posted
Lerian watched the little cottage from the cover of the forest. He stood in the shadow of a huge maple, all dressed in browns and greens himself, so he was sure that the woman and her daughters could not see him. He watched the little family plant their little garden plot and go about the daily business of a small, isolated farmstead.
They were new come to this place and not used to such a life. Not yet. Briefly, he wondered what hardship had brought them out here. The woman’s clothes proclaimed her city-bred and used to better. A merchant’s wife fallen on hard times, perhaps. She was not careful enough of her charges out here, so close to the forest.
There were other men in the forest, rougher men, with nothing to lose.
posted
I like this beginning a lot. It sets a concise scene and adds mystery and danger, in a good hook. I would read more. I am interested to see where you go with this.
The only suggestions I have are minor and a bit nit picky.
Your second sentence is kinda long. Your third sentence mentions little twice and small once. The last sentence in the second paragraph should be separated from that paragraph.
Just a couple of things to think about. And do keep us posted on this one. Lou
Is this the same WIP I looked at a while ago? Anyway, minor nits below:
quote: Lerian watched the little cottage from the cover of the forest. He stood in the shadow of a huge maple , all dressed in browns and greens himself
This doesn’t seem firmly rooted in Lerian’s POV; even given the fact that he’s camouflaged probably wouldn’t lead him to think about his own clothes in that particular moment. I’d probably delete everything after the “stood in the shadow of the huge maple…his camouflage can come out later or it mightn’t necessarily have to be mentioned at all.
quote:He watched the little family plant their little garden plot and go about the daily business of a small, isolated farmstead.
Are you distancing us from Lerian’s POV thoughts for any particular reason? We’d gain much more POV intimacy if you directly described the family planting their garden, etc.
quote:They were new come to this place and not used to such a life. Not yet.
Can you show this?, i.e. his perceptions of their tiredness, how poorly they farm?
quote:Briefly, he wondered what hardship had brought them out here.
Don’t think the briefly adds anything here. As above, the “he wondered” pushes us away from his POV thoughts. Why not use indirect third to give his thoughts?
quote:There were other men in the forest, rougher men, with nothing to lose.
Is this a tell or is it within his POV thoughts? It may help to clarify this.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 28, 2009).]
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