“Mulligan. Hey Mulligan,” they say to a man too drunk from weariness to keep his consciousness. “Come on! We’ve been over this before Mulligan. You can’t just pick any part of the city and make it your mattress. Now are you going to move on your own or do we have to move you.” Mulligan shows his sleep deprived, blood shot eyes to the two men in blue as his voice, dry from the cold early morning air, whispers his compliance. He raises himself up, his clothes stiff from lack of washing, stumbles a bit, and slowly makes his way out of sight of the officers. His stomach is on a hunger strike and has left his pounding temples to alert him to his need for nourishment. Has it been three days? Four, since he last had a meal?
I am interested in having anyone who wishes read and critique the rest of the book (only about 11,000 words as of this posting). It is easy for me to get lost in the world that is being created and forget that the one person writing it needs to act and react in a dozen different ways as a dozen different people.
[This message has been edited by SaintBob (edited February 01, 2009).]
posted
Hi SaintBob, nice piece of prose. The images were clear without being overwrought, and Mulligan is an interesting enough character at this point that I'd definitely keep reading. Honestly, I can't find any faults here, except that I know present tense can sometimes be difficult to keep up for long. Looks like you may be transitioning to past tense at the end there though -- and that works for me, its smooth enough. What's the genre?
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited February 01, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited February 01, 2009).]
posted
Material doesn't have to be speculative fiction (science fiction, fantasy, etc) to be offered for feedback here, but most participants expect it to be unless notified otherwise.
And most speculative fiction needs something as soon as possible to indicate that it is speculative, or it risks failing to hook readers.
posted
Then I shall definitively state that the genre is NOT speculative in nature. I would say that this is more philisophical fiction, but then that monicker doesn't sound quite right either.
Maybe there's more money in creating new genre taxonomys...
posted
It may be just personal preference, but I find it hard to get into a book written in the present tense. I'm so accustomed to the literary past tense, it feels awkward. There are authors who get me into the books despite this (Neal Stephenson comes to mind), but you need a really, really strong intro to hook me. As I recall, the intro to Snow Crash blew me away and I had to keep reading.
To me, this had a few things that would turn me away.
quote: “Mulligan. Hey Mulligan,” they say to a man too drunk from weariness to keep his consciousness.
"they" sounds awkward to me. This is from the POV of the drunk, so it would make more sense if he "hears gruff voices shouting at him."
quote: Has it been three days? Four, since he last had a meal?
I was jarred here by the quick change from external to internal voice. Again, I think the problem is (to my tastes) exacerbated by the present tense. When I hear present tense, I'm almost inclined to think we are in someone's head, experiencing as they experience. Yet this starts from a very external POV -- it's fact and action based. Then a quick switch to thoughts, which just doesn't work for me. The switch to having the POV character's thoughts inserted as normal narration does work in past-tense third person limited, but I feel like it hurts here.
Again, please take all of this with a grain of salt -- I'm predisposed not to like present tense narration. I have no idea how common a taste that is.
On Present Tense: This very seldom used tense is one that makes this character more interesting *to me*. I tend to take the stance that this tense aids in the discovery of the story and the discovery of the characters. The virtues of present tense negate a past and concentrate on a future. The word 'was' is not as convincing to me as the word 'is'.
On Point of View: This is where I feel conflicted. On one hand, writing from Mulligan's POV (which comes later in the story, mind you) would greatly ease the tension you (and to an extent, I) feel regarding potential clumsiness. On the other hand, writing from Mulligan's head gives the reader a warped sense of his surroundings (he is a deeply conflicted man and doesn't really see things as they are) and doesn't really convey the peripheral characters as I, as the writer, desire them to be seen. Mulligan doesn't see things clearly and I want the reader to get a sense of his clouded judgement as the story progresses and I feel the only way to do that is to allow the reader to see things from an objective viewpoint.
More Notes: When it comes to mixing voices (narrator versus character), why does the narrator have to be the dominate voice? What is the problem with Mulligan inserting himself (or his thoughts) into the narrative when it suits him? Perhaps if I understood this (and I can see your point), I could make more of an impact on the reader. Is there a better way, or a way I am not thinking of, to mix these two voices with better success?
Afterall, this discussion affects more than just the first thirteen lines...
[This message has been edited by SaintBob (edited February 09, 2009).]
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