posted
Short story long,I never wrote anything in my life before,but for some days now i have this urge to write this story,so started and this is what i got.A word of warning: english isn't my first language,so some mistakes could occur.I would like to know if there's something to this,from someone who actually knows this stuff.
quote: Daylight bothered Hugh,making him close his right eye, while the other focused on the man sitting left of him, on the bench.Noticing that the light didn’t bother his companion made Hugh even more uncomfortable, because it reminded him that he still didnt know this person’s name. -All I need from you is to recap the events following your accident,that’s it.I’ll leave you be after that. -Alright[Hugh remains silent for a second or two, then speaks in a confident,secure tone]I was in the car,driving on the highway… The dashboard of a car vibrates as it speeds on the road,one hand of the driver being occupied with the wheel,the other with the cellphone,all done with a certain calm,a lack of worry,
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited August 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 22, 2009).]
posted
The part that starts with a dash - is this conversation or psychic communication or is he dreaming? If it is actual conversation, you will want to use quotation marks around the dialogue "like this". so we'll know! The way it is written (and this may be your intent) I picture a man perhaps after a car accident being interrogated by a spirit or a person with a psychic gift. Or possibly two non-humans since he is not surprised at being interrogated in this manner. Except an alien might not be named Hugh.... or driving a car....
If it is a spirit or a pair of psychics, writing it this way is fine. If it is a dialogue between one live flesh and blood person and another, it strikes me as odd that he would be uncomfortable just because he didn't know their name. And the 'still' doesn't work if it is just after the accident.
Okay, so I am guessing too much here. Maybe he is in suspended animation/in a coma/a talking head in a medical facility. All that would work with him 'talking' to a medical professional in his head or even to a policeman. The 'still' would work there. Though surely they would have told the talking head/coma guy their names by now.
I am not sure it is necessary for us to know the directions - right, left - of the eye, the other person. I think you could lose that and not hurt anything. As it is your reader is going to be trying to align themselves geographically rather than think about the action.
The use of the word recap here might need an 'a' in front of it instead of 'to' - or change it to something like 'need for you to recap'. If a verb, it is something someone needs to do - 'for you to' - or if a noun, it would need an article in front of it 'a' or 'the'.
Is Hugh uncomfortable enough with this interrogator that he wants them to leave him alone? Or would he prefer the company? I cannot tell his mood here. He doesn't seem frightened or irritated or much of anything here. Just bothered by light and uncomfortable because he doesn't know the name of someone interrogating him. Otherwise he is very calm, confident; secure.
Oh, in English we wouldn't normally call a tone of voice 'secure'. A place or object might be secure, a person might 'feel' secure but a voice would be expressing a feeling of security. So 'calm' works but 'secure' seems not the best choice.
In English we would probably say 'the driver's hand' not 'the hand of the driver', 'the car's dashboard' (or just 'the dashboard', as only cars have dashboards), instead of 'the dashboard of the car'.
Also it looks like his explanation is broken up unnaturally into two paragraphs. He is telling us about the accident but then his account seems to jump in time or perspective or something.
You know what, I think this might be good stuff, worth working on but I think the language differences might be too much. I think you might want to work on it in your native language and then worry about getting it translated later.
Your English is very good but to write a story in a second language requires a whole other level of awareness of the language and you won't be thinking as much about your story!
Having said all this; I have not much more experience than you do writing. I just thought you should have some input!
I *am* interested in what is going on in your story though it may be because my own imagination is working overtime now - it may now be MY story, you know? Coma guy, talking head, police doing psyhic interrogation of a dead guy by the side of the road... I am not sure what that says about your 13 lines. I am not bored but I may have co-opted your effort.
Daylight bothered Hugh,making him close his right eye, while the other focused on the man sitting left of him, on the bench.
[you need to "show not tell". Example: Hugh squinted his eyes from the bright daylight. He glanced at the man next to him on the bench.]
Noticing that the light didn’t bother his companion made Hugh even more uncomfortable, because it reminded him that he still didnt know this person’s name. [Maybe this: He felt uncomfortable becuase the man wasn't bothered by the light.]
[in the US, use quotes "" not -- like in... Europe?] -All I need from you is to recap the events following your accident,[cut: that’s it].I’ll leave you be after that.
