posted
The woman who lay on her deathbed was far from being a lady. The lamp flame outside the door to her little room was enclosed by red-tinted glass rather than clear, advertising the services she offered. The glass itself had cost her a high amount: the better part of a month's earnings entertaining men's fancies. It would have taken her two months or more, but she nearly starved herself for that month and worked even during the daytime to pay for it. She'd been sore and hungry for the duration of that month, but not her children. No, her children never went hungry, and they never lacked for clothes to cover their backs. She would work herself to death before she saw either of her boys shirtless or thin for want of food.
I'd appreciate any feedback. Message if you want the rest of the first chapter.
posted
I like this woman, how hard she works in a terrible job, on behalf of her children. But there are too many details getting in the way of the emotional context. For example, I want to know how worried she is about the boys’ future, now that she is dying. The focus on the glass lamp seems extraneous, although I see you are using it to tell us about her life. I suspect the difficulty is that you tell us about her past instead of her present?
That said, the text could be leaner, to move it forward more quickly.
Suggested cuts: “flame” (maybe lantern instead of lamp?) and “rather than clear”
“outside her door” instead of “outside the door to her little room”
“advertising her services” instead of “advertising the services she offered”
Suggest: “The glass had cost a month's earnings…”
Cut: “or more” … “for that month” … “to pay for it”
Ack, that month again! “for the duration of that month” could be “during those weeks”
“Her children” is repeated – one could be “her sons”.
The last two sentences are repetitive. Can you combine them? Or cut one?
posted
The opening to this didn't hook me. But the character interview sounded more promising. I'll read this, too, if you want.
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posted
If this woman is going to die at the end of the first chapter, she musn't be the main character. In which case it might be better to introduce the main character and (if necessary) tell us about this lady from their point of view.
If this is the MC's mother, then show us what he knows of his mother and how her death affected him etc.
For me, this opening is dispassionate, as we know that the woman is dying so we aren't going to connnect with her.
Just my opinion of course. Hope it helps.
Another thought: It might be a little sterotyical to get my interest. Not that I'm saying that the idea is wrong... just that to start with it, might not be the best idea.
posted
I agree with the others. There isn't a hook. The opening tells us she's dying and she's taken care of her kids despite her profession.
So the reader is left with nothing at the opening. What's going to happen? We don't have an inkling.
I am not engaged at this point. A sliver of dialogue or something to take us into the story is needed. Instead of an infodump, you could have one of her sons (the one who may end up as the MC) think about her efforts to help them.
posted
Okay. From your feedback, I've made some changes. Read this and tell me what you think.
Somehow Staven knew that Mama wasn’t going to get up from the bed this time. This was it. He’d never see her walk again, or cook, or shoo him and his brother Rowan into the other room when a customer came. “Cover your ears,” she would tell them in a hushed voice, “and hum to yourselves. No coming out until I come for you, and keep your ears covered.” Staven would have given anything to hear one more story from her, about ladies and knights and the Princes who ruled across the sea. He was smart for a seven-year-old; he knew that Mama was far from being a lady, like in the stories. She didn’t dress in silks and lace, she didn’t talk good (he knew that he didn’t either). No one called her “m’lady.” Usually it was something else, a word Staven knew was mean or bad, and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like thinking about Mama that way.
posted
This is better, in that the MC is telling the story. With this version we immediately get to hear his 'voice'. However, it still feels like 'telling' to me. Even though it is told differently... it is still backstory. Personally I would like to see some action in the first paragraph. Maybe you could start with the MC going into his mother's room and seeing visible signs that she is ill. He could have a conversation with her in which she tells him that she isn't going to make it this time. This would establish the relationship between them. There could be visible and other sensual signs of her trade and of the state in which they live. You could drop in the odd line of reflection as well.
