This is a middle-grade urban fantasy. The complete novel is currently 65,000 words.

Toby crouched in the darkness behind a rusty dumpster and brushed his hair away from his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he carefully slipped a black ski mask over his head. The moonlight sparkled like silver glitter on the wet pavement as he nervously peeked around the corner to look down the empty street. He had a pretty good idea he was going to regret this plan.
“Hey Bidge,” Toby whispered to his friend Bridget Donnelly, “tuck your hair into the back of your shirt or something. It practically glows in the dark.” Bidge had long straight fiery red hair that hung down just past her shoulders. She was what some would call “sporty-cute.” Not that Toby had noticed. He couldn’t think romantically about

[This message has been edited by ceverett99 (edited April 28, 2009).]

A few minor nits:
was routinely punching -> routinely punched

too many adjectives for her hair; don't need "long"

not sure if you need "girl" or "…"

"grabbed his right shoulder with his left hand" hmm, do you need the right and left? would grabbed his shoulder be enough?

If you want feedback on chapters, I suggest you visit the Hatrack Groups forum and look for a thread starting with "NSG".

That's our Novel Support Group, designed for people who want help with a longer work, whatever stage its at. Its a good place to ask for someone to trade chapters for critting.

Good luck!

Don't mind the delay, sometimes when the first thirteen is good, we take a long time to figure out what to say.

If only you had glaring problems, then you'd have more comments than you would know what to do with. (Speaking from experience)

The other time I was pulled out of the story was at the dialog. I had already forgotten the MC's name and I had to stop a minute to look back at the beginning.