-Alright Oops, dont use brackets... at all.
[Hugh remains silent for a second or two, then speaks in a confident,secure tone]I was in the car,driving on the highway… The dashboard of a car vibrates as it speeds on the road,one hand of the driver being occupied with the wheel,the other with the cellphone,all done with a certain calm,a lack of worry,
I would spend some time reading up on English writing and formatting. Read some novels, and pay attention to prose and format.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by Telik (edited August 22, 2009).]
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Thank you very much for the comments,SavantIdiot and Telik,they have been extremely helpful.I've taken them into account and will act upon what you have advised me.I esspecialy want to thank SavandIdiot,because i think i co-opted her co-opted effort Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2009
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hahaha! Co-opt away. I do wish I had been able to think of a better name, all the ones I wanted were taken.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Apr 2009
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quote: Sunlight glistens in Daniel’s eyes,and all around him,the street,the passing cars,the bench he was sitting on,glimmer with this white haze.All except for the man standing next to him.Daniel remains motionless as he looks carefully at this man,who keeps his hollow eyes wide open,unstirred by the stark bloom,observing a passing mother,with her toddler closely following her.Obviously bothered by this awkward silence,Daniel changes his posture,and asks: "Do you miss your family,Hugh? " The answer doesn’t come. "Allright…all I need from you now is to recount the events following your accident.I need everything you can remember.After this,I’ll leave you in peace.But you won't rest,trust me,you won't."
This update is more about the style of writing,for which i ask the question:is this way of writing closer to the show not tell idea?
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited August 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited August 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited August 26, 2009).]
posted
Sunlight glistens(I don't think describing how his eyes are reflecting sunlight is what you mean here and that is what glisten is saying.) in Daniel’s eyes,and all around him,the street,the passing cars,the bench he was sitting on,glimmer with this white haze. (Everything is in a white haze because of the strong sunshine. Glimmer, to me, indicates a pulse or something like it. It's flashing softly. Is that what you want?) All except for the man standing next to him. Daniel remains motionless as he looks carefully at this man,who keeps his hollow eyes wide open (I can't seem to make this image.) ,unstirred by the stark bloom (what is a stark? And why do we care that it is in bloom? Or what is a bloom, in this case, and how can it be stark?),observing a passing mother,with her toddler closely following her (a good mom would never - ever - trust her toddler to follow her, he would be carried, pushed in a stroller or he would precede her, even a pre-schooler would not be trustediously bothered by this awkward like this much. "Do you miss your family,Hugh? " (How is this asked? Softly? Derisively? Angrily? I can't tell why it was asked.) The answer doesn’t come. "Allright…all I need from you now is to recount the events following your accident.I need everything you can remember.After this,I’ll leave you in peace.But you won't rest,trust me,you won't." (Again, the mood of the questioner is hard to place. Is he threatening Daniel or commiserating with him in an awkward way?)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Don't think of it as 'doing it wrong'. Think of it as doing it one way and then doing it a better way, again and again. I suspect that most of us - I am following this pattern, anyway - will write a thing a dozen different ways while we puzzle out the best. It really helps to get input from each other because (again, I think it is not just me) we don't see some of our own 'oopsies'.
If you think of it as 'doing it wrong' you will get disgruntled with the process and quit writing. If you are writing at all and enjoying the process, who cares how it gets done or when? If the writing itself isn't fun for you, then do something else. But you found your way here which might mean a more than casual interest. So don't give up! We are readers first and we need more writers!
quote: Special Case no. 21:I’ve found him. “You aren’t dead ,not in the way you know , atleast” said Daniel to the man sitting next to him on the bench .They were near a street ,with lots of people passing by ,but Daniel wanted to get everything he needed from this guy ,and fast.”If I push him hard now too hard ,he might lock me out .He’s already scared, so I have to make him feel safe.” “You aren’t dead ,and by all means ,you won’t die anytime soon .When you’re in this state ,you will exist in this world as long as the guy you jumped in.” A passing mother with her toddler slowed down for a second ,looked at these two ,and then quickened the pace .The other fellow felt uncomfortable with this man talking to
I dunno why,but it feels like i'm just spamming now
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited September 19, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2009).]