An example of this might be: He put his hand on her forehead and was shocked by how hot she was. He pulled away her sheets, to give her some air. He was struck by how pitiful she looked in her 'working clothes'. He doubted that any of her customers would want to share her bed if they saw her like this. Her cheeks were sunken, her skin grey. Her normally smooth slender legs were covered in boils.
and so on. Obviously I haven't tried to write this example in the style you used, or put any dialogue in. I was just trying to show what I meant about mixing the action with reflection.
One more thing, I would try and build in more of your hook. I'm not sure what it is, but if (for example) it was the fact that this woman had to struggle in this way because she was abandoned by somebody and this makes her son angry and is going to be the motivation for what he does next. Then you could drop in the odd line about this. That would help put it in perspective for me. Because at the moment I can see that you are trying to make us feel sorry for this woman, but I can't see why she matters.
All this is just my opinion and I could easily be wrong, but I hope it helps.
[This message has been edited by Robert Black (edited April 28, 2009).]
Sanity check: Writers need to find a balance between honing the craft and getting the story down on paper. At times I felt like hashing through an opening was valuable to my growth and what I needed then. But when it bogged me down and I lost momentum, I figured I could worry about the details later--my story needs to be written.
Its hard to know where/when to begin. I've tossed out one opening, then re-written my new opening twice, and now have to do a major revision of my first three chapters. The story keeps changing.
Keep at it, whichever route you choose
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 28, 2009).]
posted
Alright, it's been awhile, but here's a new attempt!
The sharp rap at the door startled Staven. He almost didn’t answer it, but Mama had taught him not to leave people waiting outside. He swung the old door open and immediately didn’t like the man who stood there. He was covered with street filth, and the dirty brown beard covering his cheeks and chin looked like it hadn’t been touched by a razor-- or clean water-- in years. He turned shady brown eyes to Staven and grumbled. “Weren’t lookin’ for no boy. Idn’t there a woman here?” “My mama is very sick,” he replied, inching the door slightly more closed. Go away, he thought. Just go away. “Sick, huh? Got a silver piece here says she idn’t.” A silver coin appeared in the man’s hand. Staven knew they needed the money, but he also knew Mama couldn’t work tonight.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 20, 2009).]
posted
I think you’re close. A boy with a sick Mama, an unsavory man looking for her, and his thought of “Just go away.” If this man is a threat, then I suggest raising the threat level a little. That would strengthen your hook. You have time to raise the stakes if you cut some of the extra verbiage. Perhaps Staven picks up a makeshift weapon and holds it behind the door, even though he doesn’t know how to use it. Perhaps give a little more of his thoughts. (Perhaps mention his age.)
Line edits: “Door” appears twice. Suggest: The sharp knock startled… Suggest: “not to leave customers waiting… (or potential/possible customers) didn’t like -> disliked repetition: covered with filth, dirty, no clean water If he has a full beard, then “hadn’t been touched by a razor” is not necessary. Suggest: His rags and beard were covered with street filth. I suspect “He turned” should start a new paragraph, including the dialogue. Brown again? How about just shaded eyes (shady sounds like a description for an untrustworthy person, not eyes). Don’t need slightly more—inching says that. Don't need the second silver. Suggest: They needed the money, but Mama couldn’t work tonight. (We know its Staven's thought.)
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 20, 2009).]
posted
After lengthy discussion with my co-author, we have decided to take a different tack with the opening of the book. Staven actually isn't a real MAIN character, although he and Rowan are important to the plot. We've decided that this chapter simply doesn't have the oomph needed to begin the book, nor does it set the tone for it. So here's the new prologue and beginning of the book.
The burning torch was the only source of light the marauder had, but even without it, he could see far enough behind him to know he wasn't being pursued. There was no hint of the mist that usually blanketed the land. He still couldn't stop himself from running as though something were chasing him; sooner of later, it would come after him. Perhaps the torch would do him some good against it when it came, perhaps not. It was more for reassurance than anything. Even in the pitch black, moonless night, he could make out the hill where he had come from. As far away as he had gotten, it wasn't far enough. Fog could spread fast. There was the shore, the dock, and the little boat tied to it. Waves crashed lazily against the sand, rocking the boat as he climbed into it.
