the blade.

doesn't quite make sense. If he has time to blab all that while she's casting, why doesn't he just stab her in the face?

And DB,

quote:
(in internal dialogue--I don't know how to italicize yet on this forum)

it's similar to bbcode, see
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum3/HTML/000004.html


[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 19, 2009).]


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Owasm
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Ben, DB
You have some good points. This is my first S&S fantasy, so my beginning is going to be a bit formulaic. I was in the midst of my world building when I wrote the beginning. Brull is a mage (there are four arcane levels, Warlock, Sorcerer, Wizard and Mage. I will re-identify the magician as a warlock because they work with air)

Mages are called directly by the gods. Brull has a special sword, the Sword of Spells. It is a dull black. It is very heavy, very sharp. He can wield it because of his size, but it wears him out. He has 10 spell attributes for his sword. He can infuse one in his sword at any time. Reflection is one of them.

Generally mages have some special purpose, but at the start of the book, Brull isn't blessed by outside direction. He has found that one doesn't make any money being a mage, so he becomes a bounty hunter of rogue magic practitioners. This is reflected in the name of the novel.

The novel starts during Brull's 'working hours'.

That background helps for the rest of the story, but I've got to get you hooked on the first thirteen. Onward towards the Second Try.

- Owasm

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 19, 2009).]


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DB
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Your rewrite is much stronger.

Just a couple of things. This is just me, but I would depersonalize (is that a word?) the female warlock. I would just make it "A female warlock raised her hands . . ." Can a female be a warlock? I always associate that term with a male.

"push Reflection into the blade" bothers me. My first thought is not a spell, but an appearance of the steel that makes up the blade. Later you say "the dull black surface" but reflection doesn't fit and it makes me stop reading until if figure out Reflection is a spell. And I don't think about "pushing" a spell. I think something like this would solve the question. "concentrating to imbue the Reflection spell into the blade." Just let me know right up front.

Last thing--you slip into passive voice--"The spell was cast." Give me an active snap to keep me glued to the action. The reader already knows she raised her hands to cast the spell. Let me see it. "The hair on Brull's arms stood on end, as blue energy erupted from the warlock's fingers. The pulsations coalesced . . ."

I like that a lot of the action has shifted from sword swinging to Brull's mind. It pulls the reader more intimately into his frame of mind. Your second redition gives me a much stronger background to build on.

Just some thoughts.


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satate
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I actually like the first version better because it was clearer. In the second version the first two sentences put me off. I didn't understand what was going on. At first I thought he was watching a parade and glad it was over. Then I was confused why after the parade he walked into a room to have a little fight with a warlock. My first thought was that he was training her or practicing with her. At the end I was still wondering what had just happened. Was he a teacher and waiting for the next pupil to spar with? Having her disappear could mean anything.

The first version makes it clearer that he is fighting with someone.


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TLBailey
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Hey Owasm,

I'd recommend going back to the first and reworking it. Your first try was by far the best, needing mainly to clarify the initial battle with whom? It would also help to show where the magician came from, was she hiding behind her guards that Brull just wiped out handily with his mystically forged, magic absorbing, broad sword. And why is Brull here in the first place? After the initial battle, is he panting from the exertion that is leaving him soaked and dripping in sweat and blood? I assume you will explain what you mean by Reflection which obviously has some special meaning here.

The second and third loose all the intensity of the first. I now feel like Brull is a ticket taker at a toll booth where his is casually killing anyone without correct change, and the people in line are too dazed to even realize they are in danger.

The wizard, paying with blue lightning, seems to almost get one past Brull, until he checks his list and realizes blue lighting is a major no no. He then raises his sword with one hand while slowly cranking the handle on an ancient answer wheel with the other, looking for the correct response.

"Let's see here" Brull puts on his glasses to read the fine print, "Oh, yes, blue lightning, yup that's it." He waves his magic sword deflecting the blue energy bolt back toward the anxious warlock causing her to vanish in a sputter of flames.

God, I almost had to get up for that one. "Ah hum. Okay. Who's next? Stay in line there!"

For what it's worth

TL


[This message has been edited by TLBailey (edited March 19, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by TLBailey (edited March 19, 2009).]


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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Passive voice lesson alert:

quote:
As he sheathed his sword, he was already thinking about his next contract.
is not passive.

Passive voice is when the order of the sentence is switched around so that the subject of a regular sentence becomes the object of the action:

quote:
The reader critiqued the story.
as opposed to
quote:
The story was critiqued by the reader.

The first examples above, because they use the "to be" verb in the form of "was," can be considered static, but not passive.

There is a topic with a whole list of links to Hatrack topics on passive voice here .

edited to say that

quote:
The spell was cast.
actually is passive, but not because of "was."

It's passive because there is no actor in the sentence (the "by a spellcaster" part is missing).

This form of passive voice shows up a lot in scientific papers (because what's important is not who did it, but what was done), and in political statements and military reports (to avoid blame) as in

quote:
Mistakes were made.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 20, 2009).]


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