“You aren’t dead ,not in the way you know , atleast” said Daniel to the man sitting next to him on the bench .They were near a street ,with lots of people passing by ,but Daniel wanted to get everything he needed from this guy**this guy is Hugh, right? If he is an important character, we should get his name** ,and fast.”If I push him hard now too hard ,he might lock me out .He’s already scared, so I have to make him feel safe.**Do you need the last half of the sentence prior? I think the point is made already.** “You aren’t dead ,and by all means ,you won’t die anytime soon .When you’re in this state ,you will exist in this world as long as the guy you jumped in.” **I assume this is Daniel talking to Hugh. He is trying to reassure him, he should call him Hugh.** A passing mother with her toddler slowed down for a second ,looked at these two ,and then quickened the *her* pace .The other fellow felt uncomfortable with this man talking to **now you are switching POVs, either we are in Daniel's head or Hughs but it's too hard to keep track of going back and forth. And calling him the other fellow, too. That's harsh, dude.**
I am definitely interested in the story. Why is your punctuation being forced to the right? What are you copying it from? Your periods and commas are lining up right next to the letter to the right rather than to the left.
quote: Special Case no. 21: I’ve found him. “You aren’t dead, not in the way you know, atleast” said Daniel to the man sitting next to him on the bench. ”If I push him hard now too hard ,he might lock me out .”They were near a street, with lots of people passing by, but he wanted to get everything he needed from this guy, and fast. “You aren’t dead, Hugh, and this thing might be scary for you, but it ain’t Hell or Purgatory. You’re home here, and you’ll stay here as long as…the person you’ve jumped in.” A passing mother with her toddler slowed down for a second, looked at these two ,and then quickened her pace .Hugh felt uncomfortable with this man talking to him.”What does he really want with me? How did he know about this, I barely understand it
woot,here is the new and improved version.Also,it's 3rd person omniscient.In some parts. And this is just for my plain curiosity (is it any good?just a test):
quote: Case no 21: I’ve found him. “You aren’t dead, not in the way you know, atleast.” That won’t make him any more calm,but how the hell could I explain this to him?I need to know what happened to him,what triggered it,and fast.He’s looking at people now,maybe he isn’t even paying attention.It’s like he phased out on this bench. “You aren’t dead, Hugh, and this thing might be scary for you, but it ain’t Hell or Purgatory. You’re home here, and you’ll stay here as long as…the person you’ve jumped in.”I think I said that too loud,that mother with the kid kind of stared at us.I should peek a little,this guy seems out of focus. “What does he really want with me? How did he know about this, I barely understand it myselfI don’t even know his name
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited September 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited September 22, 2009).]
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Case no 21: I’ve found him. **I think there should be more in between the first sentence and the next.** “You aren’t dead, not in the way you know** maybe another word choice here, poor Hugh doesn't know anything just now, I believe**, atleast.” **This is a first person narrative here, which is fine but we probably ought to get an introduction of some sort to the person speaking. Also, is this person still reporting in or thinking to himself?**==> That won’t make him any more calm,but how the hell could I explain this to him?I need to know what happened to him,what triggered it,and fast.He’s looking at people now, (but?) maybe he isn’t even paying attention. It’s like he phased out on this bench. “You aren’t dead, Hugh, and this thing might be scary for you, but it ain’t Hell or Purgatory. You’re home here, and you’ll stay here as long as…the person you’ve jumped in.”I think I said that too loud,that mother with the kid kind of stared at us.I should peek a little,this guy seems out of focus. “What does he really want with me? How did he know about this, I barely understand it myselfI don’t even know his name **And the switch in perspetive (POV) is too abrupt for me. You went from first person A to first person B. I don't think that works well.
I like the story so far and I know I will enjoy seeing more of it. It is interesting. Please do keep working on it!
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Thanks for the input.It's been extremely helpful. I believe i know everything i need to learn now to make a decent story (now),with my current experience. I'm glad you like the story so far,it's hard to give an impression in the first 13 lines. I consider that a writer should give "hooks" like a drug dealer. The first one is free,you give him another for the kick of it,then some more,you raise the price (aka more pages to reach the next hook,gives time for other stuff),and then you give him an OD. That's weird.But that is what i think.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited September 25, 2009).]
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