This is the a novel covering the adventures of Bernie James, an officer in the Space and Atomospheric Defense Service (SPADES). It is not as sexy as the "Spacers" who explore and kick butt. These are the guys who protect a planet, moon or astroid (resources or colony) after the big ships leave from pirates, smugglers or rebels.
It is not finished yet so I am asking if it hooks and any other help this newie can get.
Thanks in advance,
Garlic ------------- Captain Bernadette James looked across the layout of her GLADIATOR missile battery with immense satisfaction. The placement was perfect despite the difficult terrain.
“When the set up meets the standard go to half manning, First Sergeant. I’ll be in the Command Post.” She knew that although “Top” was just as pleased; he would find a couple of things to correct before allowing the soldiers to get some well deserved rest.
1SG Stevens saluted, his index finger touched the top portion of his suit’s visor. “Yes, Ma’am.”
Bernie James continued to think about her battery as she trudged through the fine powder towards the Command Post. She had commanded Foxtrot Battery for almost two years and would soon have to relinquish her “baby” to someone else.
[This message has been edited by Garlic Coachman (edited February 10, 2009).]
posted
Well the whole idea has me hooked already. I like spaceships--especially when blows up in the first thirteen (wink, nudge as good as a wink).
I would remove GLADIATOR and immense from the first line. I do appreciate weaponry and the acronyms that can be made from their mission function but I think you could work it in later. Right now it is distracting me from getting to know your character.
'The placement was perfect despite the difficult terrain.' tells me nothing. I don't know what--tactically--would be the perfect placement or what was difficult about the terrain.
Might I suggest: 'From the peak of the mountain it could attain a target anywhere in the rugged mountain terrain of the planet Whatever.' You see I now know its placement--and discribed how advantageous it is--and described the setting. I'm sure you could do better.
posted
Hey Garlic pretty nice. I'm not seeing the hook yet, but I like the style so far. Just a couple of comments.
quote: 1SG Stevens saluted, his index finger touched the top portion of his suit’s visor. “Yes, Ma’am.”
I think you should consider removing "his index finger touched the top portion of his suit's visor". When you say 'salute' most people immediately have an image appear. I think this piece is really trying to stress that 1sg is wearing some kind of space suit. I just don't think it fits here, but unfortunately, at this time. I'm unable to offer ideas on where you could put it.
quote: Bernie James continued to think about her battery as she trudged through the fine powder towards the Command Post.
Here, if she "continued to think about her battery" then she could just as well have "thought about her battery". The whole "continued" part threw me as it hadn't been explicitly mentioned that she was thinking about it before. I also feel that it pulls the reader of of the character as a person would never think that they were "continuing to think" about something. They'd either think it or not.
Good luck with this piece.
<Christian puts two cents on the table and quietly leaves the room>
[/i]Note: this has been edited to correct my poor english and grammer skills.[/i]
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 11, 2009).]
posted
Thanks for the input PJ and Christian. I will go back and rework what I have. I did not realize until joining this site that it was the first 13 I had to worry about. It is a lot harder than I thought!
PJ - don't worry... stuff starts getting blown up almost right away.
posted
Same here Coach (you don't mind if I call you 'Coach' do you? No? Good...), I had no idea that the 1st thirteen needed to be that intriguing. At first, I rebelled against the idea just because I'd never heard it before. I'd heard of 'medeas res' of course, but that left room for interpretation.
<Christian flashes something shiny and snatches his Wheat Penny off of the table. Never leave anything of value, he thinks to himself. He sings off-key as he exits the room>
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