[This message has been edited by Gaudrhin (edited September 08, 2009).]
posted
I am intrigued by a guy who can see in the dark, and who is running even though he doesn’t know for sure something is after him; just the knowledge that it might be, or soon will be, after him makes him want to run. There’s tension in the stated need to get away. There is much to like. The lines I liked most were: “He still couldn't stop himself from running as though something were chasing him; sooner of later, it would come after him. Perhaps the torch would do him some good against it when it came, perhaps not. It was more for reassurance than anything.”
His fear of fog makes me suspect you do not mean he can really see in the dark, but the fact that he could see a long way on a pitch black night makes me think he can. His use of a torch confuses it. It needs to be clearer, one way or the other. If he can’t see in the dark, then he would need to hold his torch behind him so his night vision isn’t spoiled. And he would not be able to see far at all on a pitch black night.
I’d like to know what he’s running from. Just a noun, maybe with an adjective; it can be fleshed out later. “It” is too nebulous.
These lines make me think there might be something nefarious about the fog itself: “As far away as he had gotten, it wasn't far enough. Fog could spread fast.”
My feel is that there may be too much repetition: Its dark out: only source of light, AND pitch black, moonless night Looking back: he could see far enough behind him, AND he could make out the hill where he had come from Running away: couldn't stop himself from running, hill where he had come from Threat of pursuit: to know he wasn't being pursued, AND couldn't stop himself from running as though something were chasing him; sooner of later, it would come after him, AND torch would do him some good against it when it came, AND it wasn't far enough
None of these single items are too repetitious. But when combined, it feels like a bit much. Could the flow of events be more sequential? Perhaps something like this, assuming he can see in the dark:
Marauder gazes back at the distant hill despite the pitch black night, to confirm there’s no pursuit. As far as he had run, it wasn't far enough. He lights a torch. Perhaps it will do some good against the Evil Robot Monkeys. It provides reassurance. He starts running again because sooner or later the Evil Robot Monkeys will come. And if the fog rolls in, he’ll be as good as blind. (Would it make sense for him to scramble instead of climb into the boat?)
the only source of light the marauder had -> the marauder’s only source of light crashed lazily?
Hope this helps, and take what you like and leave the rest! And don't mess it up to try and please me
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 08, 2009).]
So I've read all the thirteens, and overall, I've noticed the beginings feel a bit distant, which unlike most of the others I kind of like. First thirteen don't have to be so close in. You have proven to me that you can really write, but watch overwriting. If your noticing the words and the tone of a phrase, then your overwriting. Stick to the story.
The last first thirteen. The burning torch was the only source of light the marauder had, but even without it, he could see far enough behind him to know he wasn't being pursued. Good. Hooked There was no hint of the mist that usually blanketed the land. He What's his name? If this is from his pov, then wouldn't he have a name for himself other than the maurader. still couldn't stop himself from running as though something were chasing him; sooner of later, it my least favorite word is it. Whatever IT is should be more dramatic than the word it.would come after him. Perhaps the torch would do him some good against it when it came, perhaps not.<weakens the tension It was more for reassurance than anything. Even in the pitch black, moonless night, he could make out the hill where he had come from. As far away as he had gotten, it wasn't far enough. Fog could spread fast.is he running from the fog? That's interesting, why are you withholding interesting? The reader needs to know who, what, where, and why. Don't be stingy with what makes the story cool, get that all out up front There was the shore, the dock, and the little boat tied to it. Waves crashed lazily against the sand, rocking the boat as he climbed into it.
Hope I didn't go to far here, the storys from both intros have really interesting things in them, you just need to get the words out of the way so you can see the hooks.
Good luck to you and your writing partner. ~Sheena
posted
Maybe this will clear something up for you. I DO state what he is running from, but I'm trying to keep it a little more "nebulous" from the beginning. The title of the book is "A Rise of Fog". Does that help?
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